Where Am I Now?

It’s been a particularly trying week. I’ve been feeling so jaded. Broken. Helpless. Undefined.

Both the cause and the consequence is that I’ve been sleeping terribly lately. Next week I’m going to try to have a more self-control and stay on a strict schedule. Bring some order into my life.

I tried to make an appointment with my therapist, since I have $300 mental health coverage with my work per calendar year (although this only amounts to two sessions). Unfortunately, I need a referral from my family doctor to claim the coverage, because referrals are only good for one year, and it’s been that long since I saw him.

I think of how judgmental my dad was when I told him I was seeing a psychologist. But then I realize that he’s probably the only person I feel like I can really talk to right now (my therapist, not my dad). I wish I could talk to my friends, but my thoughts are either too embarrassing to admit to them, or too complicated for them to understand.

I’ve been listening to some quiet, sombre stuff lately. Trying to acquire a taste for Leonard Cohen’s middle years, when he traded in his guitar for horns and violins, even some Depeche Mode. Depeche Fucking Mode. It hasn’t been helping.

I just don’t know what to do with myself lately. But I’m pretty sure I really need to cry right now.

8 comments

  1. I am in a fucking funk right now also. I would totally love to chill with you and be misery buddies. Maybe we could look at ceiling stars.

    • We should totally do that. I have some new music I’d like to explore (and I think would be perfect) while we do that too.

  2. When not being glibbly oblique on Twitter, I confess I’m pretty much there myself. Compounded by physical problems a young person wouldn’t experience, as far as the sleep goes. If I weren’t having a trip to look forward to, and distract myself with, I’d be talking to a shrink right now too. Am wondering how it will be when I return. Hoping for some random cathartic change to drop out of Paris skies.

    I know you probably think we are too different, but you have my vicarious hug.

    • I’m taking a mini-trip out of town next weekend to get away as well. I haven’t been away in a while, so I suspect it’ll be quite therapeutic.

  3. I guess we’ll sort of be in the same boat when you come next weekend…

    I am now forced to accept that things are over between me and A…

    I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore.. I don’t have any friends left and nobody to talk to.. sucks..

    It’s very hard to keep myself busy when I don’t feel like doing anything.. but doing nothing is even worse because it’s so depressing..

    I’ve slept an average of 4 hours a night the past month.. my eyes have big black balls underneath them…

    • Damn, you’ll have to tell me all about it when I get there. At least we’ll both sort of be in the same place.

  4. I guess we all have the I-want-to-cry moments once in a while. Whatever makes you feel better.

    *hugs*

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