Lost Among Friends

Wrapping pigs in a blanket

Thumbnail: Washing beaters
Thumbnail: cantaloupe seeds
Thumbnail: Making French toast
Thumbnail: Thick cut maple bacon
Thumbnail: Pouring smoothies
Thumbnail: Cooked waffles
Thumbnail: Cheesecake
Thumbnail: Cooked pigs
Thumbnail: French toast
Thumbnail: Cantaloupe slices
 

Sunday pot luck brunch was a little different this weekend; instead of heading to Tim’s, I was at Pat and Jen’s. It was collection time for a sit-up competition (where Julie destroyed everyone in both the largest total sit-ups and most improved over the last two months, winning $60), and we decided to get together to see how everyone was feeling, perhaps compare a six-pack or two.

There were homemade waffles, fresh fruit, honey bacon, French toast, pigs in blankets, smoothies, croissants, and cheesecake. So much delicious food that I could eat, now that I’m on medication to control food induced flare-ups, and I happily gorged myself.

Waffle with fruit

It was such a lazy Sunday. Long conversations sitting around the table, then hanging out and playing games for hours while the food digested.

Pat later told me he used to come here and read about what’s happening with me, but has stopped reading altogether. The reason — and he paused as he was telling me this so that I understood the gravity of it — was that he would rather hear things from me personally.

While this is far from the first time I’ve written about my friendship with him, it still amazes me. We rarely get any one-on-one time, even when I’m over at his house on the weekends for food and conversation, unless it’s on the phone.

Pat always takes such a concern about what’s going on in my life. He asks all the right questions. He listens wholeheartedly without interrupting. He never judges me. He calms me because everything he says makes so much sense. Just being able to open up, where I’m vulnerable, and have him completely accept what I’m saying makes me overflow with emotion.

Maybe I just need someone to understand me right now.

Self portrait

I think I’m going through a period where I’m not getting enough social interaction. My friends are too busy, or our schedules don’t work out. It’s left me confused and disillusioned.

Everyone seems to fit somewhere, but I’m not sure where that leaves me. On days like this, when I’m surrounded by people, it makes me think that perhaps I still don’t know where I belong.

9 comments

  1. The thing you have to realise is that you do have people that care for you as friends. Sometimes that thought alone is enough to get you through your day. You can’t blame yourself or your life or the lives or others if you aren’t getting enough social interaction in your life because life gets in your way.

    It happens, and it’s left to us to deal with it while constantly reminding ourselves what would our friends actually say in times of our need.

    At the end of the day, it doesn’t stop me from blogging my thoughts because maybe unlike what you have, I don’t have people dropping by asking me how I’m going in life, willing to listen to whatever is troubling me, regardless of whether it’s online or real life.

    So in my case, I realise I don’t fit in anywhere I go. So it’s up to me to do something about it and build a world I can fit in, even if it’s one person at a time.

    • Yours (and mine) are not a pleasant realities to acknowledge. I guess I need to get used to it.

      • I don’t mind acknowledging or facing to the reality of what I experience, even if it is a perception of reality. Running away from it won’t solve the problem. I know I want to be happy, if I can do that in the face of my own darkness, it’s worth a try to do something about it.

      • I feel like you’re a much stronger person than I am, someone much wiser and experienced in these matters of loneliness. It takes a lot of strength and resolve to accept such things, and it seems like even though you may struggle with it yourself, you know what needs to be done, whereas I’m still figuring this out.

  2. “Everyone seems to fit somewhere, but I’m not sure where that leaves me. On days like this, when I’m surrounded by people, it makes me think that perhaps I still don’t know where I belong.”
    – exactly the same feeling i had when i was over my friend’s apartment the other night.. maybe it’s supposed to be that way..
    .. so yeah, you’re not the only one who doesn’t know where you belong…

    • It’s very hard for me to accept that “it’s supposed to be that way”. I don’t want to believe it, and think there’s something I can do about it. But sometimes I do realize that it’s out of my control.

  3. hey did you ever get around to tasting that cheesecake? I tried something new and I don’t even know if it was any good!!

    • Not yet…I bought a bunch of cinnamon raisin buns that were getting stale, but I’ll be eating the cheesecake as soon as I’m finished those. You should have saved a piece for yourself! Or you can just try it next time you’re at my place. :D

  4. I agree with Pat. Same reason I stopped reading friend’s journals constantly. I find that part of friendship, is the actual act of listening and knowing that they spent time listening back.

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