My Mom Keeps Calling

And I keep hang­ing up.

The first thing she asks, non­cha­lant­ly like noth­ing has hap­pened, is whether I’ve eat­en yet. This is some­thing thing she used to say at the begin­ning of every phone call. One of her old habits, to make sure I’m eat­ing enough.

I did­n’t answer her ques­tion, but asked what she want­ed. She told me she just want­ed to see how I was doing.

She does­n’t get it. I don’t want to talk to her. I nev­er want to talk to her again. Every call is a reminder of the wounds that haven’t healed.

It’s like hav­ing your rapist show up at the door with flow­ers.


  1. That’s pret­ty harsh dude. You need to resolve this at some point in your life. I don’t think the “nev­er want to talk to you again” will work. Regardless of what they’ve done, they’re still your par­ents.

    You seem to be doing pret­ty good for your­self right now. How about tak­ing a big step and let­ting her be part of your life again ? What’s the worse that can hap­pen ? You’re smarter now so you would­n’t let your­self get hurt / abused / neglect­ed again. It might be an oppor­tu­ni­ty to heal old wounds and move on.

    Even if you does­n’t want to accept her actions, tell her your side of things and just leave them behind you for good. It’ll be bet­ter in the long run because you would­n’t have to keep remind­ing your­self of what you went through.

  2. The “they’re still your par­ents” argu­ment holds no water with me. I have no sense of fil­ial piety. This may be because I’m a Taoist, or the fact that I nev­er actu­al­ly felt like I was fam­i­ly around my par­ents. Besides, if your father mur­ders your moth­er, broth­er, and wife do you have to for­give and accept him just because he’s your blood? There are no rules in this world, just as all is fair in love and war. To quote Onegin, “Why should one human be bound to anoth­er by an acci­dent of birth?”

    She knows exact­ly what she did wrong because I’ve told her. Very clear­ly and in sim­ple terms. By not talk­ing to her any­more, I have let it go. My life has been bet­ter from the sim­ple fact that she’s out of my life. If you think I’m doing pret­ty well for myself now, part of it is because I no longer have her poi­son in my blood. I’m glad that I may come off as being smart enough not to be hurt/abused/neglected, but there’s a rea­son why I’m spend­ing $600 a month in ther­a­py right now and spi­ral­ing into debt. Trust me, this is mon­ey I’d rather not be spend­ing.

    I’m try­ing to leave things behind, but it’s she who keeps call­ing me. When I for­get about her, my wounds heal. When she calls, my wounds open. This woman has mind­fucked me, and any con­tact is a reminder of this. This is the worst that could hap­pen, and it does.

  3. Jeff, unless it is impos­si­ble to re-inform all your oth­er oth­er friends, con­tacts and busi­ness col­leagues, just change and unlist your phone num­ber.

    While I feel sor­ry for your mom in a way (who even though she may have been destroy­ing you obvi­ous­ly has no clue what she’s done to you), I under­stand your posi­tion com­plete­ly.

    She must stay away until you are so healed that she can’t hurt you, even with con­tact.
    I hope she reads this and real­izes the seri­ous­ness.

  4. why not try block­ing her num­ber?

    From what I gath­er, she’d be too proud to go to a friend or fam­i­ly mem­bers home, explain why she needs to use their phone and call you from anoth­er num­ber.

    It can always be unblocked, and should the time come when you want to bridge that gap, noth­ing says you can’t call her on your own terms when you’re good and ready.

  5. @Xibee — I’d rather not change my phone num­ber. Aside from the fact that I have busi­ness cards made and the like, I feel like I should­n’t have to change any part of my life. It’s she who has to wake up and stop try­ing to con­tact me. You hit the nail on the head about it being bet­ter if she stayed away. Not that it would change any­thing, but it does­n’t exact­ly make her case any bet­ter when she calls.

    @loo — I would­n’t put it past her to go to some­one else’s house to call me, so block­ing her num­ber would­n’t solve any­thing. In either case, I’d be afraid that it would give her rea­son to show up at my door as the next step.

  6. I hate to see peo­ple not get along with their par­ents, but I know how you feel. My broth­er has the abil­i­ty to ignore my par­ents and not let them in on his life, but I feel bad about it. I know I prob­a­bly should­n’t, and no mat­ter how much my par­ents have messed me up, in the end, I still can’t be mean to them because it makes me feel bad. I also hate how it makes me feel bad but I can’t help it. You’re right, it’s like a poi­son, but I try to avoid con­tact as much as pos­si­ble. I don’t nec­es­sar­i­ly hang up on her, but I do try to end the con­ver­sa­tion.

  7. I’ll share my mom with you Jeff. :-)


  8. @Sophia — I find that inter­est­ing, because I’ve seen you inter­act with your mom. I nev­er would have been able to tell. The fact that you don’t like how you feel bad is def­i­nite­ly some­thing to take note of. It’s a point I’ve been able to sur­pass, per­haps because my expe­ri­ence has been ter­ri­ble enough. The way you describe your broth­er reminds me of Pat; some­one who is strong enough to deal with his par­ents.

    @Steve — I hope she can cook Chinese. :)

  9. Actually I think my broth­er is a cop out when it comes to my par­ents. He is rude and unfor­giv­ing, and even though they messed up, in the end I think they did the best that they could and they’re good peo­ple. It would be dif­fer­ent if they were mali­cious and did things to hurt us on pur­pose. I think they did it because they did­n’t know any bet­ter.

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