Bittersweet Paradox

bit­ing keeps your words at bay
tend­ing to the sores that stay
hap­pi­ness is just a gash away
when i open a famil­iar scar
pain goes shoot­ing like a star
com­fort has­n’t failed to fol­low so far

and you might say it’s self-indul­gent
and you might say it’s self-destruc­tive
but, you see, it’s more pro­duc­tive
than if i were to be hap­py

—The Dresden Dolls, Bad Habit

I was jit­tery and ner­vous all day.

Several new devel­op­ments have left me with a lack of res­o­lu­tion. People to meet, presents to give, pic­tures to take, respon­si­bil­i­ties to ful­fill. And as much as I try not to think about it, it’s in my nature to do so.

I still haven’t got­ten passed this feel­ing. Still don’t know if I want to. Still don’t even know what it is. All I know is that it’s mak­ing me man­ic.

Until I fig­ure it out, I’ll wal­low in it.

I can only write this at night. When I’m falling asleep and off my guard, sit­ting on my chaise, with the cur­tains drawn and the win­dow open to the win­ter air.

Now I feel like writ­ing, but I don’t even know what to say. Everything’s too jum­bled for me to decide whether I’m hap­py or sad. Maybe it’s both, maybe it’s one because of the oth­er. Life, at the moment, is so bit­ter­sweet.

Wonderfully bit­ter­sweet, that’s what it is.

2 comments
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  1. Sometimes when I feel pent and want to get some­thing writ­ten, I go back to the idea of just keep typ­ing whether its sense or not, just turn off the men­tal mon­i­tor. Gleaning back over after the long ram­ble, I can see what it’s about. Or see that its just a case of feel­ings hap­pen. It’s a ran­dom mash-up of body states. There is no core, no under­pin­nings and already the neb­u­lous cloud is mov­ing off.

    Had I men­tioned to you before Kyle Cassidy’s pho­to shoot of the Dresden Dolls? http://www.kylecassidy.com/pix/portfolio/index.html

  2. I do the stream-of-con­scious­ness thing every now and then too. It’s dif­fi­cult to post that stuff though, cause it’s too chaot­ic. Perhaps I can make a new blog that only fea­tures that kind of writ­ing. To me, expres­sion should have a coher­ent point. Otherwise, it’s not sat­is­fy­ing.

    And I’ve seen a cou­ple of those shots on the Dresden Dolls web­site before, but not all of them. Quite amaz­ing the way he gets those lev­i­tat­ing shots. What a find!

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