Monthly Archives: January 2004

The Lifelong Moment

The leg­less man in the motel room next to me
lis­tens to coun­try and west­ern music
all night, an end­less song
about going down on his knees
for some faith­less wom­an’s love.
I turn in my bed, think­ing of you the day
we thought our daugh­ter had gone
miss­ing. The moment
before she dis­ap­peared you’d seen a stranger
on the block, the kind who wore
a stained suit from the Sally Ann, the kind
who could­n’t know inno­cence
exist­ed. Our daugh­ter was sup­posed to be

next door, play­ing in the fenced yard
with two neigh­bour boys. You’d been
on the phone and I’d turned my back
on the moment to do some­thing
pre­dictable — move the gar­den sprin­kler,
open the morn­ing mail — acts
that would nev­er again seem so ordi­nary
once we’d made up our minds
between bur­ial or cre­ma­tion. Your body

had nev­er felt so alive as you took off
in the car, dri­ving down
every back lane, lis­ten­ing for her
glove-muf­fled cries. You drove

deep­er and deep­er into the kind of hell
we reserve for our­selves and nev­er want
our chil­dren to have to know. You knew

at this moment she could only be suf­fer­ing
in the hands of that stranger who would after­wards
stuff her trust­ing body into a sin­gle for­est
green Glad bag, then tote her to the park.

They would find her legs first, dan­gling
from the swing, shoes on the wrong feet
as usu­al, arms hang­ing from the jun­gle
gym. I’d want to touch, to straight­en
her turned-in toes: how clum­si­ly
we lived on this earth!

She was lost only for a moment, locked
in a spare bed­room with the two boys
next door, not want­i­ng their pri­va­cy inter­rupt­ed,
but in that moment when she was gone
for­ev­er, death in all his beau­ti­ful vari­ety
sang to us, off-key and aching
inside our cheat­ed hearts.

—Susan Musgrave, The Moment

After read­ing Things That Keep And Do Not Change, I delet­ed my poetry/prose sec­tion. There is noth­ing that I could ever write that would actu­al­ly be con­sid­ered as such. Susan Musgrave has put me to shame.

She writes so…ghast­ly, so raw, so erot­i­cal­ly, and so pierc­ing­ly. It’s unbe­liev­able how she can come up with the ideas in her poems; often it’s as if she’s lived in that moment and describes what she sees. And yet, one knows that she only cre­ates the images she talks about because of their very per­ma­nent and scar­ring nature. One of my favourite things about her writ­ing style is the way she begins with a very ordi­nary sit­u­a­tion and leads the read­er along with her thought pat­tern.

The way she sees the sim­ple things around her with such vivac­i­ty, the pas­sion and emo­tion she express­es in her writ­ten voice, the poignant way in which she views the world…she is some­one who lives life to the high­est degree.

And some day I hope to do the same.

A Change Of Programme

I sent in an appli­ca­tion to the eco­nom­ics pro­gramme at Carleton before I left for Hong Kong last year, and got an offer of admis­sion when I got back. I accept­ed the offer on Monday, reg­is­tered for two cours­es, and start­ed going back to uni­ver­si­ty for a sec­ond degree. One of my cours­es is on TV, so I’m get­ting Trolley to tape it for me as an excuse to head over there and try some of my duty free Villager Premium No. 7s with him. My oth­er course is a con­cen­trat­ed intro­duc­tion to eco­nom­ics, so it’s two three hour class­es each week, mak­ing it the exact equiv­a­lent of two cours­es itself. I’ll try to get an intro­duc­tion to account­ing course next week as a fourth course, when the aca­d­e­m­ic advi­sor is free and not being a bitch.

I’m going to switch my major to busi­ness in the sum­mer and spe­cial­ize in mar­ket­ing. Since I have a degree in com­put­er sci­ence, I’m con­sid­ered a third year stu­dent already, since a lot of my cred­its trans­ferred over. If every­thing works out (pre­req­ui­sites, degree restric­tions, course avail­abil­i­ty) I could have a sec­ond degree at the end of the year.

My first class was yes­ter­day with quite a few first year stu­dents, some of them six years my junior I’m will­ing to bet. Six years. More than half the class was Asian.

In The Moment

One of the most embar­rass­ing things to ever hap­pen to me was when I was get­ting inti­mate with a per­son I just start­ed dat­ing. She sud­den­ly said, “I don’t think we should be doing this…”, in a sort of whiny, oper­at­ic tone.

First thought: “Uh oh”

Second thought: “Oh wait, I get it. Quick, say some­thing sexy”

First words out of mouth: “Don’t you want to?”

Third thought: “Oh god I’m an idiot”

Her response: “Just got­ta play along…”

We had­n’t known each oth­er for very long, so it’s not like the whole con­cept of role-play­ing had been pre­vi­ous­ly dis­cussed. It would­n’t have mat­tered any­way, because I’m the worst actor in the world if I’m unpre­pared. If I have a sto­ry or mind­set planned out before­hand I can act per­fect­ly, but if I have to think on the spot my mind just freezes. The hard­est part of a sit­u­a­tion like this is that I’d feel like I was tak­ing advan­tage of a girl (albeit false­ly), which is some­thing I don’t think I could even pre­tend to do.

The Porcelain Spring

Sometimes I’m too tired to real­ly think, and my eyes are too tired to focus on any­thing, so I decide to take a show­er to refresh myself. I expect to think about what needs con­sid­er­ing while I’m show­er­ing, so that I can come back to my com­put­er know­ing exact­ly what I need to. I usu­al­ly end up not think­ing at all while los­ing myself to the pres­sure of the water flow­ing over me.