Yearly Archives: 2003

5 am vs. Acceptance

A while ago, I tried to under­stand the dif­fi­cul­ties I would face in hav­ing chil­dren. I see now that a very fun­da­men­tal prob­lem with the entire con­cept is that I haven’t accept­ed what I’ve become yet. Such an inabil­i­ty is rel­e­vant inso­far as the fact that I haven’t accept­ed who I am cre­ates fur­ther dif­fi­cul­ty in accept­ing some­one else.

The same sort of prob­lem aris­es out of rela­tion­ships, but in an inverse man­ner; how could I expect some­one else to accept me, when I haven’t done so already? I feel that such a dif­fi­cul­ty is prob­a­bly the most promi­nent obsta­cle in my rela­tion­ships. Another would be the fact that I’m not sure if I am strong enough per­son to prop­er­ly take care of some­one else. Relationships are sup­posed to be mutu­al­is­tic, and it feels as if I’m not ready for them yet.

I’ve been think­ing this for quite a while now. So many things seem to be point­ing me to this fact. I’ve been slow­ly accept­ing it, and it has very slow­ly been work­ing.

Yet some­one is tear­ing my rea­son­ing apart.

33% Less Salt, Schoolwork, And More Games

I’ve been try­ing the reg­u­lar Maple Leaf bacon recent­ly, instead of the 33% less salt I nor­mal­ly buy. I want­ed to see what I was miss­ing out on, and it turns out that it’s just the salt. The bacon does taste bet­ter (it is salt after all), but that’s about it. I’ll prob­a­bly switch back to my less unhealthy bacon next time I go shop­ping.

I still haven’t been able to accom­plish a sin­gle bit of school­work so far in the week. Aaron, Trolley, and Dougie were all inter­est­ed in my OpenGL assign­ment, so I feel like I’m more inspired to work on it to show them what can be done, maybe make them proud of me. I’d def­i­nite­ly want to cre­ate some­thing that they would find amaz­ing. Almost like quan­tum par­ti­cle observers.

I’ve been get­ting a boon of games late­ly, such as Battlefield 1942. Battlefield 1942 plays fair­ly well, with decent bot sup­port, but some­times runs at ter­ri­ble speeds, even on high-end machines. The mul­ti­play­er poten­tial is amaz­ing though. Pat also loaned me his PS2 for the week, so I’ve been try­ing to get through MGS2 as fast as I can. I have to admit that hid­ing in card­board box­es is the best part of the game, which is say­ing a lot, con­sid­er­ing how good a game MGS2 is.