Monthly Archives: May 2003

Fetus

I am usu­al­ly not one who pro­fess­es to know a lot. I’m often fair­ly hum­bled in front of many oth­ers who pos­sess a greater intel­li­gence than me (although I know my fair share of stu­pid peo­ple). I think that intel­li­gence is some­thing about myself that I’ll nev­er be sat­is­fied with. There are too many things to know and learn and improve upon, and the pur­suit of such would take longer than an eter­ni­ty.

Reading back on some of my entries, some­thing which has been hard to do late­ly, I feel like a child again. My entries seem to be filled with such uncere­bral emo­tion some­times. It’s as if I can be great­ly both­ered by things that I should be able to over­come. Of course, it’s writ­ing here which helps me out when I need it, when it feels like no one can under­stand or relate. It all just fills this writ­ten his­to­ry with bias. Nothing can change the fact that I am still a human per­son who has emo­tions, although my life expe­ri­ences have damp­ened them con­sid­er­ably.

I feel young when I real­ize how much these emo­tions can some­times affect me.

I’m still unsure whether it would be bet­ter or worse to feel more. On the one hand, I can keep myself in check and keep my actions con­sis­tent if some­thing hap­pens which might upset me. On the oth­er hand, I feel numb, as if things which should bring me plea­sure end up being noth­ing in par­tic­u­lar.

Balance need­ed in yet some­thing else.

Busy Days, And Movies At Home

My days here have been busy. I’m usu­al­ly doing some­thing from one moment to the next. I now under­stand a way of spend­ing one’s time dif­fer­ent­ly from one I’ve ever expe­ri­enced. I find that I’m gen­er­al­ly a per­son who’s cos­mopoli­tan enough to be able to pass time enjoy­ably with most peo­ple. However, most of my friends seem to be doers, always need­ing some­thing to do lest an awk­ward silence set in. These last five days have been filled with com­fort­able silences though, just from meet­ing and hang­ing out with peo­ple who are com­fort­able enough with each oth­er to sim­ply let con­ver­sa­tion flow at its own pace. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to look at hang­ing out with my friends in the same way again.

I watched In The Bedroom with Darren yes­ter­day. Although I thought it was a very well made film, with usu­al­ly mov­ing (though drawn out) sto­ry­telling, I did­n’t enjoy it very much. There did­n’t seem to be much of a mes­sage at the end, which leaves the enter­tain­ment of the film up to the the sto­ry, char­ac­ters, and plot, all which I felt to be very shal­low. The film is sup­posed to be about “the bonds of mar­riage and the lim­its of for­give­ness [being] put to the test”, but there was only one major con­flict and only a few shal­low attempts at devel­op­ing char­ac­ters and motives. It just did­n’t seem to go any­where, and with­out inter­est­ing (to me, at least) events tak­ing place, I felt as if my time would have been bet­ter spent else­where.

Speaking of films, I’ve been able to catch a few trail­ers which have piqued my curios­i­ty. The Good Thief with Nick Nolte seems like an amaz­ing­ly styl­ized movie (direct­ed by Neil Jordan) about a retired art crook doing one last heist. It appeals to me because of the way Nolte seems to bring a pres­ence of con­flict­ing human­i­ty with his slurred speech and rugged looks. I also find the slow, patient tune at the end of the trail­er to fit per­fect­ly with the cin­e­matog­ra­phy, the way Nolte looks at his lighter before clos­ing it on a bright­ly grey day with the move­ment of a city in the back­ground. All of this from a trail­er, and I’m already hooked. Kill Bill also looks amaz­ing, in a cheesy, Tarantino sort of way.