Monthly Archives: January 2003

Passing Grades, Movies Alone And With Friends

I found out that I unof­fi­cial­ly passed all my cours­es. I won’t believe it until I get the offi­cial tran­script.

I just came back from watch­ing Gangs of New York. I don’t think I’ll be going to a the­atre again any­time soon. I paid thir­teen fuck­ing fifty for a tick­et, when I could wait for it to come out on DVD and rent it for a third of the price. There was­n’t any­thing in the direct­ing of the movie that made me think, “Oh, that’s Scorsese”, which was slight­ly dis­ap­point­ing. Day-Lewis’s pres­ence on the screen, on the oth­er hand, was amaz­ing. His elo­cu­tion was just per­fect. I walked home after­wards in the thin, but dense, falling snow. It felt good.

I also watched a movie called The Center of the World yes­ter­day, with the delec­table Molly Parker as a lithe red­head. It was­n’t very good all around; act­ing was bland, sto­ry was bland and exag­ger­at­ed, cam­er­a­work was shod­dy (even though it was meant to be), but the sex was good.

I think I’m shmit­ten. Bad.

Dolly is get­ting spayed next week, so I’ll have to find a way to get her to the hos­pi­tal one day, and back the next day. I might have to take a taxi for the four trips, if I can’t find some­one to give me a ride.

I have a fair­ly easy term, since I only have three class­es and a final project to com­plete. There’s also the fact that I’m not work­ing, so that’s anoth­er dozen or so hours I’ve saved. I tried to take a course at Carleton instead, but it turns out that there’s no equiv­a­lence. It’s such a pity; my sec­ond attempt at gal­va­niz­ing some of the stag­nan­cy in my life has failed mis­er­ably, much like the first. I’ll need to look for a per­ma­nent job this term, hope­ful­ly com­put­er relat­ed.

The Need For Antipathy

I seem to be struck with a great need for men­tal and phys­i­cal antipa­thy late­ly. Everywhere I look, things are filled with beau­ty, and I am unused to it. I’m not sure what has changed; whether it’s myself, or the world around me. It often feels like there’s too much to take in, too much to expe­ri­ence, and that I’m unwor­thy. I wish that I could be cold and bit­ter as before, so that I could feel bet­ter about myself, that I did­n’t feel so ugly and ashamed.

Everything is so much sim­pler when the world is black. My mind is made up, every­thing is sta­ble, I can cre­ate. Yet there is always some­thing that is miss­ing, some­thing that I’m always striv­ing towards.

Odd, that I should be look­ing for an end to pain, when pain is so com­fort­ing.

I think it all has to do with the fact that I’m still uncom­fort­able with con­tent­ment. It’s still an awk­ward feel­ing for me, some­thing that I’m not used to yet. Antipathy could change this, but I can’t bring myself to hate again.

My antipa­thy has most­ly left me.