I nev­er did express any res­o­lu­tion on my jeal­ousy sit­u­a­tion. After think­ing about the sit­u­a­tion for a while, I real­ize that I can still be a jeal­ous per­son. It’s almost as if I now know that I’m human. “Still, it’s nice to know I’m capa­ble of tears!”, Lermontov’s char­ac­ter, Pechorin, tells us.

I’m not quite sure if this is a good thing or not. After all, I spent a good deal of my ear­ly con­scious­ness try­ing to become a com­plete­ly cere­bral per­son. I haven’t been entire­ly suc­cess­ful, after all, I’m human, but I do believe that I have achieved a degree of log­ic that I can be con­tent with. It makes me won­der how Lermontov, as we can see through his char­ac­ter, can be so “evil” a per­son. As he admits, much of his char­ac­ter’s traits are based on his own.

I sim­ply wish that my mind and judg­ment would­n’t be so cloud­ed as it had been on that day. It’s a lit­tle scary, not know­ing in what ter­ri­ble way I can act out in.

I once met some­one who was in total con­trol of his emo­tions. In this way, he could feel when he want­ed. This allowed him to lose him­self in a great­ly touch­ing movie, but also gave him a con­trol of any neg­a­tive emo­tions he may expe­ri­ence. I looked up to this per­son great­ly, some­thing that I wish I could say was more com­mon in the peo­ple that I know. It seemed like such an amaz­ing abil­i­ty, although many peo­ple whom I express this to dis­agree.

And I still haven’t decid­ed whether I dis­agree as well.