Posts in category "Thoughts"

The New Freedom

I did­n’t mean to talk about this so soon, but after con­tem­plat­ing this sub­ject for a while I feel as if I’ve done enough think­ing to prop­er­ly speak about it. I do feel like my mind is clear on this issue, that I’ve giv­en myself enough time to under­stand things well from as many aspects as pos­si­ble. This is some­thing that I had­n’t real­ly thought about in more than half a year, but more recent events have sort of spurred my mind on the sub­ject again.

Hah. It’s almost humourous, how imma­ture I seem back then to myself now, that it has­n’t even been an entire year and yet my mind­set has changed com­plete­ly in a total­ly dif­fer­ent direc­tion. I used to be so scared that I was indeli­bly affect­ed by a past expe­ri­ence, that I could nev­er change what I felt and thought. And yet I feel as if I see things much more clear­ly now. I feel less bur­dened, less biased, less neg­a­tive.

This does­n’t even have any­thing to do with hope or with chance, things which I dwelt on so much before. I’ve been able to see past these mat­ters, and free­dom from such things is great. Odd, that an expe­ri­ence that may have dam­aged or dis­cour­aged me has been able to resolve all my wor­ries.

And now, what has changed?

I’ve done what I thought I would nev­er do again.

The NEMLC

When I went home for Christmas three years ago, I was a very con­fused per­son. I had no idea what I was look­ing for, what I was doing. When I came back, I felt as if I had gone through some sort of mid-life cri­sis. I still did­n’t know what I want­ed, but for some rea­son I was­n’t con­fused any­more. Did I end up resolv­ing any­thing? To this day I don’t know.

What I do know, how­ev­er, is that I haven’t stopped chang­ing. Even if I did come to some con­clu­sion back then, it would have no rel­e­vance today. So many things are chang­ing, not the world around me, but me myself.

I see this as a good thing. It lets me know that I’m still learn­ing, that I’m still liv­ing to the high­est degree. I have dif­fi­cul­ty “defin­ing” myself, dif­fi­cul­ty under­stand­ing my own (long term) actions some­times. As I’ve known since high school, it usu­al­ly takes me at least half a year to under­stand the choic­es I make.

Sometimes it feels like a con­stant mid-life cri­sis when I keep ques­tion­ing the deci­sions I make and the rela­tion­ships I have with oth­ers. I ques­tion things not with doubt, but with curios­i­ty.

And this has filled my life with uncer­tain­ty.

*25*

I told Aaron a few months ago that I held his morals and atti­tudes towards rela­tion­ships as a per­son­al goal. Knowing him for a while and being through a few odd rela­tion­ships issues with him has made me real­ize that he has a very healthy mind­set. I’m not say­ing that there are bad or wrong ways of view­ing rela­tion­ships, I sim­ply found that his ideas fit with my over­all life goals very well. Even though I haven’t always stuck to these lofty stan­dards in my own rela­tion­ship expe­ri­ence, I still try to main­tain this set of ideals.

I know a few peo­ple whose main goal in life is to get mar­ried. I ques­tioned them about why they have this goal, and they would tell me that they sim­ply don’t know. I’ve been through all types of rela­tion­ship mind­sets before, all fair­ly dif­fer­ent, all from dif­fer­ent man­i­fes­ta­tions of my per­son­al­i­ty. There were phas­es such as “I want to be in a rela­tion­ship”, “I don’t think I’ll ever be in a rela­tion­ship”, “I’m unsat­is­fied with this rela­tion­ship”, “I’ve giv­en up on rela­tion­ships”, “I’ll be in this rela­tion­ship for the rest of my life” (haha­ha), “I don’t want to be in a rela­tion­ship”, and it goes on and on.

Right now I’m not even sure what I want. I think a rela­tion­ship would be great but unnec­es­sary. I’ve stopped being depen­dent on some­one to com­plete me, stopped look­ing at life as a dead­line, and have recon­sid­ered almost every­thing about what I want.

Being able to do so has made me think much more clear­ly and act with more con­vic­tion.

Scattered Veil

I’ve real­ized that I have a hard time look­ing in the eyes of peo­ple I can’t stand.

It’s as if I don’t want to be dis­hon­est to them. That no mat­ter how much I hate them, I still feel like they deserve to know the truth. At least I can be…hon­ourable about this, inde­pen­dent of how I feel about the per­son.

I hold hon­esty at a very basic lev­el of human integri­ty. I can’t believe how many peo­ple I know who pre­tend to be friends with peo­ple they can’t stand. It all seems so pho­ny, unless they’re forced to be friend­ly due to spe­cif­ic cir­cum­stances (such as being mar­ried into a new fam­i­ly, mov­ing in with unknown room­mates, etc.). Sometimes the false friend­li­ness gives peo­ple the wrong idea, and they start to hang around even more, and every­thing just gets worse.

I’m glad that I find it hard to lie to some­one, although I’m also a lit­tle scared by the fact that it’s so hard for me to hide some­thing such as this. I’ve always been a ter­ri­ble inter­preter of body lan­guage, and in turn have nev­er had much luck with hiding/manipulating my own. Of course I can hide it when I real­ly want to, but it’s a lot hard­er when I don’t give a shit about the per­son. Most peo­ple, I don’t care enough about to actu­al­ly hide any­thing.

And it shows.

Un- Median 2 a

I’ve always been a per­son who, rather unfor­giv­ing­ly, either loves or hates some­thing. It does­n’t mat­ter what, it can be a movie, a per­son, a hair­cut, any­thing. There is rarely an in-between for me.

All the things I dis­like just make me appre­ci­ate the things I like more. The more I dis­like some­thing, the bet­ter the appre­ci­a­tion.

I once thought that this was a bad qual­i­ty, but now I actu­al­ly pre­fer to be this way. I know so many peo­ple who either enjoy every­thing, or can nev­er be pleased by any­thing. Every time I meet one of these peo­ple and ask for their opin­ion on some­thing, I can nev­er trust it.

It ends up being that I only trust the opin­ions of peo­ple who love and hate like me, Trolley for exam­ple. This may be the only bad part. I hate to think that I may be becom­ing more closed-mind­ed by exclu­sive­ly lis­ten­ing to peo­ple sim­i­lar to me. The only way that I can try to keep an open mind is by under­stand­ing that every­one has their own opin­ions, no mat­ter how much I do or do not respect the per­son them­selves. No one is ever right or wrong.

And it does­n’t even mat­ter if they agree with me.