50/50

I’m writing as a way of practicing self-compassion. Weeks get lost to the customers and commute, and when time off involves not thinking or being around people, it doesn’t leave much room for personal growth.

The problem is that nothing feels real or true unless I write it down. The changes are starting to flow together, and I’m at various stages of progress on several fronts. There are no beginnings, no ends, no chapters, no distinctive transitions I can sum up neatly in a title. The lessons stretch out to years instead of months. Development has given way to evolution. It seems silly to write about a feeling that won’t last from the first time I hit Save Draft to Publish.

I’ve been reaching out to new people cause it felt like everything I was doing was wrong. Marie came to feed the cats, not knowing I was back from the hospital. I broke down in her arms, and she babbled at me over breakfast, excusing herself for talking so much cause she was nervous about not knowing how to help. I asked if she’d watch a movie with me, something to do that was normal and not crying. It helped.

Jason’s also been talking me through the upheaval. Advice is easier to accept when it comes from a survivor, especially one who never presumes to know what’s best for me. He’s become the stick prodding me forward one small step at at time, a voice of reason in my ear that reminds me to keep on doing this until living is like breathing again.

It’s a reminder that I’m here only cause people believe in me; they’re the ones tipping the scales when it feels like I might as well flip a coin and let fate decide what I can’t.

4 comments

  1. I’m happy that you’ve been able to reach out to new people who have more and different things to offer you. I know it’s difficult sometimes to find the right combination of support that you want and support that is effective.

  2. Glad you’re reaching out and being open to receiving the offerings of support in its many forms.

  3. I too think things don’t feel real or true unless I write them down. I would jot notes on a sheet of scrap paper during a meeting and throw it away afterwards. It would help put things in perspective.

    It’s so true that the average person is usually ner­vous about not know­ing how to help or merely to respond. It appears that people with similar experiences can offer more effective help, but then there’s always the risk of people of like thinking encouraging shared biased views.

  4. I’m so sorry to hear you were in hospital.

    I think of you often. Because I can’t read your protecteds I’m not very informed; but I figured you wished it so. In any case I would only hope that you have constant contact, and it looks like you’re getting that, so I’m glad.

    I hope to hear from you sometime, apart from here.
    Hugs.

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