There’s so much happening at once that it makes my head spin. Sometimes I wonder what it’d be like to be the one written about, to be on the other side of that lens. What would another person say about me? Would it be different from what I think of myself? And would I like what was said?
I haven’t been able to write, not from a lack of time or desire, but because I can’t keep a straight thought for long enough to get it on a page. Even when I can get myself to sit down for an hour, I just end up in an endless cycle of inspired writing and critical revisions. I’ve been questioning everything. I don’t know what I’m working towards, where I’m going to end up, or even what I want anymore. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by it all, so I have to remind myself to take everything one day at a time.
It’s no longer about resolving struggles and learning to grow, it’s about fundamental changes in the person I am and the way I define myself. When you’re unsure of who you are, nothing in the world seems stable. Maybe that’s why the good doctor asked me if I was scared of changing. I told him yes, but only because I don’t know if the person I am now would like the person I’ll be later.
Or your old self and new self could have a little chat about what the better choice is. My two sides still argue from time to time, but they both agree, in the end, it’s always about what’s best in the long term.
I feel like there’s no going back, like my new and old self can’t exist at the same time cause they’d be opposites. I wish I could tell if that’s a good thing or not.
As I always say, it’s a matter of perspective. The reason why I was unsettled for a long time was because the two halves of myself were polar opposites. The contrasting of which was that one would think with the heart and the other with the head so they would often butt heads.
Learning to find the middle ground that would satisfy both sides helped me deal with a lot of actual world relationships with people though cause in the end it’s the same thing, learning to compromise and how to give and take.
Just that, I live with an old couple inside of my own body, one that will always bicker about every single thing, but in the end, can never live without one another.
There’s a risk in taking on the new if it’s in a direction you are not really yet changed to, though.
I made huge changes in the direction I thought I should go — utilizing a different modus operandi — only to find years later that I was really the same old me after all, and most of that interim stuff was a me I envisioned would be a better stronger me, yet a me that I didn’t so much grow into as put on like a new raincoat. (A blue raincoat. A famous one…). Having done that, I had to circle back around and actually become that new me more gradually. So .… gradually is the key, I think.