that I may cease to mourn

At some point along the way, I dis­cov­er that I’m ter­ri­ble at being alone. I need some­one to care for / spoil / love / give my exis­tence mean­ing. Echoes of a try­ing child­hood I’m just now sort­ing out. Otherwise, I’m con­stant­ly feel­ing emp­ty instead of ful­filled.

Once a week I’m torn down so I can be rebuilt again, and some days I won­der: what of me will be left?


  1. Honestly speak­ing, prob­a­bly noth­ing sig­nif­i­cant.

    When I went through the moments of tear­ing down the walls of my psy­che, that’s what I dis­cov­ered, that ulti­mate­ly I am noth­ing but a col­lec­tion of insignif­i­cant traits cob­bled togeth­er.

    The impor­tant part was learn­ing that it is my expe­ri­ence and choic­es in life that ulti­mate­ly make up for who I am.

    We are all ulti­mate­ly blank can­vas­es (which I think I’ve men­tioned to you before) and that who you are is what the world has giv­en you and what you choose to used in what was giv­en.

    Tearing down just means a grey slate to be rebuilt again of your own choos­ing. I don’t think it’s that sad, and when you look back and think about it. It’s kin­da cool.

    • I can’t tell if this should depress me or not. It makes me feel insignif­i­cant on a whole new lev­el, but at the same time helps me under­stand how impor­tant that is, both in a prac­ti­cal and philo­soph­i­cal sense.

  2. That’s true with me as well; a point I know is the result of for­mer neglect and dam­age. That’s just the bag­gage of it. I keep putting it down and it keeps mag­i­cal­ly reap­pear­ing. Ah there it is again; me being peturbed undu­ly at the husb because he’s think­ing all is fine and he’s un-need­ful and I’m just.… not. So I pick that apart and tell the small per­son inside myself that it’s fine, you can let go, stop. And real­ly that’s all you can do from moment to moment, keep pry­ing its lit­tle hands off your lat­est adult self. But the hope for an incom­pa­ra­ble com­pan­ion­ship is pret­ty all-devour­ing at times.

    Tearing down and rebuild­ing is beyond me at this point. I go for­ward with eyes open and force myself to cope.

    • It’s great that you’re able to cope, but I think I’m at a point where my bag­gage sim­ply isn’t tol­er­a­ble any­more, cause it’s hold­ing me back from mak­ing some major life progress. I’ve been forc­ing myself to accept these issues, and it’s sim­ply not work­ing.

      • Yes! You should if any­thing is hold­ing you back. At your age/stage of things, break­ing bar­ri­ers is well in order.

  3. We are born half life. At least that is how our sex organ work so we func­tion as an half life until we find the mys­ti­cal true love.

  4. There’s noth­ing wrong with tear­ing down and re-build­ing. It could just be a kind of tri­al-and-error until you get it right.

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