that I may cease to mourn

At some point along the way, I discover that I’m terrible at being alone. I need someone to care for / spoil / love / give my existence meaning. Echoes of a trying childhood I’m just now sorting out. Otherwise, I’m constantly feeling empty instead of fulfilled.

Once a week I’m torn down so I can be rebuilt again, and some days I wonder: what of me will be left?

7 comments

  1. Honestly speaking, probably nothing significant.

    When I went through the moments of tearing down the walls of my psyche, that’s what I discovered, that ultimately I am nothing but a collection of insignificant traits cobbled together.

    The important part was learning that it is my experience and choices in life that ultimately make up for who I am.

    We are all ultimately blank canvases (which I think I’ve mentioned to you before) and that who you are is what the world has given you and what you choose to used in what was given.

    Tearing down just means a grey slate to be rebuilt again of your own choosing. I don’t think it’s that sad, and when you look back and think about it. It’s kinda cool.

    • I can’t tell if this should depress me or not. It makes me feel insignificant on a whole new level, but at the same time helps me understand how important that is, both in a practical and philosophical sense.

  2. That’s true with me as well; a point I know is the result of former neglect and damage. That’s just the baggage of it. I keep putting it down and it keeps magically reappearing. Ah there it is again; me being peturbed unduly at the husb because he’s thinking all is fine and he’s un-needful and I’m just…. not. So I pick that apart and tell the small person inside myself that it’s fine, you can let go, stop. And really that’s all you can do from moment to moment, keep prying its little hands off your latest adult self. But the hope for an incomparable companionship is pretty all-devouring at times.

    Tearing down and rebuilding is beyond me at this point. I go forward with eyes open and force myself to cope.

    • It’s great that you’re able to cope, but I think I’m at a point where my baggage simply isn’t tolerable anymore, cause it’s holding me back from making some major life progress. I’ve been forcing myself to accept these issues, and it’s simply not working.

      • Yes! You should if anything is holding you back. At your age/stage of things, breaking barriers is well in order.

  3. We are born half life. At least that is how our sex organ work so we function as an half life until we find the mystical true love.

  4. There’s nothing wrong with tearing down and re-building. It could just be a kind of trial-and-error until you get it right.

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