August passed me by.

My Tai Chi stu­dio closed at the begin­ning of the month due to the new provin­cial tax pol­i­cy. I was going to look for anoth­er stu­dio, but I haven’t had a chance. Instead, I took up singing lessons. It did­n’t help that Starcraft 2 came out, and the fact that most of my friends pur­chased it too so there’s always at least one per­son online and ready to play with me.

There’s so much stuff I feel like I’m putting off. I tell myself, “I’ll start when I have more time”, but more time nev­er comes. There’s always anoth­er project or idea that lands in my lap. Something I’m com­pelled to pho­to­graph, or sing, or write, or record.

Sometimes I won­der if stay so busy just to dis­tract myself from this over­whelm­ing sense of hope­less­ness and help­less­ness. I’m hap­py when I’m with my friends. But even­tu­al­ly some­one has to go home, and you’re by your­self. It’s only dis­tract­ing for so long.

Heather G asked me if I was still con­sid­er­ing mov­ing to Toronto in a few years. I could only think to myself, “Am I going to be alive in a few years?”, though I give myself ten at least to fin­ish up a few projects, Nelly Arcan style. She also said that in my last e‑mail, when talk­ing about what I was work­ing on, I came across as hav­ing this bound­less ener­gy.

Things have changed.

It’s strange to be so sad in this sea­son. The weath­er is just start­ing to cool, and there are won­der­ful breezes mixed with the warmth of the sun. I sleep with the win­dows open and feel con­nect­ed to every­one else who has the chilly night air against their skin. None of it means any­thing when I wake up.