nothing gold can stay

The tears and the smears on my glass­es which I look through to type this are telling me I’m still not over her. Or per­haps, the idea of her, because she had always held back a part of her­self from being mine com­plete­ly.

This is what hap­pens when a true friend stabs you in the front. I guess I’ve been avoid­ing these thoughts for a while now, and con­front­ed with them in con­ver­sa­tion, the real­i­ty has nev­er been more clear.

I’m still a bro­ken man.

Even with the mixed sig­nals, the incon­sis­ten­cy, and the pain, it was still the most sig­nif­i­cant rela­tion­ship I’ve ever had, and that’s what makes it so hard to let go. My oth­er rela­tion­ships may have been free of all the dra­ma, but they also lacked the depth, inten­si­ty, and inti­ma­cy.

There’s noth­ing I would have changed but the end, which dragged on for a year, one suture ripped out after anoth­er. It was far from a clean break, and any­thing but res­o­lu­tion.

I know I was­n’t the only per­son to go through the pain of sep­a­ra­tion, but the break was­n’t sup­posed to last for­ev­er. I was will­ing to step away so I could heal and be strong enough to be friends in time, to be there for her, to be ready to accept the next guy. And most impor­tant­ly, I was will­ing to come back.

She was sup­posed to be strong enough to let me go until I was ready.


I believed her.

Why could­n’t it have end­ed that night, instead of the mind­fuck that con­tin­ued for months after? Why could­n’t the last thing for her to leave me be the let­ter she wrote on the sta­tion­ary I gave her? Why could­n’t she have kept the promise she made to do what­ev­er it took to keep me in her life, and stayed away?

We haven’t seen each oth­er in over half a year. It’s been even longer since we had an actu­al con­ver­sa­tion. It’s time for me to wake the fuck up. It’s time for me to deal with my emo­tions and the real­i­ty of the sit­u­a­tion. It’s time for me to move on instead of hold­ing on. It’s time for me to under­stand that I’ll nev­er be what she needs, and she’ll nev­er accept me as I am.

It’s time for me to real­ize that it’s over.


  1. Maybe the most impor­tant point is the one that keeps you in that past. The one where you’re will­ing to go back, where you hoped that she would be strong enough to keep you till you were ready. That is what’s keep­ing you in this con­stant state.

    The hard thing to realise is that even if you can go back, events have been set in motion that will nev­er take you to the moments you loved before. The rela­tion­ship will nev­er be the same.

    At the end of the day you decide what makes you con­tent and at peace, or at the very least, hap­py. That respon­si­bil­i­ty falls to you and no one else. It’s the one thing we have to learn to do, per­haps it is the hard­est thing to learn to do, but I’ve got faith in you to do so.

    Take it from me, I’ve walked this road before with just as much pain as you expe­ri­ence. You don’t have to throw away your bag­gage, but you can keep the best mem­o­ries as a reminder that life is all about the liv­ing it, rather than dwelling on what can’t be returned.

    • For me it’s not so much being depen­dent on some­one else for hap­pi­ness (which I agree is not a very healthy atti­tude), it’s once hav­ing some­thing amaz­ing and los­ing it that’s kept me in this state.

      Take this as an exam­ple: say you were a blind man, and god told you he could grant you sight for a year, but after that year you would go back to being blind again. Would you take that oppor­tu­ni­ty, along with the fact that you would for­ev­er be tor­tured after­ward by the knowl­edge of what you were miss­ing? I would say yes; in terms of love, the old adage applies, “Better to have loved and lost than nev­er to have loved at all”.

      How about this: say you were a blind man, and one day you woke up with the abil­i­ty to see. And a year lat­er, just as sud­den­ly and with­out expla­na­tion, you lost that vision and became blind again. At what point would you give up hope that the vision would come back to you?

      I’m far from dwelling on what can’t be returned, but only because my heart isn’t con­vinced it’s over yet. It’s the way things end­ed — with so much uncer­tain­ty and mixed sig­nals — that’s kept these wounds open. If I could con­vince my heart that things were tru­ly over, the sit­u­a­tion would be much eas­i­er to accept.

      But I agree that it’s good to keep the mem­o­ries as a reminder that life can be full of won­der­ful moments. I think of anoth­er line by Frost from his poem, Birches: “Earth’s the right place for love: I don’t know where it’s like­ly to go bet­ter.”

  2. Edrei said every­thing that I would have said. If she was the one, she would­n’t have made you feel this way. And even with the “chance” of get­ting back togeth­er, it will nev­er be the same. You can’t go back to where you were, so the blind man anal­o­gy does­n’t work exact­ly.

    You tru­ly are respon­si­ble for your own hap­pi­ness. And it has to come from you. Another per­son can make you hap­py for sure, but ulti­mate­ly you have to be hap­py with you.

    No one likes los­ing some­thing amaz­ing, but that’s part of life. You would­n’t know what you’d be miss­ing oth­er­wise, so just hold out hope that there is some­thing EVEN MORE amaz­ing wait­ing for you out there, when you’re ready to accept it.

  3. In #2, the blind man would nev­er, ever give up.

    He would strug­gle every sec­ond for the rest of his life, plot­ting and con­spir­ing and exper­i­ment­ing and strain­ing until he final­ly got that vision back. Because he had expe­ri­enced it. And knows it was worth it. His vision was the most astound­ing thing he’d ever had.

    He’d nev­er give up because he knows it was real, that it was pos­si­ble: he’d gone from blind to vision­ary before.

    • @David: I can’t agree more.

  4. I’ve always been a silent read­er of your blog, and for some rea­son I just feel real­ly com­pelling to leave a reply this time, espe­cial­ly after read­ing David’s com­ment. I can’t say exact­ly that I have “been there and done that”, but I think I under­stand how you feel. And I respect those feel­ings. I don’t think you share this entry in need for any advice. We all know what we’re sup­posed to do, but some­times it’s just good, even for a brief moment, to live in our own feel­ings and get caught up with our own thoughts, feel­ing not a bit guilty for not “doing the right things.” I sin­cere­ly hope that what­ev­er choice you make, what­ev­er you choose to do, either let­ting go or hold­ing on, you will find con­tent­ment and peace in your heart, ulti­mate­ly. When it comes to sit­u­a­tions like this, I believe, every choice, or any choice is equal­ly sane and insane.

  5. Sad thing is.

    Once you become that which she desires. You will no longer desire her.

  6. being as i’ve been in your shoes.
    com­ing from the same sit­u­a­tion your in.…
    Don’t give up, because if she actu­al­ly loved you, which i’m sure she did. she WILL miss you.
    and i’m not say­ing its going to be any­time soon.… but she will come back to you. but you MUST
    TRY to be her friend atleast, and we all know the feel­ing of “I cant just be friends bc you want to be so much more” and don’t give me shit that its august that this hap­pend, bc i’ve held out for the same girl since febuary and she just walked back into my life.…. patience and per­sis­tance. thats all you need. and I admire the title btw. great frost poem. just remem­ber, it is true, that noth­ing gold can stay. keep your guard up at all times my friend. because noth­ing is per­ma­nent, even life itself has no way of being per­ma­nent the only thing that can live on is your accom­plish­ments in this life. best of luck to you, If you love her, it will work out.

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