nothing gold can stay

The tears and the smears on my glasses which I look through to type this are telling me I’m still not over her. Or perhaps, the idea of her, because she had always held back a part of herself from being mine completely.

This is what happens when a true friend stabs you in the front. I guess I’ve been avoiding these thoughts for a while now, and confronted with them in conversation, the reality has never been more clear.

I’m still a broken man.

Even with the mixed signals, the inconsistency, and the pain, it was still the most significant relationship I’ve ever had, and that’s what makes it so hard to let go. My other relationships may have been free of all the drama, but they also lacked the depth, intensity, and intimacy.

There’s nothing I would have changed but the end, which dragged on for a year, one suture ripped out after another. It was far from a clean break, and anything but resolution.

I know I wasn’t the only person to go through the pain of separation, but the break wasn’t supposed to last forever. I was willing to step away so I could heal and be strong enough to be friends in time, to be there for her, to be ready to accept the next guy. And most importantly, I was willing to come back.

She was supposed to be strong enough to let me go until I was ready.

Letter

I believed her.

Why couldn’t it have ended that night, instead of the mindfuck that continued for months after? Why couldn’t the last thing for her to leave me be the letter she wrote on the stationary I gave her? Why couldn’t she have kept the promise she made to do whatever it took to keep me in her life, and stayed away?

We haven’t seen each other in over half a year. It’s been even longer since we had an actual conversation. It’s time for me to wake the fuck up. It’s time for me to deal with my emotions and the reality of the situation. It’s time for me to move on instead of holding on. It’s time for me to understand that I’ll never be what she needs, and she’ll never accept me as I am.

It’s time for me to realize that it’s over.

8 comments

  1. Maybe the most important point is the one that keeps you in that past. The one where you’re willing to go back, where you hoped that she would be strong enough to keep you till you were ready. That is what’s keeping you in this constant state.

    The hard thing to realise is that even if you can go back, events have been set in motion that will never take you to the moments you loved before. The relationship will never be the same.

    At the end of the day you decide what makes you content and at peace, or at the very least, happy. That responsibility falls to you and no one else. It’s the one thing we have to learn to do, perhaps it is the hardest thing to learn to do, but I’ve got faith in you to do so.

    Take it from me, I’ve walked this road before with just as much pain as you experience. You don’t have to throw away your baggage, but you can keep the best memories as a reminder that life is all about the living it, rather than dwelling on what can’t be returned.

    • For me it’s not so much being dependent on someone else for happiness (which I agree is not a very healthy attitude), it’s once having something amazing and losing it that’s kept me in this state.

      Take this as an example: say you were a blind man, and god told you he could grant you sight for a year, but after that year you would go back to being blind again. Would you take that opportunity, along with the fact that you would forever be tortured afterward by the knowledge of what you were missing? I would say yes; in terms of love, the old adage applies, “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”.

      How about this: say you were a blind man, and one day you woke up with the ability to see. And a year later, just as suddenly and without explanation, you lost that vision and became blind again. At what point would you give up hope that the vision would come back to you?

      I’m far from dwelling on what can’t be returned, but only because my heart isn’t convinced it’s over yet. It’s the way things ended — with so much uncertainty and mixed signals — that’s kept these wounds open. If I could convince my heart that things were truly over, the situation would be much easier to accept.

      But I agree that it’s good to keep the memories as a reminder that life can be full of wonderful moments. I think of another line by Frost from his poem, Birches: “Earth’s the right place for love: I don’t know where it’s likely to go better.”

  2. Edrei said everything that I would have said. If she was the one, she wouldn’t have made you feel this way. And even with the “chance” of getting back together, it will never be the same. You can’t go back to where you were, so the blind man analogy doesn’t work exactly.

    You truly are responsible for your own happiness. And it has to come from you. Another person can make you happy for sure, but ultimately you have to be happy with you.

    No one likes losing something amazing, but that’s part of life. You wouldn’t know what you’d be missing otherwise, so just hold out hope that there is something EVEN MORE amazing waiting for you out there, when you’re ready to accept it.

  3. In #2, the blind man would never, ever give up.

    He would struggle every second for the rest of his life, plotting and conspiring and experimenting and straining until he finally got that vision back. Because he had experienced it. And knows it was worth it. His vision was the most astounding thing he’d ever had.

    He’d never give up because he knows it was real, that it was possible: he’d gone from blind to visionary before.

    • @David: I can’t agree more.

  4. I’ve always been a silent reader of your blog, and for some reason I just feel really compelling to leave a reply this time, especially after reading David’s comment. I can’t say exactly that I have “been there and done that”, but I think I understand how you feel. And I respect those feelings. I don’t think you share this entry in need for any advice. We all know what we’re supposed to do, but sometimes it’s just good, even for a brief moment, to live in our own feelings and get caught up with our own thoughts, feeling not a bit guilty for not “doing the right things.” I sincerely hope that whatever choice you make, whatever you choose to do, either letting go or holding on, you will find contentment and peace in your heart, ultimately. When it comes to situations like this, I believe, every choice, or any choice is equally sane and insane.

  5. Sad thing is.

    Once you become that which she desires. You will no longer desire her.

  6. being as i’ve been in your shoes.
    coming from the same situation your in….
    Don’t give up, because if she actually loved you, which i’m sure she did. she WILL miss you.
    and i’m not saying its going to be anytime soon…. but she will come back to you. but you MUST
    TRY to be her friend atleast, and we all know the feeling of “I cant just be friends bc you want to be so much more” and don’t give me shit that its august that this happend, bc i’ve held out for the same girl since febuary and she just walked back into my life….. patience and persistance. thats all you need. and I admire the title btw. great frost poem. just remember, it is true, that nothing gold can stay. keep your guard up at all times my friend. because nothing is permanent, even life itself has no way of being permanent the only thing that can live on is your accomplishments in this life. best of luck to you, If you love her, it will work out.

Leave a Reply