If it hasn’t been painfully obvious, I’ve fallen off the wagon. I’ve been thinking about her again.
But it isn’t my fault.
You see, she came by my work and gave me a box of homemade shortbread cookies in a cute little box (as well as some for my other co-workers). I would normally say that it’s a nice gesture, but in this case, it was a cruel and painful reminder of what I had lost. But that pain subsided as I ate them (admittedly, in one sitting) and I decided to forgive her for that one. It’s hard to stay angry when the sugar and butter hits your brain.
Then she walked by at a concert, and squeezed my arm as she was passing by. I didn’t even know she was there until it happened. Then she did it again.
This whole time, I’ve been trying to get over things by staying away, and I was doing pretty well, until the touch1 of her hand fanned the ashes of passion that were left smoldering in my chest, reversing several weeks of emotional recovery.
I told my friends I knew I was being selfish, because I’m the weaker one for not being able to handle it when she’s dating someone else2. But they tell me it’s not selfish, it’s self preservation. That I’m just taking care of myself, and she’s the one being selfish and inconsiderate, because she’s not respecting my wishes to keep a distance. I’ve since stopped feeling guilty for staying away.
Still, I’m left with this wondering. What do her actions mean? What is she trying to communicate? What does she want?
I can only guess that she wants to remain friends, but there’s this stupid hope in the back of my mind that it meant something more. Maybe it’s a habit; I lived with that hope for more than a year as we fell into a relationship at arms length.
I’ve considered going back to her and asking for some closure — some real closure — but I don’t think even she can explain her actions at this point. And if she could, her answer would probably be the same as it’s always been.
But I really don’t know for sure because she’s chosen not to stay away, against my wishes, and my heart feels like it’s hanging by a thread. I doubt she’s doing it on purpose, but yet again, she gets to figure things out at the expense of my emotional stability. After all, it’s hard me to move on when mixed signals are holding me back, like an open, gaping wound constantly being picked.
- This is the same sort of caress that can melt one’s resolve when coming from a person for whom one has a weakness. Humbert Humbert refers to this at the end of Lolita when he says to her, “Don’t touch me. I’ll die if you touch me.” [↩]
- Then again, at least I know enough to stay away, instead of stalking and going psycho. [↩]