Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by

While I’ve always been very appre­cia­tive of what we did have, some­times I won­der about what we nev­er had the chance to do.

Sure, I bared my soul. I sur­ren­dered. I gave her the songs I don’t share with just any­one. I told her how pro­found­ly impor­tant, won­der­ful, and remark­able she was to me. I let her in like no one else before.

But there were parts of myself I nev­er gave up.

It was­n’t because we had­n’t reached that lev­el of trust. It was a way for me to pro­tect myself. To feel as though she did­n’t have all of me, so I would­n’t be left as open and vul­ner­a­ble when the end final­ly came.

I regret it now. Not because I think it would have changed any­thing1, but because I won­der what it would have been like for some­one to know me com­plete­ly. To feel vul­ner­a­ble and safe, all at once. Even know­ing I’d be heart­bro­ken even­tu­al­ly, it would have been worth it to share what I’ve always saved.

I’ve been keep­ing all my girl­friends at arms length to pro­tect myself. I can’t go through life hold­ing things back any­more, con­stant­ly wor­ried some­one’s going to hurt me. That’s always a risk, no mat­ter how sta­ble a rela­tion­ship is.

I have to put myself out there. I have to make the first step, even if it means feel­ing uncom­fort­able, because the more you share, the more com­fort­able you become, the more you share, and so on.

I can only go for­ward now, as a wis­er per­son, a stronger soul, a bet­ter lover.

I sup­pose I’m feel­ing nos­tal­gic, or miss­ing her, as is my wont when the sea­sons change.

  1. Cause it would­n’t have. []


  1. Funny I always won­der the oppo­site; won­der whether being detached would have giv­en me more space and time in which to think and val­ue and pro­tect myself from what became an utter dev­as­ta­tion.

    I have nev­er been so blessed or cursed as that. I just limp along all dent­ed up and peo­ple have to like me this way now. It’s part of my charm, yes?. (::cough::)

  2. thats per­fect.

  3. I think it’s impor­tant to let your­self be vul­ner­a­ble, and it’s some­thing I did­n’t learn until recent­ly. If you keep bar­ri­ers, you’ll even­tu­al­ly come to a road block in the rela­tion­ship because you nev­er let that per­son in. The end of a rela­tion­ship is going to hurt regard­less (there are no guar­an­tees and what if it works?), but would­n’t you rather expe­ri­ence every­thing there was to expe­ri­ence instead short chang­ing your­self by being defen­sive?

    • Yeah, that’s exact­ly it. Not that think­ing that way makes it any eas­i­er, because if you get hurt, you may get hurt so much more.

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