While I’ve always been very appreciative of what we did have, sometimes I wonder about what we never had the chance to do.
Sure, I bared my soul. I surrendered. I gave her the songs I don’t share with just anyone. I told her how profoundly important, wonderful, and remarkable she was to me. I let her in like no one else before.
But there were parts of myself I never gave up.
It wasn’t because we hadn’t reached that level of trust. It was a way for me to protect myself. To feel as though she didn’t have all of me, so I wouldn’t be left as open and vulnerable when the end finally came.
I regret it now. Not because I think it would have changed anything1, but because I wonder what it would have been like for someone to know me completely. To feel vulnerable and safe, all at once. Even knowing I’d be heartbroken eventually, it would have been worth it to share what I’ve always saved.
I’ve been keeping all my girlfriends at arms length to protect myself. I can’t go through life holding things back anymore, constantly worried someone’s going to hurt me. That’s always a risk, no matter how stable a relationship is.
I have to put myself out there. I have to make the first step, even if it means feeling uncomfortable, because the more you share, the more comfortable you become, the more you share, and so on.
I can only go forward now, as a wiser person, a stronger soul, a better lover.
I suppose I’m feeling nostalgic, or missing her, as is my wont when the seasons change.
- Cause it wouldn’t have. [↩]