We were watching Boogie Nights, and in the movie, Scotty’s wasted at the New Year’s party. He tries to kiss Dirk, but Dirk throws him off. I asked her if she knew Scotty was gay. Until that point, I thought he never gave off any such sign.
“Of course”, she said.
“How could you tell?”. I had to ask, because I couldn’t tell. I’ve watched Boogie Nights with dozens of people before, and they’ve all asked if Scotty was gay before it even got to this scene. It must have been the 20th time I’ve seen this movie, but I still didn’t see what so many others did. My gaydar can’t be that bad, I thought to myself.
“Just from the way Scotty looks at Dirk all dreamy”.
Dreamy? So Scotty wasn’t being particularly flamboyant, he was simply attracted to Dirk. It was obvious to everyone but me.
Then I recalled Pat telling me a few years ago that a certain girl liked me. He didn’t have some kind of inside knowledge, he said he could tell just from the way she looked at me. I never believed him, of course, because I had no inkling of such an message. I never believed him until she gave me a written confession.
It took me almost a year to be comfortable enough to photograph Jenn (let alone getting over being so tongue-tied around her), because I was afraid of being too transparent. I always thought that by asking to take her picture, everyone could see how attracted I was to her. I would go around Aaron’s parties and photograph anyone but her. Now I realize that in doing so, I probably gave myself away.
It’s scary to think that people may read me so easily from subconscious body language. A girlfriend once said that her mom asked how she would feel if I asked her out, about a month before I did. To this day I wonder how her mom knew I would. All we did was have dinner together on Sunday’s. Did I steal glances from across the table? Did I look away when she looked at me? Did I lose myself in her face and stare?
Am I that transparent?
I’d like to think that I can hide such things, but how can I when I don’t even recognize what it is I’m doing.
How can I hide my heart, when I don’t even know that I wear it on my sleeve?
why the need to hide it?
Be proud of your choices, of your nature, of your instincts.
i think you’re dreamy… maybe i should hide it better, might have more allure. hmm *wink*
Aw, really? No, I just thought for awhile that I annoyed you. :) (Trust me, it is well-known that I am the most oblivious person on the planet.)
@loo — There’s a difference between being proud of your choices/nature/instincts, and putting yourself out there at the risk of humiliation through non-reciprocation.
@Jenn — I was hoping you wouldn’t find out in such an inappropriate way, but I had to say it for the point of the post. Now I’m a little embarrassed.
Time has sped by and I’ve spent the better part of the last hour reading back through the last two month’s posts. I can’t believe it has been that long since my last visit. You’ve had a very difficult patch these last two months and I’m glad you have friends that care enough to keep you from becomming too much of a hermit. Once again your writing has moved me and your photography continues to blow me away. I hope November returns you to that blissful state of contentment you had found in August. And a great choice for the photography contest. :-)
It’s a dead give away when you force your expressions to be neutral.
Thank you, Barb.
Your encouraging words are always very much appreciated. :)
You’re absolutely right, Pita.
It’s been *years* since I watched that movie, so I can’t remember if I picked up on the Scotty/Dirk thing but I’m usually pretty good at that stuff, *except* when it comes to me. Probably half the reason I think men are such jerks (except you dear ;) is because the only ones I notice are the ones who are right in my face, jumping up and down and yelling that they want to get in my pants. As for my own feelings, I keep them pretty well hidden. Lots of practice remaining neutral when interested in people that relationships precluded any goings on with. It probably is a worthwhile skill.
Oh, and I didn’t mean neutral expressions, I meant actual neutrality ;)
I’m not even good at that stuff when it doesn’t involve me. That’s what’s so scary. I’m completely oblivious.
But lots of practice remaining neutral, eh? That must be a helpful skill. I think I’d find that more difficult than actually hiding my feelings though.