I need to stop writ­ing for an audi­ence. It feels like I’m not being true to myself, that I can’t say what I want to say. Yet I do, some­how, in some equiv­o­cal man­ner.

The win­ter is so beau­ti­ful. Usually I study bet­ter at night, but when it’s win­ter time, and every­thing is white, I feel much more moti­vat­ed dur­ing the day. It’s as if God final­ly real­izes that the entire world is shit and cov­ers it with a huge bleached tarp.

I bought Dolly a new toy on the week-end, and she loves it. It’s got a soft ball cov­ered in fur on the end of an elas­tic string. She’ll try to take the ball where she wants by grab­bing it in her jaws, but when the elas­tic stretch­es past its lim­it, the ball will rip out of her mouth and make her go even cra­zier. She plays with it until she’s tired, then she’ll lay down on the ground below where the ball lies, and just try to bat it with her paws.

I’ve been work­ing on the new lay­out, and I com­plete­ly scrapped the metal­lic idea. Pictures just did­n’t seem to fit well in it. I actu­al­ly have the final design done and cre­at­ed in html for­mat. It allows for a bet­ter for­mat­ting of con­tent, though it will take me more work. I’m not com­plete­ly sure if I’m sat­is­fied with it, but it will prob­a­bly have to do since I gen­er­al­ly have lit­tle con­tent to work with.

Sometimes I start think­ing, and then I real­ize what a fuck­ing idiot I am, and that thought just sticks in my head. That hap­pened for most of today.

I have to set up two lap­tops for these high up execs at work. One of them actu­al­ly made a com­plaint about me and Aaron to my boss before. It’s hard to work for some­one with this kind of his­to­ry, but some­how I can just grin and bear it. I think that being sto­ic is some­thing that I’ve learned very well from my child­hood. An alarm went off in the build­ing too, and we had to evac­u­ate. My boss asked me if I want­ed to get some beer and piz­za, but I told him that I had too much work to do. The temp­ta­tion was almost too great.

I’ve gen­er­al­ly been neglect­ing my eat­ing habits and my sleep­ing habits, and my school­work, even though I half-resolved not to. It’s good to know that no one cares. At least it’s hon­est. I know that I need much more bal­ance in my life, and I think that it’s some­thing I can achieve. It’s just been so hard with every­thing going on. Pat thinks that I should take a week off work. After all, it’s the rea­son why he quit the job in the first place. But he had a high main­te­nance girl­friend, and I had a neg­a­tive main­te­nance one at the time.

There just seems to be so much rea­son for me to stay awake late at night.