What a nightmare. I just dreamt that I adopted another cat (few weeks old), but I had no car to take it to the vet, no money to feed two pets, no time to spend with it, and the helpless feeling of being unable to handle such a responsibility. One cat is enough for now, thanks.
Ugh, I’ve been plagued by nightmares lately. Yesterday it was kitchen knife wielding twin sex murders, today it was nuclear holocaust meltdown Christmas party. Ever feel like there was nothing to make you feel better than writing about it to make it go away? Yeah.
I’m scared to fall asleep again.
I had a dream last night, a dream that seemed so real, a dream I did not want. A dream of scattered memories sewn together, creating such a perfect world, where love was requited, where I was blissfully happy. When I awoke, everything I had was gone.
All I was left with was hope, and emptiness. I immediately knew that what I had was false, too perfect a world for me to live in. I felt bitter, as if I had something taken away from me which I felt was rightfully mine.
Why would my subconscious trick me so? Why should I feel so terrible, so laden with hope? Couldn’t my mind simply give up this struggle, freely, without interference?
Hope is not a good thing for me. It makes me weak and vulnerable. When I have no hope, then all is known. Nothing is uncertain. I am sure of what I have and what I don’t have. Progress can be made on accepting this. But when hope enters my mind, all progress is lost, and I can only try to fight for what I’ve gained.
Yet I wish to dream again tonight, of memories strewn together, for they were so wonderful, that any let down seems worth it. I don’t know why I’d want to torture myself again, feeling empty and bitter when I wake up. Somehow, the high seems worth it, like some addictive drug Pandora was selling out of her magical box of plagues and death.
Perhaps I actually do believe in what my hope is telling me. Perhaps I need to believe in something, that somehow this will change, that things will be different. Or perhaps I’m simply a fool, willingly falling for something that may make me happy, but empty in the end.
Nothing good ever came out of Pandora’s box.