Posts tagged with "confidence"

The Big Brothers Test

I had an intense inter­view with my Big Brother case­work­er, Stephanie, today. It last­ed for three hours, and the ques­tions ranged from whether I had firearms in my apart­ment, to what my rela­tion­ship with my par­ents is like, to what I dis­like about peo­ple. It’s quite a long process, and can­di­dates are very strin­gent­ly cho­sen. I first had to fill out an appli­ca­tion form, fill out a police report form, and give them three ref­er­ences. They then send my ref­er­ences a ques­tion­naire each, then inter­view me. They also need to inter­view Pita, to make sure that my apart­ment is a suit­able envi­ron­ment for a lit­tle broth­er to spend time in. Stephanie told me that they have to reject quite a few can­di­dates, based on the grounds of imma­tu­ri­ty, improp­er lifestyle, or even health issues, for exam­ple. After all, both the orga­ni­za­tion and the big broth­er are respon­si­ble for the safe­ty of the child.

It’s odd that this will be such a test of my respon­si­bil­i­ty. I always believed that I would be the one to dic­tate what I was ready for. After all, after months of con­sid­er­a­tion, I did decid­ed to adopt a cat, even when I held back while peo­ple were encour­ag­ing me to. I don’t believe that there would be any oth­er rea­son for being declined as a can­di­date. My suit­abil­i­ty as a big broth­er will be deter­mined by a board of peo­ple, and it will be the great­est test of my matu­ri­ty to date. It will be quite objec­tive, of course, since I have no part in the deci­sion mak­ing.

So why am I not ner­vous? Could it be that I am final­ly gain­ing some con­fi­dence? I did ad-lib the inter­view, and I feel that I answered the ques­tions very well. Perhaps I sim­ply real­ize that I answered every­thing to the best of my abil­i­ty, and that I can’t change the out­come when it arrives. Or sim­ply that, although this would be a great expe­ri­ence for me, it’s not the end of the world if it does­n’t work out.

I think I can opt for all three.

Two Things You Didn't Know About Me

God, I love praise. I think it’s some­thing that I feed on. It boosts my con­fi­dence ever so slight­ly (and tem­porar­i­ly).

It creeps me out when peo­ple touch my chain. Only three peo­ple have ever touched it (includ­ing an ex), and it real­ly does­n’t make me com­fort­able. I guess I see it as a child­ish fas­ci­na­tion when peo­ple feel the need to play with it.

Never Too Busy For You

I was final­ly able to fin­ish the page, and anoth­er one for my cousin. I think he needs one more than I do. It feels like a nev­er end­ing stream of projects, always this or that, that I’m work­ing on. I sent in my appli­ca­tion for Big Brothers today. Just anoth­er project to add to the list. If only I was as good at fin­ish­ing projects as I was good at start­ing them. It always seems like I’m con­stant­ly busy, yet always bored. I nev­er have time for this or that, yet some­times I just sit at desk, star­ing blankly at my flick­er­ing screen, won­der­ing what I should do. Perhaps it’s just a sign that I’m get­ting old­er. Another day, anoth­er dol­lar, anoth­er irre­place­able chunk of infi­nite­ly pass­ing life­time. I think I just need some more time to relax, and just relax. One time, I was in a cafe­te­ria, when I saw a girl, sit­ting by her­self at a table. She was del­i­cate­ly tak­ing tiny bites of a cher­ry toma­to, and was just sit­ting there, look­ing out the win­dow. Not read­ing, not talk­ing with a friend, not doing any­thing, while she ate. She seemed to be able to just relax, and calm her­self with all the com­mo­tion going on around her. I was extreme­ly attract­ed to her con­fi­dence, and wished that I could be like her, that I could have the abil­i­ty to just sit at a table by myself and just eat. Perhaps it will just take some more time.

Apparently, I’m nev­er too busy for me.