Posts tagged with "balance"

Imbalance

I think Dolly may be inter­est­ed in hav­ing anoth­er cat around the house. I’ve been play­ing some cat sounds, and no mat­ter where she is in the apart­ment, she’ll com­ing run­ning into my room. A sec­ond cat is some­thing I only start­ed to con­sid­er this term. Last term it felt as if I would­n’t be able to han­dle the chores, let alone dou­bling my annu­al vet­eri­nar­i­an bill. Sometimes she seems lone­ly though, like when she imme­di­ate­ly starts to cry when I walk in the door after a day of school, her protest­ing only being soothed after pick­ing her up, and being replaced by a low purr. I’ve always seen myself as a one cat per­son; I think I’d feel a lit­tle imbal­anced if I had more than one. If I do decide to get one, it will def­i­nite­ly be after I grad­u­ate, def­i­nite­ly after I find a sta­ble job, and pos­si­bly after I can pur­chase a con­do. It would be more for Dolly than for me though. I can’t imag­ine find­ing anoth­er cat that is as well-adapt­ed as she is, so the idea scares me a lit­tle.

One time I dis­cussed with Pita whether he would ever con­sid­er get­ting two dogs. He said that he could­n’t, not just because it would be much hard­er to han­dle, but because he would feel more favourable to one or the oth­er.

The idea of favour is one that I haven’t been able to under­stand. How can par­ents love all their kids with­out lik­ing one more than the oth­er, espe­cial­ly when one fol­lows the desires of the par­ents more close­ly. It might be some­thing I don’t under­stand, being an only child. If such a bal­ance is pos­si­ble, would­n’t polyg­a­mous rela­tion­ships work as well? I think part of the mis­un­der­stand­ing stems from my con­fu­sion of rela­tion­al love and parental love as well.

For love is the root of my imbal­ance.

Unwanted Balance

I went to the Black Tomato yes­ter­day, which was a small restau­rant with a decent atmos­phere (though I think it would have been bet­ter at night), which served jazz along with your meals. You could pur­chase jazz albums from the side of the restau­rants, and numer­ous por­traits of jazz greats were hung near the top of the walls. The meals were pret­ty pricey; the sand­wich­es cost over 10 dol­lars, and the 7oz. filet mignon was $24.95. I was real­ly con­sid­er­ing the filet mignon since I so rarely get a chance to go out and eat at a nice restau­rant, but I decid­ed that I had noth­ing to cel­e­brate. I went with a flank sand­wich, which had thin­ly cut strips of mar­i­nat­ed steak with sauteed onions, and melt­ed cheese, baked on French bread. The put a sort of sweet mus­tard with it, that gave it a spicy, juicy taste, which was excel­lent. I had to get a pint of Strongbow, since they did­n’t have Double Diamond. In total it cost me about $20.00.

It was com­i­cal to see what kind of man­ners peo­ple brought to the table. You could tell who was an exec­u­tive by the way they broke their bread, or you could tell who was a admin­is­tra­tive assis­tant by the way they cleaned their teeth with their tongue. I won­dered if their man­ners were a result of their pro­fes­sion, or their upbring­ing.

Continue read­ing “Unwanted Balance”…

Control

I nev­er did express any res­o­lu­tion on my jeal­ousy sit­u­a­tion. After think­ing about the sit­u­a­tion for a while, I real­ize that I can still be a jeal­ous per­son. It’s almost as if I now know that I’m human. “Still, it’s nice to know I’m capa­ble of tears!”, Lermontov’s char­ac­ter, Pechorin, tells us.

I’m not quite sure if this is a good thing or not. After all, I spent a good deal of my ear­ly con­scious­ness try­ing to become a com­plete­ly cere­bral per­son. I haven’t been entire­ly suc­cess­ful, after all, I’m human, but I do believe that I have achieved a degree of log­ic that I can be con­tent with. It makes me won­der how Lermontov, as we can see through his char­ac­ter, can be so “evil” a per­son. As he admits, much of his char­ac­ter’s traits are based on his own.

I sup­pose I real­ize now that jeal­ousy can be a good thing as well; it keeps my mind in bal­ance, and allows me to keep in touch with oth­er peo­ples’ emo­tions.

I sim­ply wish that my mind and judg­ment would­n’t be so cloud­ed as it had been on that day. It’s a lit­tle scary, not know­ing in what ter­ri­ble way I can act out in.

I once met some­one who was in total con­trol of his emo­tions. In this way, he could feel when he want­ed. This allowed him to lose him­self in a great­ly touch­ing movie, but also gave him a con­trol of any neg­a­tive emo­tions he may expe­ri­ence. I looked up to this per­son great­ly, some­thing that I wish I could say was more com­mon in the peo­ple that I know. It seemed like such an amaz­ing abil­i­ty, although many peo­ple whom I express this to dis­agree.

And I still haven’t decid­ed whether I dis­agree as well.