Before my therapist starts talking, he has this habit of repeatedly pursing his lips when trying to find the right words. It always makes me wonder if I have any habits too, and whether someone could do a reasonable impression of me by mimicking some mannerism I’m unaware of. The only thing I can think of is this particular way of clearing my throat out loud that Bronwen used to tease me about, something I’ve since realized that I picked up from my dad.
The sessions are getting abstract and philosophical, a sign that they’re focusing less on details and issues and more on root causes. He’s been challenging my thinking, but he always does it in a gentle and encouraging way by letting me explore ideas myself, giving me a little nudge in the right direction if I need it. Most importantly, he always makes it clear that I’m the one in control, that I make my own decisions, and that he won’t judge me whether he thinks they’re healthy or not.
The thing I’ve learned most recently is that some people are simply never meant to fill a certain role in your life. Getting upset at them for not being more is like getting upset at your cat for not being able to play LittleBigPlanet with you. It’s a hard reality to come to terms with; not only am I faced with the sudden realization that some people aren’t who I want or need them to be, it means they’ll likely never be that as well.
But that’s the way the world is, and I’m learning to let go, and to not hold everyone to the same standards I hold myself to. The best I can do is connect with the right people, the ones who can be what I need because that’s who they are, not because they’ve tried to change for my sake.