I’ve been trying to write a letter to her mother. Something like this:
I was going to stop by on my last trip to Toronto, but part of me realized it may have made things complicated, since it’d be the first time since we stopped talking to each other. Not that I was scared you would take a side, but because I didn’t want you to think I was forcing that decision on you.
All I want to say is that I miss all of you terribly, she was special, and it’s a pity things didn’t work out. But it was much beyond our control. I don’t know if either of us will ever grow out of these differences that hold us back.
The last time I came to visit, it was almost 2pm on a Tuesday and you were both at work. I scratched a note on the back of a notepad to let you know I stopped by, and she told me you liked me so much, you stuck it on your fridge. That always meant a lot.
Thanks for everything.
But all of it comes out sounding defensive. I wish I could explain how I’m not angry but sad, which is a testament to how great they were. I can’t figure out how to put the ball in their court, to let them know that if they’re okay with it, and she’s okay with it, we can still be friends. I really don’t know how appropriate that would be anyway.
Sometimes, the hardest part of giving up the girls is giving up their parents too.
Hi Jeff,
I hope you don’t mind me putting my two cents in since I’m just a lurker but I have been wondering if life wouldn’t be easier if we could just say what we feel (in a diplomatic manner, of course).
I feel that next to last paragraph was perfect; why can’t you just send them a note saying that?
Best,
E
Hmmmm…I’m going to consider that (with some ironing out of the phrases, of course). I definitely look at advice seriously when it’s coming from someone who de-lurks for the sake of that advice.
I think that the letter sounds very nice and real and her mother will not only appreciate that but appreciate that you took the time to do it. Mothers take things different than just an average woman, they see past the act and into the persons heart doing the act. Her mother will see your sincere gesture in this and be thankful that she got the chance to know you and may even return the offer of remaining to be friends. Hope it all works out!
Well, she did say her mom liked to take my side, probably because she had more to risk from losing me, whereas she would feel comfortable about never losing her daughter. At least if she turns down my gesture, I can say I tried.
Exactly! Using the cliche term…you never know until you try. :-)
I think the letter sounds nice.
You’re actually probably one of the few men I know of who liked all their ex girlfriends’ parents. I didn’t have any significant others whose parents I liked, other than my husband. I got lucky there.
That’s true, I seem to get along with girlfriends’ parents really well (the one’s whom I’ve met, at least). I think it’s cause I have an old soul; I’ve always related to people older than me more than to younger ones.
The last 2 paragraphs make sense. might be a nice boost to her day. an uncomplicated thinking of you fondly.
I find it ironic that the part I didn’t include in my letter is the part that people are telling me is important.
I agree, just be plain about it and add the sentiments at the end of your post.