I made too much about you now to lie

Sometimes, I write these entries in my head over sev­er­al days, but when it comes to get­ting them on the screen, I can’t. Not because I don’t feel like it, but because the words come out with such dif­fi­cul­ty.

So I sit in my room with the lights off, hop­ing for some­thing to give me courage, some­thing to move my mute fin­gers.

Instead, I pro­cras­ti­nate. I buy myself time by play­ing a game on my iPhone, or surf­ing the net. It’s like I’m stalling, I’m build­ing up for a moment that’s no more impor­tant than any oth­er, like a ner­vous school­boy try­ing to ask his crush to the prom; pick­ing up the phone, dial­ing a num­ber, and hang­ing up again.

Maybe if I bury it after a bunch of incon­se­quen­tial thoughts — like how it’s hard for me to write about some­thing — then peo­ple will get bored and won’t both­er read­ing the rest. I try to con­vince myself that every­thing will be for­got­ten much quick­er than it took for me to write this. Nothing works, when all I’m try­ing to say is that every time I lis­ten to Letter Read by Rachael Yamagata, I imag­ine she’s lis­ten­ing to the same thing at the same time.

So some­times, you just have to say fuck it and write it any­way, even if you’re afraid and you can’t breathe, and put it out of your head that you’re left vul­ner­a­ble, that any­one could read it, that peo­ple know some­thing that you prob­a­bly should­n’t share, that you’re still think­ing about her when every­one is telling you not to, because none of it mat­ters when it’s the truth, and telling the truth is what makes you you.


  1. i know exact­ly this feel­ing!

    i used to blog a bit — or a lot actu­al­ly — and have stopped since my words have become con­fused, repet­i­tive and tedious to read and more impor­tant­ly, write. it was like a bro­ken record in words..

    but you do very well, i like your style ;)

    • Thank you. :) You’ll have to let me know if you start writ­ing again so I can add your blog to my feed read­er. You seem like an inter­est­ing per­son.

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