On the last entry, my Uncle Joe posted this comment:
You’ve changed a lot. More mature, more stable, more tolerant. 5 years back, you paid more attention to your appearance, now you care more about what you do, what you observe. Now you’re a bit sloppy :)…and I like that. Your spending habit is so much different.
I don’t know what caused all that…work experience? Parents’ divorce? Love life? Tai Chi and Taoism?
The causes of my changes were too big to cover in the small box, so I said I’d cover them in their own entry. Here goes.
Therapy
One of the significant things my therapist helped me with was the ability to not sweat the small stuff. It took a few thought records for me to realize that there are things out of my control. I used to be really moody, where if a small detail didn’t go right, I’d get really grumpy. Now that doesn’t anymore, although I do occasionally have to remind myself of this idea, as it’s not a completely natural reaction (yet). This is probably what Uncle Joe noticed as me being “sloppy”, as I’ve stopped worrying about things going wrong, so a bit more carefree when it comes to details. Even Bronwen said she’s noticed the change.
I also had intimacy issues, where I’d push my girlfriends away if they got too close. I’ve since learned to let someone in, even if it means it may hurt me in the end, and there’s a great comfort to be had in knowing this. In figuring out what went wrong, and being given the hope that my future relationships won’t end due to my old intimacy issues, which I’m sure was buried in my subconscious before.
Taoism
Taoism has given me the same rough mindset as therapy, in terms of letting go of the little things that don’t go my way. But it wasn’t just due to the fact that things are out of my control, but also the idea that things don’t really matter. I’m still working on other tenets, like spontaneity and wu wei, but what I’ve been able to understand and apply so far has helped a lot.
When I’m having a bad day, I can go to the Tao Te Ching, find a verse that’s appropriate to my situation, and for some reason my heart finds such contentment in the words. Perhaps it’s even more than the individual tenets, and the fact that I now have something to believe in that brings comfort, stability, and happiness. A non-religious opiate, if you will.
Relationships
Having been through two good relationships with two good people, especially with the memories I have now, has given me a lot of satisfaction. Sure, they may have ended, but I never thought I’d be in a good relationship, probably because of my childhood with my parents, along with confidence issues. I think some people go their whole lives without ever having the sort of love that I did, or being able to experience the same wonderfully intimate moments. This has given me a contentment I wouldn’t be able to find anywhere else.
Your take about relationships could just be an extension of what you’ve learned from Taoism. BTW, I found out by accident that your mom is reading The Tao of Pooh.
I always suspect your confidence issues (what you used to have) stemmed from growing up around big white kids, although your therapist suggested it did not. Hmm, are therapists allowed to tell white lies for the sake of good therapies?
Actually, it’s been a while (before Taoism) that I’ve felt that I’d like to end on a good relationship before I started on the long road of unintentional bachelordom.
I bet that woman is reading The Tao of Pooh because I mentioned it here. I doubt she’s smart enough to understand the concepts of Taoism, even though it’s in the form of a children’s book.
My confidence issues were more from my parents always saying that I’m not big enough, or good-looking enough, for someone to love me.