Under the guise of some trouble with her iPod, the old second generation clunker that I gave her last Christmas, my mother calls me on Saturday, close to midnight.
I can hear the congestion in her nose. She’s been crying. It gets lonely when you’re alone in the house on a Saturday night, the same house you’ve inhabited for the last 15 years of your life with your façade of a family, and the façade is torn down.
Our last phone-call didn’t end well. She wanted to know why we weren’t as close as other sons with their mothers.
“How can we be close”, I told her, “You go crazy every time I tell you something important. You’re stifling. Overprotective. Growing up, it made my life a nightmare.” For the first time in my life, I revealed a glimpse of how she had wronged me, not even bringing up the memories of mental abuse I keep buried in my chest for times like this, like an ember ready to be stoked into a fire.
“It’s because you’re my only son, and the only thing I have left now.” Saying these words, sparking a sudden realization, makes her sob more. She tells me that she wants to start over. It’s never too late. She wants to be stronger so she can survive this divorce, and close to me so she’s isn’t left without an emotional bond.
Unfortunately, forgiveness isn’t something that’s in my power. I have no pity for her. Knowing how vulnerable, weak, and depressed she is just a reminder of my own childhood, and only time has a chance at edulcorating the bitter taste in my mouth.
So she calls me on Saturday, pretending to need some help with her iPod, to see if I’ve forgiven her yet. If I ignore her, I become as terrible a person as she was. I only wish I could believe that she didn’t deserve it.
But I can’t.
whew
tough times
I’m sure glad I had more than one child…especially for that reason…
without even knowing it, parents can easily ‘put all their eggs in one basket’
and feel like; you should want for u, what they want, because, after all, they only want the best for you…right?
how could they ?
Parenting is tough, emotionally
on the on hand you LOVE your child SO much, you want to make THEIR life everything yours wasn’t
but
it’s not the job of a parent
as much as parents would like it to be
all you can do, is raise your child, the best you know how, KNOWING that YOU set the example.….‘do as I say’ doesnt work.…
beyond that, the life belongs to the child
a child owes a parent …depending on the parenting…either very little
or a very respectful THANKS and I LOVE YOU, and thank you for loving me
there’s nothing else
parents don’t own their child’s life
nor control it
So sad to hear your mum is soooo sad
I hope she can go see a counsilor or therapist…
It’s an inner journey for her
well
and for you too
abuse always leaves deep scars of rage and resentment…
the loss of a sense of security, in your home and in your world.
It’s amazing how raising your own children brings it RIGHT back into your face…
how I feel so driven to ensure my child’s start in life is better than mine was
but
the best way to do that is to ‘work’ on myself
so
cleaning out all the near forgotten demons, is in order, because children can see thru anything
you know that
all the stuff that happens to you early in life casts a dark, FAR reaching, shadow over more than u realize.…trust me
as I’m.…ugh ..37 now
Enjoy the trip and the adventure
now’s the time to do it, you’ve no heavy responsibility
cheers
from the West…
Amy
Whatever they couldn’t provide, you’d end up having to supply them, because they lack that to begin with and you learnt from growing up with that lacking. Parents are such interesting species. It’s as if they returned to a childhood state.
I used to be scared to have children, because I was afraid that I’d grow up to abuse them the way mine abused me. The more people I talk to, however, the more I see that they’ve come from bad and broken homes, and this only makes stronger their conviction to raise their children well.
Thanks for helping me realize this.
reminds me of the “Prince of Tides”…