Although not in any narrative Herbert Morrison sense.
I had a different entry half-written, but the darkness was debilitating. All I wanted was a second sun; it felt like a case of SAD because the night was making me both anxious and uneasy. It’s nothing close to a panic attack, but it was bad enough that I felt compelled to called Pat to help talk me out of it. He’s one of the only people I can count on 24/7, and just talking to him for an hour helps me figure out more about the world than three months of writing here. I know my eyes’ll feel like lead weights tomorrow for staying up this late, but I need to get this entry down before I lose it. Hopefully, knowing that it’s Friday will be enough to keep me alive through the day.
Self-improvement has driven me for most of my life, a never-ending goal that’s guided me through my actions and beliefs. This is usually based on comparison, since improvement is always relative. Those who can accomplish what I have difficulty doing always have my respect, and give me something to work towards.
Before I complain about getting six hours of sleep the previous night, I think of Navy SEALs who get four hours total during Hell Week, a five day underwater training exercise during the first phase of the BUD/S. That’s when I realize that I should be able to survive an extra hour of work without much difficulty. When I feel like throwing my hands in the air after working on an ad for four hours, blinded by the depth with which I’ve staring at the material, I think of my boss who can work through countless interruptions and distractions. That’s when I realize that I should keep at my work, because perseverance will almost always yield results.
If I can survive it, anything can make me stronger.
But as I discovered tonight, everyone has their weaknesses. Even Pat. He’s always seemed as solid as a rock, completely unfaltering, but he admitted that there are also moments of weakness, however brief. Times when he can’t get any work done because something is bothering him that he can’t let go. Times when he just doesn’t feel like going out or socializing. To find this out about Pat, was to discover that the most cheerful, friendly, confident, and mentally strong person I know has his off days. Even the hardest working, most productive person I know occasionally falls victim to a case of the Mondays or the 9–5 grind. There must be some semblance of balance, in how much to push oneself, and how much to accept.
To strive for perfection is fine, but to lose sleep over imperfection is foolish.
Being a dominant, responsible for another person, means that one should be solid as often as possible, but even this extreme case should allow for some leeway. This doesn’t mean that I won’t try as hard in my attempt at dominance, but knowing this certainly makes the approach, and even self-improvement in general, much easier.
Some may say that it’s a fallacy to compare oneself to other people. After all, everyone has different abilities and tolerance levels, and it’s no fault to born better at some things than others.
But even then, everybody’s human.