The Question Of Kids

I just received (within 10 minutes) a one page letter denying my application to become a Big Brother. It greatly, greatly saddens me. I wish I knew why they decided this, but they aren’t at liberty to discuss it. I actually had to sign something acknowledging that if I was rejected, I wouldn’t know why, if the organization chose not to tell me.

I’ll always wonder why I was not allowed this opportunity. I thought I’d be good at it, but I’m sure that this committee of people know better than I. After all, I have little experience with younger people. I just wish someone could understand how much this would have meant to me.

I wonder if it could be my maturity. If it could be my time restraints. My relationship with my parents. My being a good hater. Could it be that they feel my motives are out of selfishness? Could it be that one of my references gave me a bad reputation? Or simply that I’m not the right kind of person for the job? I really have no idea, since I believe that I gave an extremely good impression at the interview.

I always believed that my experience with parenting would help me become a good parent myself. Many people whom I’ve spoken to believe this of me as well. Yet, the idea of having children of my own still scares me. It’s the idea that I am in control of someone else’s life, when I believe that my own life will always be full of entropy. What happens to my child if I ever got divorced? What happens if I ever died? So many uncertainties make the whole idea very frightening.

I also don’t believe I have the capacity to love in this manner. It’s not a paternal emotion that I have been able to develop or learn. I have my reasons.

The subject of kids has always been present in my relationships, and it’s usually been a source of conflict.

About three years ago I came upon a site called WebMD. It’s a pretty good resource for health issues, and psychology issues. One of their events was a chat session with a parenting expert, and I couldn’t help but try to ask a question that I had been asking myself at the time. The transcript can be found here (my name was jesterz_webmd).

At the time, I felt like her answer was quite unconventional.

I had been brought up my whole life thinking that I needed children of my own to be happy. I suddenly realized that thinking this way was not for everyone, and that not having kids could be as fulfilling as raising kin. It was then that I decided that I most likely wouldn’t have children of my own.

Then again, I was only 19 on the time.

Leave a Reply