perpetual eve

This day is the same every year. The streets are dead and filled with slush, the stores all closed. No matter where I am, it seems people are looking for a channel on TV to watch a corporate-sponsored countdown, and I always feel alone even though I’m surrounded by friends.

If it’s the same every year, it’s strange that my memories of New Year’s Eve are so mixed. Jocks harassing me on the bus. Bundling up in big coats to share petit coronas outside. Panic attacks. Blonds and redheads. Rich foods and too much drink. And somehow the people I love and the people I hate end up at the same parties.

Sometimes it reminds me too much of my childhood. My family hosted the same countdown party every year that became the only real time we spent with other people, and the only time we ever caught up with our “friends”. Numbers would be shouted in unison, champagne would be toasted, nothing would change. An empty ritual for empty people. Maybe that’s why I never feel like I belong anywhere on this day. It’s like I’m waiting to feel what everyone else around me is feeling when the ball drops.


  1. I have never quite felt right on New Years either. I don’t generally like getting plotzed, and have largely been with people who did. Or else with others who were not too into it.
    “You’re not alone in being alone…..”

    • I think we’ve been going to the wrong parties…we should throw our own.

  2. (Not to be creepy; I use your Wu Wei theme in WordPress and so I check on you here frequently as a result, but!) I do truly understand what you’re saying. While I don’t think your dissolution will wane, peace and joy should not have to feel so far away. Surely both are loitering close by, tailored just for you, waiting for a rainier day? Be real but kind to your own mind, Mr. Ngan. :)

    • You’re right…it’s funny think of how close peace and joy can be. All it takes is the right chance or the right circumstance. It’s just hard to see sometimes, on New Year’s especially, when it feels like I’m stuck repeating the past.

  3. To go to these things or not go? I always go, and I always feel like I am waiting to belong. I feel especially awkward when everybody hugs everybody else.

    • I tend to go even though I usually feel like staying at home, and I’m always glad I did, even if I feel out of place. For me, the most awkward part of the night is when everyone kisses another person at the stroke of midnight, but I just pretend to be occupied and hide behind my lens.

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