The fact that my dad and I are the eligible bachelors in the family means we get a lot of advice around the dinner table. They bring up available women. Friends of friends, daughters of dance partners, or this-person-I-know.
It’s strange to come upon the sudden realization that my dad and I are at the same point in life. Does that make me old, or him young?
They ask us our tastes: Looks? Personality? Older or younger? I say, “Money”, but they know me well enough to know I’m joking. A joke to hide my answer, for to reveal myself in this way is to expose a certain vulnerability. So they sidestep the question and ask me if I’m after anyone, thinking that if I describe a person I’m interested in, they’ll be able to figure out what I’m looking for. It’s complicated, I think to myself, so only reply with a “No”. They ask me if there’s anyone after me. “No”. That’s even more complicated.
Last week, my grandmother asked me how old I was. “28”, I told her. “Already! You’re almost 30. It’s time for you to get married.” She says if I stay in Hong Kong all the girls will be after me because I have some kind of gentleman scholar look. My dad too; he’s the man’s man, who’s always been fun and popular. And we have Canadian passports. Apparently, we’re in demand.
But they also want to make sure we’re not getting involved with the wrong type of women. Someone who will take our money once we’re married, or force alimony once they trap us with children. They tell us to keep an eye on each other. I say that my dad doesn’t need my approval if he wants to get married, but I don’t need his approval either. So they tell us to bring our girls to meet them, to be sure they’re okay.
I wonder; is love this easy for other people? Something others can control, when I can’t control it myself?
Finding love can be easy, depending on your definition for love. Keeping love is the harder part, no matter what you believe in. But we already know each others stances on love. You wanting it to exist in your life, me, not believing it should be the basis for a healthy relationship.
You can’t control love any more than you can control the way other people think. That’s why to me, it’s hard because I never had anything obvious to win people over to begin with (looks, money, status, etc). I always took the long with relationships and maybe at the end of the day, that’s the most rewarding, most satisfying way to build one, even though, it’s the most lonely road to go.
You’re absolutely right that keeping love is the harder part; as people grow and change with time, it’s like you’re not with the same person anymore.
My approach to relationships is a little different, probably because of my childhood experiences; it certainly is just as long and lonely a route, but as you say, much stronger in the end. I think we’re able to appreciate the relationships that work because they’re so much more difficult for us to find or maintain.
Don’t forget that these people (your older relatives) are survivors of marriages arranged by their parents. So to them, if they could survive getting married to people they (probably) didn’t like, why would it be difficult these days, when we could choose whoever we like?
It’s funny that way :)
The funny thing is that some of the marriages that weren’t arranged haven’t worked out. So how are the arranged ones supposed to work, when the ones who were free to choose have ended in divorce? Or maybe that’s why they think arranged marriages work; our relatives know us better than we know ourselves.
EXACTLY, Jeff. Exactly. LOL.
The question is what you mean by “work.” If you mean love remaining thriving and growing between two people through their many years of change, or if you mean long-term stability with an assurance of a good environment for, say, children.
Frankly I can’t seem to get both of those two concepts in the same package no matter what I’ve done. Ever.
I still want to believe it’s possible though.
You make an important distinction there. Although, I always pictured both as being dependent on each other. But whereas you can’t get both in the same package, I haven’t been able to find either yet.