The Ass-Slap Ritual

As I opened the front door to walk to work, I remem­bered that Aaron is pick­ing me up for lunch today, so I thought I should check to see if my wal­let was in my left back pock­et (where it always is). The thing is, I always put a wad of mois­tur­iz­er in my left palm so that I can lock my door with my right hand with­out get­ting my keys all greasy, then rub it in while walk­ing.

So I reached with my right hand to pad my pock­et and see if it was there, but feel­ing a bit stiff from the weath­er and the morn­ing, I had to stretch with a bit of force and momen­tum.

Exactly at that moment, my neigh­bours came out of their house. We greet­ed each oth­er, and after repeat­ed­ly refus­ing their offers to dri­ve me to work on such a chilly day, we went our sep­a­rate ways.

Then I real­ized that since I had­n’t com­plete­ly stepped out of my door frame at that point, they prob­a­bly saw me check­ing for my wal­let with­out under­stand­ing what I was doing, and thought I was doing some strange cross-body back-reach­ing ass-slap­ping rit­u­al.


  1. This made me laugh so hard. You have to now start an ass slap rit­u­al … “on my way to work, got my keys, wal­let and don’t for­get …” *slap* “off we go!”

  2. Actually, when I wrote this, I thought of one part of Orgasmo where all the male porn­stars slap their ass­es before get­ting in the scene. At one point, the direc­tor tells one of them to get in the shot, and he says, “But I haven’t slapped my ass yet!”. We should watch that movie.

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