Four consecutive writing days in a row. Balls.

Pat called me yesterday to see how I was doing. How fucking amazing is that? When I found out, the back of my nose felt tightly congested, and the rims of my eyes started to tingle. I need to be more like Pat. I realized yesterday that he’s like my preacher; he’s the only one I can talk to without fearing judgment or embarrassment. It’s not that my other friends aren’t understanding, it’s that Pat is able to see the motivations that drive the actions one does, without worrying about whether the consequences are for better or worse. He’s able to see the good in many people, and I guess that I need to be reminded that I have some good in me on occasion.

I think I need boobs. I bought a turtleneck during a boxing day sale. I found it on a table stacked with other motley piles of clothes, in the middle of the store, for 50% off. I didn’t try it on, since the lines for the change rooms were ridiculously long. I got home and tried it on, and it felt a little…large. I tried to shrink it in the wash, but it only slightly worked, because it still fit in an odd way. I realized today that it might be a girls’ turtleneck, and that the extra room in it might be for a healthy rack. I’m not completely sure, because I’ve never tried on what I know to be a girls’ turtleneck, and the beige colour isn’t particularly feminine. I suppose I could try to return it since it hasn’t been worn yet, and hasn’t been (noticeably) washed, but I’d rather have the boobs.

I’ve tried to change the date and time coding in PHP, so that it more accurately represents when the entries were written, but no such luck. The server this is hosted on is located in Hong Kong, which is about 13 hours ahead, so all the entries seem like they’re written 13 hours into the future. I found out how to edit the values of the date and time, but only when it’s from a current timestamp, and not when it’s being retrieved from a database. I might just try to figure out a way around everything if I really feel the need to have accurate numbers.

I think that I stop reading during particularly stressful school terms. My free time alone is generally divided between gaming and reading, and when I need some stress relief then gaming is just able to deliver much better. As Doug and I discussed, we’re able to lose ourselves, to just let go of everything else and be completely absorbed. Sometimes my stress will spill over though, and I’ll feel the need to write.

Why do I feel better after writing what I cannot profess to others?

I’m still struggling in my use of “one” instead of “you”.

Why do I feel the need to write again so soon? Why can’t I just live one more day without having to tell my thoughts to something, anything that will accept without judgment? Sometimes I wish that I couldn’t write for months.

I think I passed my DNA Computing and Quantum Computing test today. It turns out that I was missing about 1/4 of the notes, so I really had to do some last minute studying. The prof made it fairly easy though, which I was glad to see.

I stumbled across some Taoist teachings today, and I was intrigued by what I read. I think it’s something that I’ll have to research more, along with my Buddhist beliefs and Confucianism.

Women are quite able to make friends with a man; but to preserve such a friendship — that no doubt requires the assistance of a slight physical antipathy.

—Nietzsche

When I first read this, I wasn’t too sure about the validity of it, or perhaps even the validity pertaining to myself. In the last month, however, it seems to be so true that any consideration of the possibility to the contrary would be ridiculous.

Today, someone told me that ever since she first met me, she thought I was Korean. It was pretty surprizing, since this girl was Chinese herself. It’s the first time I’d ever been mistaken for Korean, although people often confuse my last name as being Vietnamese. Do we really all look the same? Well, since even I failed the test, I suppose it’s true.

I need to stop writing for an audience. It feels like I’m not being true to myself, that I can’t say what I want to say. Yet I do, somehow, in some equivocal manner.

The winter is so beautiful. Usually I study better at night, but when it’s winter time, and everything is white, I feel much more motivated during the day. It’s as if God finally realizes that the entire world is shit and covers it with a huge bleached tarp.

I bought Dolly a new toy on the week-end, and she loves it. It’s got a soft ball covered in fur on the end of an elastic string. She’ll try to take the ball where she wants by grabbing it in her jaws, but when the elastic stretches past its limit, the ball will rip out of her mouth and make her go even crazier. She plays with it until she’s tired, then she’ll lay down on the ground below where the ball lies, and just try to bat it with her paws.

I’ve been working on the new layout, and I completely scrapped the metallic idea. Pictures just didn’t seem to fit well in it. I actually have the final design done and created in html format. It allows for a better formatting of content, though it will take me more work. I’m not completely sure if I’m satisfied with it, but it will probably have to do since I generally have little content to work with.

Sometimes I start thinking, and then I realize what a fucking idiot I am, and that thought just sticks in my head. That happened for most of today.

I have to set up two laptops for these high up execs at work. One of them actually made a complaint about me and Aaron to my boss before. It’s hard to work for someone with this kind of history, but somehow I can just grin and bear it. I think that being stoic is something that I’ve learned very well from my childhood. An alarm went off in the building too, and we had to evacuate. My boss asked me if I wanted to get some beer and pizza, but I told him that I had too much work to do. The temptation was almost too great.

I’ve generally been neglecting my eating habits and my sleeping habits, and my schoolwork, even though I half-resolved not to. It’s good to know that no one cares. At least it’s honest. I know that I need much more balance in my life, and I think that it’s something I can achieve. It’s just been so hard with everything going on. Pat thinks that I should take a week off work. After all, it’s the reason why he quit the job in the first place. But he had a high maintenance girlfriend, and I had a negative maintenance one at the time.

There just seems to be so much reason for me to stay awake late at night.