Posts tagged with "weakness"

Still Human

Crank it. Loud, and maybe you’ll under­stand how I feel.

I’ve been in such a slump the last week. Maybe I’m over-worked, over-tired, and over-stressed. Things haven’t been going my way.

It’s filled me with such frus­tra­tion, sad­ness, and anger.

Now I’m left to face the ugly world alone, and all I can think is to never put your trust in some­one. Never be depen­dent, never expect any­thing from any­one because you’ll only get hurt.

Pick your­self up, cause no one’s going to help you.

I try to ratio­nal­ize every­thing and fol­low the Tao, but I can’t. Everything is so overwhelming.

As much as I’ve learned, as much wis­dom as I’ve gained, as far as I’ve come, I’m still human.

The Second Introduction, Part 1

There’s a group of peo­ple I once knew well, past the bar­ri­ers of for­mal­ity and beyond any bound­aries of unac­cep­tance. Unfortunately, cir­cum­stances didn’t go our way, and I had to leave. It may have been con­sid­ered a self-imposed exile, but exile sounds so severe. Leaving was the only thing that I could think of. I’ll be hon­est and say that I don’t know from what I was running.

I just know that I was run­ning. I just know that I needed to get away, to dis­tance myself from some of the only peo­ple who have ever treated me with respect. From some of the only peo­ple who have ever treated me like fam­ily. With no expla­na­tion, I left, and they have every right to never speak to me again.

Now, years later, I find myself miss­ing what I had. How selfish.

Perhaps it was the com­mit­ment. Perhaps it was my intol­er­ance. Perhaps I was try­ing to pro­tect oth­ers from get­ting too attached. Most likely, it was a com­bi­na­tion of every­thing. I won’t say that I made a mis­take, because I make my deci­sions based on lim­ited knowl­edge and cur­rent, unde­vel­oped wis­dom. I will, how­ever, apol­o­gize and admit that I’m sorry. Sorry for ever caus­ing any sort of pain, to the last peo­ple in the world who ever deserve it.

This is me at my most humble.

Long-Term Issue

The day was going so well. It’s the end of the week, work hasn’t been too stress­ful, and tonight is sup­posed to be fun.

One tiny fuck­ing thing had to ruin it.

I can’t believe I almost broke down here. I can’t even cry, when it feels like let­ting go and bawl­ing my eyes out would be the only way to get it all out of my sys­tem. I can only sit here, my eyes swollen and tired, and force myself to work. I don’t know how other peo­ple deal with their prob­lems, because I’m not the only one. I just seem to be the only one who hasn’t come to terms with it all.

Am I just a nat­u­rally weak per­son? How are oth­ers, who seem to have gone through the same thing, not be affected by it? Will this ever go away?

Before, I sim­ply hated. Then, for years, I believed that I came to terms with it. Now, I sim­ply ques­tion why.

Why is it so hard for me to get over this?