I’m not sure what to think right now, but I know that I’m steaming. I’m boiling. I need to calm down. I haven’t been this angry in a while. I need to calm myself. I need to write while I’m shaking. I need to get this emotion down, and break it apart, piece by piece until I can see why and how I can get like this.

This is all so very interesting. I sit here, my heart beating, my hands shaking, my mind throbbing, breathing deeply, trying to take in calmness with each inhalation. System of a Down pumps in my ears, the scratchy sound of my headphones hurts with the greatest of delight. I miss the bass. I feel my blood pumping through my veins, feeding passion through every ventricle, making me mad with rage.

I try to keep my sanity, my cerebrality, my mind. I turn up my music. Only logic can help me here. I grip to every shred of calm I have, so as to not act on some superfluous emotion.

Only this can bring me closure, can give me resolution. A screen of grey, of sombre colours, of seriousness pointing to serenity.

I have learned.

It seems so weird that I can pick up friends so well, and the ones I want to keep are always too busy for me, but the ones I can’t stand, are the ones whom I can’t get rid of. It seems like such a theme in my life, even in my relationships. I suppose that I can’t pick my friends, which means that I’m doomed to a life of loneliness (something that I believe I’ve already come to terms with), except for John, whom I can have a great time with. I mean, I have some of the most fucked up relationships ever.

There may be one explanation, which I hope is not true. It’s very subconscious, and very hard to explain. But I hope it’s not true. I would be an asshole if it was true, and I would deserve to be alone.

Being alone makes things so much simpler. I mean, my life is much less complex when I think about it. It’s quite a good feeling to not be dependent on anything. One would have the freedom to commit suicide without worrying about anyone caring. One has no responsibilities to anyone.

Will you be my friend? No, of course not.

What a fucking bad day.

Today was generally a shitty, low self-esteem day. I was left out or left behind three times. I needed some Anger Management, with a lot of my Fuck Off playlist to get through the day. Perhaps I’ll write a more heartening entry later tonight, after I’ve had a nice shower, a hot meal, and some Strongbow. My Fuck Off playlist is as follows.

• Coal Chamber — Sway
• Coal Chamber — Unspoiled
• Coal Chamber — Loco
• Coal Chamber — Oddity
• Korn — Reclaim My Place
• Korn — Justin
• Korn — Pretty
• Marilyn Manson —1996
• Marilyn Manson — Angel With the Scabbed Wings
• Marilyn Manson — Irresponsible Hate Anthem
• Marilyn Manson — Tourniquet
• Deftones — 7 Words
• Kittie — Brackish
• Slipknot — Wait and Bleed
• Godsmack — Whatever
• Refused — New Noise
• Deftones — My Own Summer (Shove It)
• Pantera — 5 Minutes Alone
• Tool — Jerk
• Fear Factory — Edgecrusher
• Marilyn Manson — The Reflecting God
• Tool — Hooker with a Penis
• Marilyn Manson — The Beautiful People
• Marilyn Manson — Mister Superstar
• Marilyn Manson — Dried Up, Tied, and Dead to the World
• Korn — Dead Bodies Everywhere
• Korn — It’s On!
• Korn — Got the Life
• Papa Roach — Last Resort

I took out Freak on a Leash because it just doesn’t have the hard hitting refrain that I need when I’m really pissed off, although I suppose the cadenza in the middle where Jonathan Davis goes crazy is some relief from people I just can’t seem to deal with.

So I got home, to an empty apartment, thank god, opened up a can of Strongbow, and started writing. It’s fairly rare that such a day happens, I’m glad to say, in contrast to other poeple I know, who happen to have bad days when they stub their toe, or when they get too many calls from their friends during the day. That just pisses me off. Blah, don’t get me started.

If one thinks about what one knows or what one feels, one should probably come to an understanding of why one feels that way. I mean, aside from the possible implanting of tastes, or things that you like because of influences beyond your ability to remember.

An example: if one enjoys listening to metal, then there should be a realization that it might be because of the way heavy guitar riffs and screaming have a way of helping one deal with ones shitty, shitty life. And if ones life improves, one may not need that genre of music anymore. Of course, one may still enjoy it for whatever reason.

Another case. If one is hit by a car, with life-threatening injuries, I’m sure that one would be less than thrilled to cross the street the day one gets out of the hospital, let alone drive home.

The two cases are different insofaras the latter can be a life-altering experience, whereas the former is not.

And yet people, without having life-altering experiences, feel and act without questioning why they are feeling or acting in a certain way.

Pure fucking sequacity

I can never understand how so many people can just act without thinking, without understanding things, without sufficient knowledge of the situation.

I’m sure I could make a poster of a Chinese man, exaggerating all the stereotypical parts of his body, as a piece of art, a comment in itself of how perverse people think. Would people question why I made it the way I did? Would people try and understand why I made the poster in the first place, before deeming me racist, and demanding that I destroy it? The answer, sadly, would be no. They would only feel that because it portrays a Chinese person in a stereotypical manner, it is wrong. They would never even question why it is wrong.

Perhaps the government is just too good in doing what they do. Sure, they’ve done a good job at eliminating racism, but at the same time, they’ve created anti-racism racism. Now, hiring minorities is a necessity, even if the minority happens to not be as good at the job as someone else.

But who can blame them? They’re just trying to control masses of idiots, who can’t think for themselves.

I wish people would actually think, before they made a decision, before they acted. If one doesn’t like someone, one should question the reason. Don’t just act on it. One may realize that one was wrong in the end. If one thinks that someone is immature, one should think about it. Perhaps even look at it from a different view. If one doesn’t like something because of an incident in the past, one should look at it in the new context of the present. Not just acting on what one has been told, or what one has felt for so long.

Pavlov should have used humans. He wouldn’t even needed to have trained them.

God, people piss me off.