Posts tagged with "vent"

every red fucking light

it’s far too late to be doing this, but I know I’ll lose it if I don’t get it down right away.

cause the music. my god. you never truly feel it until this hap­pens. like it’s writ­ten for this moment, when the song isn’t over so you have to dance in the car for 0:34 cause you’re home already.

i wasn’t going to men­tion any­thing until there was some­thing worth men­tion­ing. then i excit­edly spilled my guts to trol­ley over the grilled atlantic salmon.

things fell apart shortly thereafter.

i keep think­ing of how i wouldn’t have changed a thing if i had to do it all over again, how any­thing done dif­fer­ently wouldn’t have made a dif­fer­ence any­way, but that’s never much com­fort is it. these are also the nights i queue up only three songs to make sure I get out of the shower in a timely manner.

aaron knew some­thing was wrong when i broke into a sweat and took off my coat. i lied cause it was his day and not mine, but all i wanted to do was go home and drown myself in iso­la­tion and play until my fin­gers bled1.

i’ll always be caught in this flux. there is no arrival for me. the oscil­la­tion has always been the des­ti­na­tion, but the waves get a lit­tle calmer each time.

  1. he knows how bad i am at hid­ing things like this, how it always eats me up, and i feel ter­ri­ble cause i know how he always wants to take me away from that. []

but doctor, i am pagliacci

I can’t put together a coher­ent thought lately. It’s all just bits and pieces rac­ing through my head. I have six drafts open at once, but I get nowhere. And since I can’t write, I have no catharsis.

Only pent up emo­tions and thoughts and ideas and love and crazy and lust and worry.

grumpy cat

 

Maybe that’s why it feels like I’m barely hold­ing on to my san­ity. I don’t under­stand myself any­more. There are so many ups and downs in a day. Even my nights are haunted by dreams, some­times won­der­ful, mostly scary. I’ve been try­ing to find mean­ing in the lit­tle things; bet­ter ways of chop­ping rose­mary, adjust­ments to the form when prac­tic­ing Tai Chi, new strum­ming pat­terns on the uke.