When I went home for Christmas three years ago, I was a very confused person. I had no idea what I was looking for, what I was doing. When I came back, I felt as if I had gone through some sort of mid-life crisis. I still didn’t know what I wanted, but for some reason I wasn’t confused anymore. Did I end up resolving anything? To this day I don’t know.

What I do know, however, is that I haven’t stopped changing. Even if I did come to some conclusion back then, it would have no relevance today. So many things are changing, not the world around me, but me myself.

I see this as a good thing. It lets me know that I’m still learning, that I’m still living to the highest degree. I have difficulty “defining” myself, difficulty understanding my own (long term) actions sometimes. As I’ve known since high school, it usually takes me at least half a year to understand the choices I make.

Sometimes it feels like a constant mid-life crisis when I keep questioning the decisions I make and the relationships I have with others. I question things not with doubt, but with curiosity.

And this has filled my life with uncertainty.

The hardest thing in life is not knowing what to think or feel.

It’s difficult for me to imagine being done school, that I can start living as a free person. I’ve been in school for so long that I begin to expect another term in the near future. Yet I’m done (as long as I didn’t fail anything) and I have a great deal of options. But what would I really want to do with my life? A university diploma will only help me get a tiny part of what I want to achieve.

Odd that I live so day-to-day, yet have a few goals planned for decades in advance. Even if I haven’t achieved a single goal by the time I die, I’ll feel decently satisfied. I enjoy being able to appreciate everything I do each day. A great deal of thinking needs to be done before I keep going. And while the future seems uncertain, while the world seems to be turned upside down, I feel comforted.

It’s understanding and realization that bind my world together, that bring meaning to anything I do.