deconstructing songs

I’ve been decon­struct­ing songs, try­ing to fig­ure out what mag­i­cal com­bi­na­tion of pitches and tim­bres and rhythms can cre­ate such an intense response in my body. Every song is a puz­zle when you try to fit the com­po­si­tion into what a per­son can do with­out stu­dio edit­ing or a band.

On my quest to unlock such a puz­zle, I dis­cov­ered Final Fantasy per­form­ing a Bloc Party cover of This Modern Love, what is now my favourite song of all time1, hav­ing dethroned Blonde Redhead’s Elephant Woman of the hon­our it held for many years. It strips me bare by lay­ers and lay­ers, and even though the lyrics found rel­e­vance in my life before I decided that dis­tance would keep me sane, it’s only in recent months that it’s gone from being a song I never skip to a song I always play.

To be able to see how Owen Pallett repro­duces it with only a vio­lin, a loop pedal, and his char­ac­ter­is­ti­cally frail voice is a par­tic­u­lar treat. Not only because he can draw the same inten­sity in me as in the orig­i­nal ver­sion, but because you can see how it’s done; what part he keeps to present the lis­tener with the essence of the song, what he’s changed to fit the tools he uses, and even where he takes his breaths. It’s like find­ing an ele­gant solu­tion for a puz­zle that has per­plexed you for years.

But I’ve yet to sit down and attempt any seri­ous cov­ers of my own cause I’m still wait­ing for my musi­cal knowl­edge and gui­tar abil­ity to catch up with what I want to accom­plish. I’ve been learn­ing clas­si­cal pieces for a bet­ter foun­da­tion, and in that pur­suit I came across this par­tic­u­lar ver­sion of La Catedral.

I enjoy clas­si­cal music (though I’m really picky) cause it can evoke a spe­cific emo­tion in me, but most pieces cater to only one emo­tion at a time, or there’s a lot of devel­op­ment before the part I really like. La Catedral, on the other hand, has it all, from sor­row to ela­tion, and every bit of it is bliss. I’m con­vinced that this is how the old Paraguayan gui­tarists rocked out with their cocks out, and it amazes me how some­one could write such heavy emo­tion when there were no metal idols, no amp dis­tor­tion, no scream­ing back then.

I’d say that for any­one to fully under­stand me, they’d have to under­stand this song too. It rep­re­sents every­thing I love about music and emo­tion and sex, cause it’s all in this song, and only Denis Azabagić plays it the way it was meant to be played2. When watch­ing this for the first time, I remem­ber think­ing that I would make love to this man, this man who looks like some guy’s uncle, because he plays like he’s touch­ing every nerve of my heart.

I love the way he moves with his gui­tar, the way he cra­dles the body, the way he purses his lips or widens his eyes with every swelling of pas­sion. To be able to play like him is is exactly why I started tak­ing up gui­tar; I want to feel as good as those who lose them­selves to the music, and learn­ing this piece has become another thing I hope to do before I die.

  1. As a per­son who lis­tens to almost any genre but is still obses­sively selec­tive with music, say­ing that I have a sin­gle favourite song is a big deal. []
  2. I never liked this song until I heard him per­form it, the last 45 sec­onds in par­tic­u­lar, with his orgas­mic fin­ish. Every other clas­si­cal gui­tarist uses pauses that break up the flow of what are sup­posed to be relent­less six­teenth notes, to the point where it feels like the entire song is ruined. []

dry spell

I was spring clean­ing and found a box of con­doms due to expire this sum­mer. What’s the lifes­pan of con­doms kept out of the sun­light and in a cool place?

Five years.

Which pretty much means I haven’t been in a rela­tion­ship in as long, cause I’ve always shied away from any­thing purely phys­i­cal. Sex is very men­tal for me. Someone once told me she thought we were sex­u­ally com­pat­i­ble, but I never felt like we were par­tic­u­larly well-matched. We sim­ply loved each other on a very pro­found level, and that kind of inti­macy and con­nec­tion is what made the sex so good. Without that, it’s not even worth it.

Maybe it’s just my inter­ver­sion that’s lead­ing me to think that no sex is bet­ter than bad sex.

The last thing I did was hold hands with some­one after she jumped into bed with me, com­plain­ing she couldn’t sleep. She had these tiny hands, with slen­der fin­gers. It was nice. But I couldn’t bring myself to take it any fur­ther cause I couldn’t see myself with her.

Luckily, I can do dry spells. Easily. Considering I had a 15-year one until I lost my vir­gin­ity. Now I’m at an age where peo­ple want to intro­duce me to some­one, and some­times they’ll add, “…but she has a kid”, when try­ing to sell me on the idea.

Pendulum — The Island

I’ve always main­tained that a per­son isn’t alive if their heart doesn’t pound out of their chest when lis­ten­ing to The Island by Pendulum1.

It’s a grad­ual build-up, most of Pt. 1 Dawn being the devel­op­ment until Pt. 2 Dusk hits (at about the 5:20 mark in the video) and the beats really kick in. Then it’s just waves and waves wash­ing over my body like small orgasms and every hair stands on end.

It’s mes­mer­iz­ing to lit­er­ally see how this music makes me feel, as the rip­ples of goose­bumps crest and sub­side. I can trace the paths of shiv­ers across my skin; some last longer, though they may not be as strong, while oth­ers come and go quickly, my body unable to sus­tain the climax.

This is the only song that has this kind of effect on me. There are plenty of other tracks that give me goose­bumps, but none of them do it so many times or with such inten­sity. By far the strongest peak is dur­ing the bridge at 7:10, when every­thing sub­sides to the organ, and it’s like you’re being bathed in the warm light of a sunrise.

  1. To get the full effect, you def­i­nitely need head­phones. Otherwise, it should be loud enough to war­rant a noise-complaint by your neigh­bours down the street. []

On Touch-Typing vs. Second Base

  • Me, hear­ing John typ­ing over the phone: You’re quite the touch-typist now. I remem­ber when you were a two-finger typist.
  • John: I still am. And I have to look at the key­board. I guess I could type with­out look­ing but I never try.
  • Me: Think of it as a vagina. Do you have to look at a vagina when you’re fin­ger­ing it?
  • John: The vagina only has one button.

Undiscovered Fetish

Lisa’s recent com­ment, where she says that some­one who’s able to teach you a lot sex could make up for unflat­ter­ing char­ac­ter­is­tics like closed-mindedness, got me thinking.

I know what I like, sex­u­ally. As a guy, I’ve prob­a­bly seen it all, espe­cially after being unable to look away at the train wrecks on eFukt, a site with the tagline “Porn you wish you never saw“1. If I had to make a gues­ti­mate, I’d say that my sex­ual deviancy is about aver­age; I’m far from vanilla, but on the other hand, I don’t get aroused at watch­ing Japanese women tak­ing ene­mas of yel­low liq­uid, shit­ting it onto heated pans, and hav­ing a group of peo­ple eat the cooked con­coc­tion2.

At the same time, I’m far from hav­ing explored every­thing in the bed­room, mostly because I’ve never reached the right level of inti­macy. It’s not that I’m embar­rassed; they’re just things I want to share with some­one spe­cial — the way some female porn­stars share anal sex with only their boyfriends, or some women save it for mar­riage — and no one has been that spe­cial yet. That, and the fact my sex life has never become so bor­ing that I felt like I needed to change things up. Besides, secrets aren’t so bad; the fun is gone when when all the secrets are out and there’s no mys­tery left. But even though I haven’t explored these things yet doesn’t mean I don’t know what I like, and I’m pretty sure that’s mostly been deter­mined already.

The last sex­ual thing to blow my mind was when I dated Louise and she intro­duced me to the whole Dominant/submissive sub­cul­ture, of which I had pre­vi­ously been com­pletely unaware. As with a few other car­nal flavours, it’s some­thing I’d like to try with another part­ner in the future, but prob­a­bly only on a con­tract basis because being a per­ma­nent dom3 is too much for me. That was back in 2004, and there hasn’t been any­thing quite as erot­i­cally eye-opening since. Maybe because it was some­thing men­tally sex­ual, not just a phys­i­cal but­ton to be pushed in a dif­fer­ent way.

It feels like there’s lit­tle new to learn about my sex­ual tastes now. It makes me won­der what’s left out there for some­one to teach me (I mean, aside from learn­ing the pref­er­ences of the per­son you’re hav­ing sex with), or for me to dis­cover. Then again, just last week, I read a news arti­cle on a sub­ject of an indi­rectly sex­ual nature, and one part had me think­ing, “Wow, that would be pretty hot”, when it was a very innocu­ous thing that I’m sure most peo­ple wouldn’t even think twice about, so who knows.

  1. I’m not going to put a link from my page, you can just google it. WARNING: VERY, VERY NOT SAFE FOR WORK. And pos­si­bil­ity, san­ity []
  2. I didn’t have the stom­ach to watch the video, but John did, and he gen­er­ously gave me a play-by-play of it as I pre­tended to be involved in his movie col­lec­tion to dis­tract myself from the gross­ness. I remem­ber him say­ing, “Now they’re blow­ing on it because it’s too hot to eat” and real­iz­ing he was actu­ally watch­ing the video and not just mak­ing it up. []
  3. i.e. 100% of the time. I find I’m gen­er­ally dom­i­nant 95% of the time in my rela­tion­ships. []

You Can't Go Back

During his Emmy-award win­ning per­for­mance, Kill the Messenger, Chris Rock had a hilar­i­ous bit on the dif­fer­ences between men and women. He sums it up succinctly:

Women can­not go back­wards in lifestyle. Men can­not go back­wards sexually.

An exam­ple he uses for women is the first time they get into a nice, warm car after club­bing, wav­ing bye to their friends who are wait­ing for the bus in the cold. After that, they can’t be with a man who doesn’t have a car, or as Rock puts it, “That’s how the fuck you roll for the rest of your life”. This extends to guys with their own places, then guys who take them on vacation.

On men, he says, “Once we get the sex we like, that’s how the fuck we roll. I like my cof­fee like this, I like my steak like this, and I like to fuck like this…Ladies, don’t get mad at us. Get mad at our ex-girlfriends. She’s the one that [sic] spoiled it for every­body” because if your ex-girlfriend licks your ass, you expect your cur­rent girl­friend to do the same.

For me, the same is true for girls in gen­eral, but not just in these aspects. I can’t be with a girl who refuses to try exotic foods or refuses to give uncon­ven­tional music a chance, who wouldn’t rec­og­nize the effort I put into my presents, who wouldn’t cher­ish the love and affec­tion I give, who wouldn’t under­stand me, or wouldn’t laugh at my stu­pid jokes, because I’ve been with girls who are a com­bi­na­tion of open-minded, appre­cia­tive, roman­tic, on the same wave­length as me, and actu­ally find me funny (when not com­pletely awkward).

That's why this entire idea scares me.

I know most peo­ple get more flex­i­ble on things about their mates as they head towards (or beyond) the mar­ry­ing age but I seem to be mov­ing the oppo­site direc­tion. Each girl I’ve been with has been an improve­ment over the last. Now the bar has been raised so damn high I don’t think I’ll ever get there again, and I’d rather be alone than com­pro­mise or settle.

My stan­dards are get­ting higher, and I can’t go back.

Sex In Between

One time, she sud­denly asked me, “Have you had sex with any­one else?”, which she used to imply as between the last time and what we were about to do. It was a valid ques­tion, since we’re both sen­si­tive to the pro­lif­er­a­tion of Cupid’s itch and Venus’s curse.

I was insulted that she asked, because at the time I felt like sex with some­one else would have been cheat­ing on her. As uncom­mit­ted as the rela­tion­ship was, she still had my heart, and con­se­quently, other parts of my body as well. I’m also not like that, and it takes a lot before I decide to be inti­mate with some­one. But at the same time, I was flat­tered that she thought I would or could, a lit­tle boost to my ego that is rarely ruled by machismo or testos­terone.

I haven’t either”, she reas­sured, which was some­thing I nat­u­rally assumed of my mod­est muse, so it was of lit­tle com­fort to me.

Sexual Secret

Secrets aren’t so bad
We’re too young to feel safe
I don’t deserve all this now
Don’t want to feel I’ve made mistakes

I want to tell you every­thing
I want to tell you every­thing
But if I tell you every­thing
What we can build won’t mean a thing

Secret’s Aren’t So Bad, Magneta Lane

There’s this thing, this sex­ual thing I like. I mean really like. It’s not exactly deviant, but cer­tainly some­thing that some girls may find gross or unappealing.

Even though it’s such a big deal to me, I never told any of my girl­friends about it. Only one of them liked it, and even she didn’t know how impor­tant it was to me, because it was some­thing she wanted from me.

I know most of my girl­friends would have prob­a­bly indulged me (at least once in a while) if I told them, but I never did. Not because it’s embar­rass­ing, but because I never wanted any of them to feel obliged or pres­sured into doing it. I always think that one day, I’ll tell the right per­son because she’ll ask me what I like, and she’ll do it for me because she loves me. None of them have, yet, maybe because it’s never got­ten bor­ing in the bedroom.

So for now, it remains this lit­tle secret I keep, because secrets aren’t so bad. They can be lit­tle gems that bring peo­ple closer together. So why reveal them all so soon?

On Isotretinoin

I recently started a course of Isotretinoin, a strong med­ica­tion used to cure severe acne by alter­ing DNA tran­scrip­tion. For some rea­son, my acne has really flared up in my late twen­ties. I would get huge cysts on my face that would last for weeks, not to men­tion the hyper-pigmentation that would last even longer after the cyst went away. Needless to say, it was mak­ing me very anti-social when I was talk­ing to peo­ple and felt like there was a huge dis­trac­tion on my face.

I was referred to a der­ma­tol­o­gist, who gave me a pre­scrip­tion for “full strength” (accord­ing to my body weight) to see if I could han­dle the side effects. The phar­ma­cist asked me if she made a mis­take because they don’t offer a dosage that strong, so now I take a com­bi­na­tion of two dosages.

Due to the potency of the med­ica­tion, there’s a huge list of side effects. The scari­est is the mood changes. I’m sup­posed to stop the dose if I start experiencing:

  • changes in my mood such as becom­ing depressed, feel­ing sad, or hav­ing cry­ing spells
  • los­ing inter­est in my usual activities
  • changes in my nor­mal sleep patterns
  • becom­ing more irri­ta­ble or aggres­sive than usual
  • los­ing my appetite
  • becom­ing unusu­ally tired
  • hav­ing trou­ble concentrating
  • with­draw­ing from fam­ily and friends
  • hav­ing thoughts about tak­ing my own life

As a per­son who’s suf­fered from sui­ci­dal thoughts in the past, this was quite a fright­en­ing propo­si­tion. I asked my friends to be aware, just in case I don’t notice any changes in myself.

So far though, the only side effect has been extremely dry skin, espe­cially on the face. The lips have been the worst; I can’t eat or drink any­thing with­out apply­ing a thick layer of mois­tur­izer on them, oth­er­wise they peel like mad.

There’s also a dry­ing of mucous mem­branes. To relieve the chap­ping, I’ve started smear­ing Vaseline in my nose.

Prior to this, the only time I used Vaseline was as a sex­ual lubricant.

Now I get aroused every time I breathe in.

The Eyes

The eyes

The first thing I notice about a girl is her face, but the eyes are what hold my attention.

Especially eyes like this.

Big, round, and pure. They’re the ulti­mate sign of fem­i­nin­ity, because they con­vey inno­cence, youth, vitality.

Sometimes, the most inti­mate and per­sonal thing you can do — from hav­ing a con­ver­sa­tion to mak­ing love — is make eye-contact.

Tears as a Turn-On

It became painfully obvi­ous that my turn-on of girls cry­ing is related to my own pen­chant for sad love­mak­ing.

I’ve always liked the idea of bring­ing some­one from tears to bliss­ful phys­i­cal plea­sure. Like make-up sex with­out the fighting.

A girl was able to do that for me once, so I’ve always wanted to be able to do it for some­one else.

Either that, or my sad­ness is min­gling with my lust.

Ersatz

This looks familiar.

A place I’ve been, a feel­ing I’ve had, a girl I fucked one night in the fall.

Back then she cried. Lying in bed next to me, she told me she was sorry. I believed her, but I didn’t trust the tears, because she knew how much it turns me on. She got what she wanted any­way, and I sup­pose I did too.

That was the last night I saw her.

And now this. A replace­ment who used my shots, my con­cept, my idea, and called it destiny.

But it isn’t can­did enough. It’s too forced. Unnatural. As if she’s try­ing too hard again to cap­ture what was lost, and what she could have had.

So she found another ver­sion, and used him in my place.

Sex and Chocolate

It’s a gen­er­ally accepted rule that sex is a good thing and choco­late is a good thing so by log­i­cal impli­ca­tion, sex and choco­late must be a very good thing.

I tied the red rib­bon from the box of choco­lates around her neck, the pen­dant a plas­tic heart.

Sex Drugged

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that some­times he has to eat them.

—Adlai E. Stevenson Jr.

It’s after din­ner, and while her par­ents are putting the dishes away down­stairs, she’s going down on me, lying on her pink sheets, pants pulled down to my knees. Her brother’s in his room next door, and I’m pressed up against the wall that sep­a­rates us. In my quick­ened breath she hears that I’m on the verge of moan­ing, and keeps me in check with an embar­rased shush.

Without a means to express my plea­sure, all I can say is that I love her.

It wasn’t true. I was just lost in the moment, addicted to the heat of her tongue.

A week later, we broke up.

This is why they have the insan­ity plea. When you catch your wife in bed with another man. When you tell some­one that you love them, because you’re intox­i­cated, get­ting the best head you’ve ever had in your life.

And to this day what I regret the most wasn’t the con­flict I caused in her fam­ily with my even­tual absence, or the tak­ing of her vir­gin­ity, or dat­ing some­one else the day after we broke up.

It was that I couldn’t con­trol my words for those ten lit­tle minutes.