April 21, 2010

Protected: The self coming true

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April 16, 2010

On The Path

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I’ve been feel­ing serene lately.

Serenity hasn’t been some­thing that lasts for me. It comes and goes in cycles. Eventually, I fall off the path, because anger, impa­tience, love, over-analyzing, are all habits of mine. Habits that resur­face when I let my guard down.

The goal now is to keep the seren­ity going. The hard­est part is the fact that I have to be con­scious in my attempt. It’s a con­stant work in progress, and some­thing I can’t stop work­ing on, lest I fall into the trap of my old self again. I’m hop­ing that even­tu­ally, I’ll be able to make this into a good habit, and this peace will come on its own.

So often, it’s hope that gets me through. But I have no need of hope, or clo­sure, or jus­tice any­more. None of that mat­ters. Life is what it is. I’m start­ing to let go of every­thing I used to hold dear.

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February 3, 2010

Things are changing, day by day

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Edit: Wow, I found an old photo I took in 2004 of the CD in Trolley’s CD player.

Thumbnail: Float On

Modest Mouse used to be the best kept indie rock secret. Then they let Gravity Rides Everything be used in a Nissan com­mer­cial. Then they did Saturday Night Live. Then they did The O.C. (Really, Modest Mouse? REALLY?). Then they appeared on Rock Band 2 and Guitar Hero World Tour, and now I won­der if they were just sell­outs doing it for the money to begin with.

But before all that hap­pened, or per­haps as it hap­pened, they came out with Float On.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (ver­sion 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the lat­est ver­sion here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

This was the song of 2004. It defined the year for me. I was pick­ing myself up off the floor after a tor­rid rela­tion­ship, and set­tling down alone, find­ing my own lit­tle bit of peace.

That was six years ago, and I’m back there again. I had an odd moment of seren­ity as I left the stair­case to the Tai Chi stu­dio tonight, and walked into the frigid, calm air. Sort of like I had no hope, but that didn’t mat­ter because I didn’t need hope; I had my hands, my senses, my wits, and my cam­era, and that was good enough.

I’m sure the fact that I’ve start­ing work­ing from home four days out of the week has some­thing to do with it. I can work on projects with my music loud, and my pjs on. I don’t get inter­rupted, so my pro­duc­tiv­ity is great.

Okay, so I’ve been avoid­ing any movies or TV shows with dat­ing or romance. I’m stick­ing strictly to Babylon 5 and The Sopranos. It’s been work­ing, because I’ve been feel­ing bet­ter about myself and my cur­rent sit­u­a­tion. Thinking: “Maybe I’m a nice secret right now”.

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March 5, 2003

Serenity

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I’ve come to under­stand the mind­sets of a few dif­fer­ent types of peo­ple when it comes to per­sonal prob­lems. Most peo­ple I know will sim­ply deal with any prob­lems, instead of fight­ing them head on. I find that I try to do the same thing some­times, but I tend to come out a lit­tle worse for wear. Most have prob­a­bly gained more seren­ity, some­thing that I’m still learn­ing to control.

Yet when most peo­ple are deal­ing with their issues in a pas­sive man­ner, the meth­ods become even more diverse. Justification seems to be a very com­mon method, but many jus­tify in dif­fer­ent ways.

Some that I know believe that life is sim­ply full of dis­ap­point­ments (a few Buddhist can­di­dates, I’m sure) and that any bad things that come their way should sim­ply be under­stood. They don’t get angry or upset, and they seem to come out on top of things in the end. Others try to ignore the prob­lems, since think­ing about them will only make things worse. Some that I know even use such bad sit­u­a­tions to their advan­tage by exag­ger­at­ing them for some cheap atten­tion. I even know oth­ers who are able to feel bet­ter by com­par­ing them­selves to others.

Some will sim­ply get depressed.

I find that I gen­er­ally fall in either the for­mer or the lat­ter cat­e­gories. I would hope so at least, since I’ve been in the lat­ter for a great part of my life. I’ve been able to deal with things a lit­tle bit bet­ter now, for about three years. I sup­pose that it’s some­thing that Rob was able to teach me, but prob­a­bly also due to the fact that I’ve had a good last three years. I’ve been able to see the other side of life that so many oth­ers seem to be able to expe­ri­ence. I feel like I’ve only got­ten a taste, and that I should try to expe­ri­ence it again.

But God still owes me some serenity.

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September 21, 2002

An Anti-Social Lack Of Faith

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I feel anti-social today, which is not good, con­sid­er­ing the fact that I have to go to a con­cert with peo­ple I know.

This seems to be a feel­ing that fol­lows me around a lot. As Pita said yes­ter­day, I become dis­ap­pointed when peo­ple don’t meet my expec­ta­tions. I sup­pose I have lost a lot of faith in the human race, but can I be blamed for that? And many, many peo­ple don’t meet my expec­ta­tions. That’s fine, I guess, since I’d rather be alone than with peo­ple that piss me off.

And so I write here again, in hid­den mean­ings, about things I can’t seem to deal with, about the world in gen­eral. John once told me that I need to be more tol­er­ant. I agree, I agree. John is the mas­ter of tol­er­ance. I don’t know how he does it, but he can just deal with any­thing that’s thrown at him. Serenity is some­thing that I was not born with.

Perhaps Sam has affected me more than I con­sciously real­ize. An affect that seems to have marked me for life, as Humbert Humbert had after meet­ing Annabel. It is arro­gant of me to com­pare myself to such a beau­ti­ful, intel­li­gent, though tragic, char­ac­ter as Humbert.

I hope I can get through this day.

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