Modest Mouse used to be the best kept indie rock secret. Then they let Gravity Rides Everything be used in a Nissan commercial. Then they did Saturday Night Live. Then they did The O.C. (Really, Modest Mouse? REALLY?). Then they appeared on Rock Band 2 and Guitar Hero World Tour, and now I wonder if they were just sellouts doing it for the money to begin with.

But before all that happened, or perhaps as it happened, they came out with Float On.

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This was the song of 2004. It defined the year for me. I was picking myself up off the floor after a torrid relationship, and settling down alone, finding my own little bit of peace.

That was six years ago, and I’m back there again. I had an odd moment of serenity as I left the staircase to the Tai Chi studio tonight, and walked into the frigid, calm air. Sort of like I had no hope, but that didn’t matter because I didn’t need hope; I had my hands, my senses, my wits, and my camera, and that was good enough.

I’m sure the fact that I’ve starting working from home four days out of the week has something to do with it. I can work on projects with my music loud, and my pjs on. I don’t get interrupted, so my productivity is great.

Okay, so I’ve been avoiding any movies or TV shows with dating or romance. I’m sticking strictly to Babylon 5 and The Sopranos. It’s been working, because I’ve been feeling better about myself and my current situation. Thinking: “Maybe I’m a nice secret right now”.

I’ve come to understand the mindsets of a few different types of people when it comes to personal problems. Most people I know will simply deal with any problems, instead of fighting them head on. I find that I try to do the same thing sometimes, but I tend to come out a little worse for wear. Most have probably gained more serenity, something that I’m still learning to control.

Yet when most people are dealing with their issues in a passive manner, the methods become even more diverse. Justification seems to be a very common method, but many justify in different ways.

Some that I know believe that life is simply full of disappointments (a few Buddhist candidates, I’m sure) and that any bad things that come their way should simply be understood. They don’t get angry or upset, and they seem to come out on top of things in the end. Others try to ignore the problems, since thinking about them will only make things worse. Some that I know even use such bad situations to their advantage by exaggerating them for some cheap attention. I even know others who are able to feel better by comparing themselves to others.

Some will simply get depressed.

I find that I generally fall in either the former or the latter categories. I would hope so at least, since I’ve been in the latter for a great part of my life. I’ve been able to deal with things a little bit better now, for about three years. I suppose that it’s something that Rob was able to teach me, but probably also due to the fact that I’ve had a good last three years. I’ve been able to see the other side of life that so many others seem to be able to experience. I feel like I’ve only gotten a taste, and that I should try to experience it again.

But God still owes me some serenity.

I feel anti-social today, which is not good, considering the fact that I have to go to a concert with people I know.

This seems to be a feeling that follows me around a lot. As Pita said yesterday, I become disappointed when people don’t meet my expectations. I suppose I have lost a lot of faith in the human race, but can I be blamed for that? And many, many people don’t meet my expectations. That’s fine, I guess, since I’d rather be alone than with people that piss me off.

And so I write here again, in hidden meanings, about things I can’t seem to deal with, about the world in general. John once told me that I need to be more tolerant. I agree, I agree. John is the master of tolerance. I don’t know how he does it, but he can just deal with anything that’s thrown at him. Serenity is something that I was not born with.

Perhaps Sam has affected me more than I consciously realize. An affect that seems to have marked me for life, as Humbert Humbert had after meeting Annabel. It is arrogant of me to compare myself to such a beautiful, intelligent, though tragic, character as Humbert.

I hope I can get through this day.