I had the chance to watch Forrest Gump today, and re-experience was an amazing film it was again. I spent many hours as a kid (or, more appropriately, as a social hermit) watching it over and over again.

My grade nine history class allowed me the privilege of understanding the subtleties of certain scenes used as a time stamp, such as Governor Wallace protesting the desegregation of the public school system, or each war Lieutenant Dan’s ancestors died in.

It was odd to watch a film I haven’t seen in so long, yet to be able to quote most parts of it word for word, tone for tone, accent for accent. Everything seemed so foreign yet so familiar. Every scene brought an old emotion, unfelt since the last time I watched it so long ago.

It was interesting to understand new things about the movie, things which were beyond my comprehension in my youth. It became apparent that I learned much since then, and that I was experiencing the movie in a different way. As James Cole notes in 12 Monkeys while watching Vertigo, one may watch a film twice, but it may seem different when the changes are solely in oneself.

I only now understand Lt. Dan’s struggles with his fate and philosophy. I remember being very physically attracted to Robin Wright, and I guess I simply lost that attraction. I hadn’t fully appreciated the strength of Forest’s mother until seeing it again today. The list goes on.

It must be rare to have something which can be used as a meter or ruler in which one can measure ones progress. I hold self-improvement and intelligence as such important things in my life that I am constantly trying to use one to better the other, and consequently I may lose sight of how far I’ve gone.

Hopefully there is more to go.

Sometimes it feels like there’s too much to think about, too much to wonder about, too much to understand. It seems like I’ll never be able to catch up with all my thoughts. There are too many things that take me too long to know. Yet I’m still learning, or trying, at least, every day.

I wish I had all the time in the world to figure things out, to become wiser or more intelligent.

It would be worth it.

I once wrote about how I could never come up with my own ideas, that my creativity was non-existent. After all, I look to this and that for inspiration and ideas on nice, simple webpage design. It seems to be true for almost everything I do though. My style of dress. My expressions. My elocution.

When I first wrote about this, it felt like I had no creativity whatsoever, that nothing I created was original. I constantly felt like all that I could do was imitate.

The realization dawned on me today, that I always look up to certain aspects of so many people, and that I’m always trying to capture that aspect for myself, such as Steve’s style, Aaron’s character, Rob’s serenity, John’s/Alvin’s intelligence, Nadine’s charisma, or Dave’s strength. It feels like I’m just a motley menagerie of other peoples’ personalities, never really being “myself”. I end up being someone who can only imitate parts of other people.

I suppose that I’m fine with this, although it’s taken me a while to understand this fact. After all, it’s only been within the last year or so that I’ve come to accept myself, and who I’ve come to be. I feel like I’ve become a better person in my pursuit of self-improvement, but only by following what I like in others.

For only in others can I see beauty.