When I went home a few months ago, I found a copy Soul Mountain at Chapters, which I had been looking for, ever since I found out about it. I’ve been reading as much as I can lately, whenever I have the time and the energy to concentrate on what Gao Xingjian is trying to narrate to me.

The thing that makes the autobiography interesting so far is that Xingjian was incorrectly diagnosed with fatal lung cancer, and after proper review, had been given a second chance on life. His outlook changes, and he begins to see everything around him very differently.

I’ve lately felt that, although I’ve never been threatened with any life-altering incidents, I’ve begun to see things differently as well. It’s as if I have nothing and everything to live for. That there would be no difference between dying tomorrow or in eight decades. It’s almost as if I’ve had my fair share of experiences, each one as important as the other in shaping who I am, good or bad, and that this is already sufficient for me to be satisfied with my life. Perhaps I feel this is true when I compare the amount that I’ve already learned with the infinite amount that is impossible to learn. After all, what is the purpose of life anyway? For me, it is to continually shape myself into a better person, whether it’s intelligence, or a better appreciation of music, or dexterity, or anything. And since there is no absolute goal I have to reach (or can reach), there is no way for me to fail, and death henceforth becomes meaningless.

When I tried to explain this to someone, he got confused, and thought that I was telling him about how I had experienced all there is to experience already. This couldn’t be further from the truth. There are a plethora of things I haven’t done, that I haven’t been through, and whenever I’m given the chance to actually experience one of these things, I feel as if I’ve gained more out of life.

Instead of seeing the act of living as crossing out items on a life-long “to do” list, I see it as writing down items on a “have done” list.

The greatest distinction for me between these two worldviews is that I can take my time in doing what I want, instead of feeling rushed to accomplish as much as I can before I die. Seeing life this way has certainly allowed me to be a much more relaxed, flexible, easy-going person, uninhibited by the fear of death. The good thing about this is that I didn’t have to fool myself into this view, simply because I was unsatisfied with my life. Somehow, this mindset shaped itself in my brain, and eventually manifested itself through my ever-continuing maturity.

It has made life meaningful and meaningless at the same time.

Ever since I got my iPod, I’ve been a playlist listener, as opposed to an album listener like Nick. I had 10 main playlists, and each one would be for a different genre or mood, although I listened to my mood ones much more often, such as my bittersweet mix or angry mix. Now I’m find my moderate number of playlists to be insufficient. Often, when I step out into the intemperate sky which has been so dominant lately, I won’t be able to find an appropriate playlist. Nothing matches my moods now.

I think that my moods and emotions have become more subtle and diverse in the last year. It’s been harder to put my finger on how I’m feeling, because nothing is as base as a simple “sad” or “angry” anymore. I find that the flavours of my feelings have become more intricate and connected, not only because of simultaneous highs and lows, but also because of a greater application of dual-sidedness.

Sometimes it feels as if my emotions have evened out, that there is less range to the ups and downs. I’ve learned a great deal from the interesting set of situations I’ve been placed in over the last two years. This, combined with my zealousness for self-improvement, has allowed me to become a little stronger and a little wiser. Perhaps, in time, everything will even out. I’m just not sure if that’s a good thing or not.

Because I’d probably cease to learn.

Sometimes I see the same movie twice with a large gap of time between viewings, and I understand the characters, thoughts, emotions, and actions very differently each time.

A few days ago, I came to the realization that I’ve been a different person in every relationship through my eight year dating period. Not all of me has changed, but there are a few aspects which I believe would be important in such a bond.

I’ve gained more maturity and more confidence. I’ve gained a fair amount of intelligence (though I still feel like I have infinitely more to learn). I’ve changed career goals, relationship goals, and happiness goals. I’m more outgoing, more tolerant, more secure, less pretentious (I hope), less arrogant, and less ignorant. I’ve changed my opinions on children, abortion, and religion. I’ve even changed my actions based on these shifting beliefs.

Although I view most of these changes as being good things, they may put strain on a relationship nonetheless. After all, change is change, and unless a relationship is strong and flexible enough, it cannot endure such stress. It’s a little scary to think that I may be bringing extra strain into a relationship, simply by being myself.

At one point in my inexperienced youth, after having changed a fair deal already, I believed that I wouldn’t change any more. Now I realize how stupidly oblivious a comment that was, and am of the belief that I’ll never stop changing.

The most important thing to keep in mind through all of this is whether the change is for the better, and as Tom has helped me realize, relationships (friendships or otherwise) should form around this idea.

Whether or not a relationship will work out in the end is not based on one person, but the foundation and dynamic of two people.

In the past, I’ve always appreciated any dismal emotions I was experiencing. Even though these melancholy feelings have always been comfortable and even inspiring to me, I’ve usually felt like I’d rather be in a complacent mood.

I realized that sometimes it’s best for emotions to be felt and experienced, no matter how bad they are. Sometimes it’s just better to let feelings run their course, to consume the fuel that makes one feel defeated. Of course, this is only possible when there is no more fuel being generated. When there is stagnancy in the situation and one is aloud to rest in one’s mind, things become much simpler. These morose thoughts and ideas need to be embraced and not forgotten, so that one can understand and learn, grow and be strong.

Eventually, one gets past what has happened, and is a better person for it.

Self-improvement has been a goal I set for myself for as long as I remember, a sort of never-ending quest that I hope to find fulfillment in. It makes me happy to know that I have people to look up to, people my age whom I know. Being able to realize that even these people are human has helped me set more realistic goals for myself, instead of some quixotic ideals I could never hope to accomplish. Not everyone is the same, of course, and while I may look up to one person for their morals, I may look up to someone else for their confidence.

However, I judge how well I’m doing in my goals by comparing myself to people with personalities I can’t stand. I try to be as sanguine as possible, simply because I know someone who brings down everyone he hangs around with. I try to be open to other peoples opinions due to the fact that I know someone who refuses to accept anything but his own conclusions, as open-minded as those are. I try to have fun even when I’m losing a game, as difficult as that may be for me sometimes, because I know someone who becomes angry whenever they lose. I try to act affectionately but appropriately with people I’m involved with, simply because I know people who are either too desperate or too cold. I try to give as much space as is needed in my relationships because I know people who are exceedingly high-maintenance.

Whenever I see people act the way they do, I try to find the good in them. Sometimes I find both good and bad, but I focus on the good, a thing which comes easily to me, perhaps as a result of my zeal to become a better person.

Sometimes I find only bad, and it gives me more to work for.