I already knew that I had a lot to learn, but it’s only now that I’m feeling a little overwhelmed. Sometimes it feels like I can’t keep track of everything, because there are so many things to think, talk, write about.

I have to keep in mind the fact that everything should be approached slowly. Rushing causes confusion, mix-ups of emotion. As much as I’d like to jump head-first into things, I have to pace myself. Learning is an investment, and as long as I can picture what I’m working towards, this shouldn’t be too hard. After all, I have the rest of my life, and the only limit is myself.

This will be a test.

But, most of all, this will be fun.

I wanted to thank you for changing my life.

Then I realized that you didn’t do anything. You were completely selfish, completely inconsiderate. I picked myself up and made the best of what you left me as. Loving you was the important part, not anything that you had ever done.

I realized that it wasn’t you who changed my life. It was the experience. It was the conscious effort to turn my life around.

It was me.

I know the hatred and envy of your hearts. You are not great enough to not know hatred and envy. So be great enough not to be ashamed of them!

—Of War and Warriors, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Ah, back into this again. I wasn’t planning on writing this tonight, but something set me off.

I like how Nietzsche believes that two human “flaws”, which some view as sins no less, should be embraced instead of shunned. Most likely, he’s attacking Christianity, and it’s view of hatred and envy as sins (he goes on to attack other beliefs in sweeping subject dances). Personally, I think that he’s pointing out the fact that humans are, in fact, human, and prone to err. After all, who is good enough to not feel such base emotions, even if only once-in-a-while?

It’s made me realize that sometimes I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I shouldn’t blame myself for feeling a certain way, or having a certain flaw. It doesn’t even matter if painful emotions don’t generate something beneficial, like self-improvement.

Of course, if my base assumption is wrong, then I’m reading too deeply into this. Such things are always a hazard of reading translated material, and all that really matters is whether or not it helps.

It’s taken me this long to realize that the best that one can do is try, not succeed. That doesn’t mean that I’m going to settle for a life without self-improvement, it just means that I should learn to forgive myself before I learn to forgive others.

Because the former has always been harder than the latter.

I have learned to walk: since then I have run. I have learned to fly, since then I do not have to be pushed in order to move.

Now I am nimble, now I fly, now I see myself under myself, now a god dances within me.

—Of Reading And Writing, Thus Spoke Zarathustra

A long time ago, maybe almost ten years ago, I met a guy who was the same age as me named Alvin. We got along extremely well, which was a rarity for me at the time. He was a complete enigma. There was always an air about him, something in his stable demeanor, that told me he had everything figured out. I asked him once, “Do you feel any pain?”. “Only when I want to”, was his response. I couldn’t possibly understand.

How can I describe this feeling? How can I explain? I’ve been looking for the right words for so long, but nothing comes through. Only images and ideas. Thoughts without expression.

All I know is that it feels like I’ve arrived at something, like I’ve finally come to a point where I’m comfortable with myself. Where I can hurt without being sad. Where I can love without pain.

The key is understanding how dissatisfaction breeds improvement, how pain breeds happiness, how there must be a balance of good and bad, and living by these beliefs with committed industry and absolute humility. It’s what Taoists express as Yin and Yang, what Nietzsche was saying through Zarathustra. And when one’s life goal is self-improvement, everything falls into place.

Now there is no going back. Now I truly feel like I’m alive.

Now a god dances within me.

The best thing about graduating university and having a job is that nothing follows me home. For almost all of my life, up until this point, I felt like a slave to homework, projects, and tests. I’d never have a weekend where I could just relax, and not think about the next thing that I should be working on. Even in the summers I felt guilty for not getting a head start on next years material.

Now it’s just pure relaxation. No more worry about failing something or running out of money. The only thing left to work on is me, and I have the rest of my life for that.