I can feel myself getting hyper again. I’m still trying to figure out why. The last time I felt like this was a little over four years ago, but I was a different person at the time so all emotional influences had a different effect. Every song makes me want to sing aloud, every joke makes me want to die laughing. This is probably just the manifestation of a simple excess of emotions, overflowing in my mind. I doubt it will last long.

I wonder if anyone else enjoys making love when they’re sad.

I came home yesterday with a note on my desk, and it said that Dolly was being taken for a walk.

My first reaction was disbelief. I couldn’t understand how someone could just take my cat for a walk. I was beside myself with shock. I felt violated. I felt insulted. I felt terrible.

I hadn’t walked Dolly yet, for several reasons. First of all, I didn’t have her microchipped, so any chance that she gets away would be devastating. Secondly, I hadn’t decided whether I should take her out yet, since she might miss being outside too much after her first time. That was a big decision for me, one that I hadn’t made yet, but one which was made for me.

The most important point is that Dolly had her first walk without me. I wasn’t there to see how she reacts with the world, I wasn’t able to be the first person to let her outside.

I stood in my room for ten minutes in disbelief. I couldn’t even wrap my head around how someone could do such a thing, to walk into my home and violate my feelings in such a way. I put on my headphones, put on my fuck off playlist, and sat under my desk, shaking my head. This was the most offensive thing anyone has ever done to me in my life.

When the realization that there was no other first walk sunk in, I started to sob. The shock segued into depression, and I slumped onto the ground, pulling my hair, still in disbelief. I cried for a good while, something I haven’t done for eight or nine years. I cried so hard that my tear ducts felt like they were being sucked of their fluids and the walls were starting to touch each other. By the end of it, my eyes had the old familiar swollen feeling, and I was exhausted. I showered and tried to wash the mucus from my hair.

The whole situation has made me more fully understand how much I care about Dolly. I already knew how much I cared about her, and I appreciated her before, but I never realized the extent of it until now. I don’t see her as a pet. I see her as a child.

It’s also made me think about the nature of good and bad, and how much of a balance there is. I never really believed that either existed, since one bad thing generally spawns a good thing, such as murder helping to control overpopulation, or genocide leading to beautiful art/culture. Of course, I’ve never been through either, so my thoughts are quite limited.

I just can’t see the good in this situation. I can’t see how this can be anything but bad. I haven’t learned anything from this, one of the only possible justifications for it happening, and I have lost even more faith in humanity.

Seeing the good in this would be healthy for me.

I found the diary of a bulimic girl. She seemed so lost, not knowing what to do. It was one of the only times where the simple reading of a diary truly scared me. The image of finding blood on one’s fingers after throwing up is what really affected me. I felt so helpless, so sad that there was nothing I could do.

I’m not sure what it is about myself, but I always feel like I should try to relate and help someone who’s depressed. I haven’t completely been there myself (I’ve never been completely depressed or euphoric), so often I feel like it’s not my place to be talking about it. Yet I feel like I can understand such strong emotions.

It makes me feel so forlorn when someone seems like they’re stuck in a hole, with no way out. I always felt that when I was in that hole, nothing could help me out, only the understanding of another person. That person is gone for me now, having changed my life, never knowing it herself.

I realize now that I want to help people in emotional distress because of how I looked up to that person. My admiration for her has made me want emulate her, to help other people the same way in which she helped me. I still remember how much I needed that help. Perhaps if I was able to change someone else’s life, then they could be better off than being stuck in the hole.

It’s so difficult to cure oneself of such emotional distress. After a certain point is reached, one feels so helpless, as if nothing can make things better, and nothing will ever get better. Thoughts eventually lead to suicide, life goes black, ashes turn to mud. It’s something that can’t be escaped alone.

I wish there was something I could do.

I think I’ll be switching my race to Humans, which is quite a big decision. I’ve never been good with micromanagement, especially in Starcraft. It’s like something I wasn’t raised with, so I can’t get better at it, the way you see older people hit a limit in their two word-per-minute typing speed. In Starcraft I think I hit a limit where I just couldn’t get any better, which completely sucked, because I wasn’t that good anyway. I think that by practicing with Humans, I’ll be better at learning how to micromanage. I’ve been sucked back in by Warcraft 3. It’s hard for me to imagine juggling a top 10 rank on the ladder, and having a girlfriend at the same time.

Somehow I got 94.5% on a mid-term (even though the average was about 90%). It makes up for other mid-terms I suppose, since I believe that I failed two of them. I’ll be able to defer the marks, however, for my Networking and Communications mid-term, to my final exam. That makes my assignments worth a piddly 15%, and my final a monstrous 85% of my final mark. Yay, I guess.

Something made me sad the other day, which hasn’t happened in a while. I seem to usually keep a very level set of emotions nowadays. It’s odd, because when I started dating Christie, things seemed to look better, and when we broke up, they seemed to still look better. I’m not really sure why. It’s like Christie helped me experience things that were good, so now I have those thoughts in my head.