If a woman sleeps alone, it puts a shame on all men. God has a very big heart but there is one sin he will not forgive: if a woman calls a man to her bed and he will not go.

—Zorba the Greek

There exists a spot on every woman that needs to be kissed.

It can be as innocuous as the curl of the lip, the web of the hand, or a mark on a landscape of skin.

It’s the responsibility of a man to find this spot. Not as a service to the woman — sometimes the woman isn’t even aware of such a spot — but as a service to the creator of such things.

I had an intense interview with my Big Brother caseworker, Stephanie, today. It lasted for three hours, and the questions ranged from whether I had firearms in my apartment, to what my relationship with my parents is like, to what I dislike about people. It’s quite a long process, and candidates are very stringently chosen. I first had to fill out an application form, fill out a police report form, and give them three references. They then send my references a questionnaire each, then interview me. They also need to interview Pita, to make sure that my apartment is a suitable environment for a little brother to spend time in. Stephanie told me that they have to reject quite a few candidates, based on the grounds of immaturity, improper lifestyle, or even health issues, for example. After all, both the organization and the big brother are responsible for the safety of the child.

It’s odd that this will be such a test of my responsibility. I always believed that I would be the one to dictate what I was ready for. After all, after months of consideration, I did decided to adopt a cat, even when I held back while people were encouraging me to. I don’t believe that there would be any other reason for being declined as a candidate. My suitability as a big brother will be determined by a board of people, and it will be the greatest test of my maturity to date. It will be quite objective, of course, since I have no part in the decision making.

So why am I not nervous? Could it be that I am finally gaining some confidence? I did ad-lib the interview, and I feel that I answered the questions very well. Perhaps I simply realize that I answered everything to the best of my ability, and that I can’t change the outcome when it arrives. Or simply that, although this would be a great experience for me, it’s not the end of the world if it doesn’t work out.

I think I can opt for all three.

This kitten is so important to me right now. I think that this will be the closest thing to having kids for me. But as a human infant is dynamic and ever changing, creating a volatile environment of order, a cat is more static, leaving the possibility of boredom. This would be my worst nightmare. I hope I never grow tired of her. I hope “the novelty” never wears off. This life is my responsibility, and it will be the greatest test of my tolerance yet. Of course, there may be nothing in it; she may simply be a wonderful pet, which she is so far, creating a mutualistic symbiosis which I would gladly be a part of.

And, as one can tell, I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m seeing somethings a little too far into the future, while I look at other things too unfocused to be viewed properly. If the jaguar is truly my totem, then I should be able to find patterns within this chaos, find some meaning in my present situation.

“a solid in the rippling water”

I’m extremely tired. My kitten kept me up all night. She took the middle of the bed, so I kinda had to sleep around her. I kept waking up, every time I needed to shift positions, scared that I would crush her. I’ve been playing with her during the evening so she loses a bit of the nocturnal instinct to go crazy at night. I named her Dolly, after Nobokov’s character Dolores Haze. I needed to keep the name under two syllables, and I think that it’s a good symbol of the way one can never tell whether a cat or human is the master, just as you couldn’t tell whether Dolores or Humber was in control.

I feel so unorganized. I have so many things to do it seems. Take care of this, take care of that. I think that I’ve brought a lot of responsibility on myself, adopting a kitten, applying for a Big Brother position, doing this and doing that. I think that I feel much more mature and important when I do all this. Perhaps it’s a cry for attention, but I doubt it. It feels like I’m suddenly being overloaded with things to do. I didn’t finish a single one of the three assignments that I had due this week. I’ve actually been losing sleep, which is an extremely rare thing for me.

I felt so guilty about those assignments. I’m pretty sure that I failed one of them. I just need to keep everything in perspective, something that Sam taught me so long ago it seems. Everything feels so chaotic, spiraling outwards like Yeats’ falcon from the falconer. Not that I think the Second Coming as at hand, of course, but things just seem so complicated right now. They’re nothing compared to other peoples’ problems, I know, but I’m not use to being so responsible.

I intend on getting one, after a lot of careful consideration. I’ve always wanted one, but I wasn’t sure if I would have the resources to take care of it, time being the most important one. Another question I asked myself recently was whether I was mature enough or responsible enough to take care of one for over 10 years. I refuse to be one of those people who simply buy a cat because they want one, then grow tired of it, and give it away. I would definitely need to take care of my apartment better, which is a good thing. I was thinking of purchasing everything that I need this week, then going to the pet store that I’ve been checking out and looking for a cat on the week-end. I seem to have an affinity for anything in the feline or panthera genus. I love the way they move, they hunt, everything about them. One of the most beautiful animals created.

My workload is starting to get heavy. I seem to have neglected my assignments for the most part, so I have three due this week, and I’ve only looked at one so far. Fourth year seems to have gone well otherwise.