February 25, 2008

The Spot

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If a woman sleeps alone, it puts a shame on all men. God has a very big heart but there is one sin he will not for­give: if a woman calls a man to her bed and he will not go.

—Zorba the Greek

There exists a spot on every woman that needs to be kissed.

It can be as innocu­ous as the curl of the lip, the web of the hand, or a mark on a land­scape of skin.

It’s the respon­si­bil­ity of a man to find this spot. Not as a ser­vice to the woman — some­times she isn’t even aware of such a spot — but as a ser­vice to the cre­ator of such things.

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June 26, 2005

Trinary Maturity: The Girlfriend (or The Lifestyle)

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It’s easy for some­one to asso­ciate an expe­ri­ence with the last mem­ory involved. I’m not with­out guilt in this issue myself. I’ll admit that the rough patches near the end of my rela­tion­ship with Loo have come to define the expe­ri­ence a lit­tle unfairly. Sometimes I have to remind myself of how much it’s helped and changed me.

In real­ity, I learned more from my time with Louise than from any pre­vi­ous rela­tion­ship. This was a per­son who inspired (and pushed) me to be bet­ter, but it wasn’t only her, it was the lifestyle as well.

I try not to have too much respon­si­bil­ity at this stage in my life, so when I do have it I take it seri­ously. Being a dom­i­nant means that respon­si­bil­ity is assumed over another per­son, another being, another liv­ing soul. To be given this respon­si­bil­ity, as a bond of supine trust, pro­vided me a sense of con­fi­dence I had never felt before.

And with this trust came a reju­ve­nated zeal for self-improvement. She was strong her­self, so I had to be stronger. If Louise’s con­tri­bu­tion was to push, my con­tri­bu­tion was to grow. It helped me fig­ure out what I want in the next few stages of my life. I stopped slouch­ing. I started speak­ing with more author­ity. I started walk­ing into restau­rants first, some­thing I could never do before, for rea­sons I could never explain. I demanded more out of life.

In the end, it didn’t work out. The dynamic wasn’t right. Unfortunately, I never felt like I was able to com­pletely han­dle every­thing until it was actu­ally over. Funny how life works out like that. What I’ve lost is only rel­e­vant now.

But what I’ve gained is more important.

The Trinary Maturity Series

  1. Introduction
  2. The Job
  3. The Girlfriend
  4. The House
  5. (In)Conclusion
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October 18, 2002

The Big Brothers Test

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I had an intense inter­view with my Big Brother case­worker, Stephanie, today. It lasted for three hours, and the ques­tions ranged from whether I had firearms in my apart­ment, to what my rela­tion­ship with my par­ents is like, to what I dis­like about peo­ple. It’s quite a long process, and can­di­dates are very strin­gently cho­sen. I first had to fill out an appli­ca­tion form, fill out a police report form, and give them three ref­er­ences. They then send my ref­er­ences a ques­tion­naire each, then inter­view me. They also need to inter­view Pita, to make sure that my apart­ment is a suit­able envi­ron­ment for a lit­tle brother to spend time in. Stephanie told me that they have to reject quite a few can­di­dates, based on the grounds of imma­tu­rity, improper lifestyle, or even health issues, for exam­ple. After all, both the orga­ni­za­tion and the big brother are respon­si­ble for the safety of the child.

It’s odd that this will be such a test of my respon­si­bil­ity. I always believed that I would be the one to dic­tate what I was ready for. After all, after months of con­sid­er­a­tion, I did decided to adopt a cat, even when I held back while peo­ple were encour­ag­ing me to. I don’t believe that there would be any other rea­son for being declined as a can­di­date. My suit­abil­ity as a big brother will be deter­mined by a board of peo­ple, and it will be the great­est test of my matu­rity to date. It will be quite objec­tive, of course, since I have no part in the deci­sion making.

So why am I not ner­vous? Could it be that I am finally gain­ing some con­fi­dence? I did ad-lib the inter­view, and I feel that I answered the ques­tions very well. Perhaps I sim­ply real­ize that I answered every­thing to the best of my abil­ity, and that I can’t change the out­come when it arrives. Or sim­ply that, although this would be a great expe­ri­ence for me, it’s not the end of the world if it doesn’t work out.

I think I can opt for all three.

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September 28, 2002

k

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This kit­ten is so impor­tant to me right now. I think that this will be the clos­est thing to hav­ing kids for me. But as a human infant is dynamic and ever chang­ing, cre­at­ing a volatile envi­ron­ment of order, a cat is more sta­tic, leav­ing the pos­si­bil­ity of bore­dom. This would be my worst night­mare. I hope I never grow tired of her. I hope “the nov­elty” never wears off. This life is my respon­si­bil­ity, and it will be the great­est test of my tol­er­ance yet. Of course, there may be noth­ing in it; she may sim­ply be a won­der­ful pet, which she is so far, cre­at­ing a mutu­al­is­tic sym­bio­sis which I would gladly be a part of.

And, as one can tell, I’m get­ting ahead of myself. I’m see­ing some­things a lit­tle too far into the future, while I look at other things too unfo­cused to be viewed prop­erly. If the jaguar is truly my totem, then I should be able to find pat­terns within this chaos, find some mean­ing in my present situation.

“a solid in the rip­pling water”

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September 28, 2002

Living With A Cat

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I’m extremely tired. My kit­ten kept me up all night. She took the mid­dle of the bed, so I kinda had to sleep around her. I kept wak­ing up, every time I needed to shift posi­tions, scared that I would crush her. I’ve been play­ing with her dur­ing the evening so she loses a bit of the noc­tur­nal instinct to go crazy at night. I named her Dolly, after Nobokov’s char­ac­ter Dolores Haze. I needed to keep the name under two syl­la­bles, and I think that it’s a good sym­bol of the way one can never tell whether a cat or human is the mas­ter, just as you couldn’t tell whether Dolores or Humber was in control.

I feel so unor­ga­nized. I have so many things to do it seems. Take care of this, take care of that. I think that I’ve brought a lot of respon­si­bil­ity on myself, adopt­ing a kit­ten, apply­ing for a Big Brother posi­tion, doing this and doing that. I think that I feel much more mature and impor­tant when I do all this. Perhaps it’s a cry for atten­tion, but I doubt it. It feels like I’m sud­denly being over­loaded with things to do. I didn’t fin­ish a sin­gle one of the three assign­ments that I had due this week. I’ve actu­ally been los­ing sleep, which is an extremely rare thing for me.

I felt so guilty about those assign­ments. I’m pretty sure that I failed one of them. I just need to keep every­thing in per­spec­tive, some­thing that Sam taught me so long ago it seems. Everything feels so chaotic, spi­ral­ing out­wards like Yeats’ fal­con from the fal­coner. Not that I think the Second Coming as at hand, of course, but things just seem so com­pli­cated right now. They’re noth­ing com­pared to other peo­ples’ prob­lems, I know, but I’m not use to being so responsible.

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September 23, 2002

I Believe I’m Getting A Cat

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I intend on get­ting one, after a lot of care­ful con­sid­er­a­tion. I’ve always wanted one, but I wasn’t sure if I would have the resources to take care of it, time being the most impor­tant one. Another ques­tion I asked myself recently was whether I was mature enough or respon­si­ble enough to take care of one for over 10 years. I refuse to be one of those peo­ple who sim­ply buy a cat because they want one, then grow tired of it, and give it away. I would def­i­nitely need to take care of my apart­ment bet­ter, which is a good thing. I was think­ing of pur­chas­ing every­thing that I need this week, then going to the pet store that I’ve been check­ing out and look­ing for a cat on the week-end. I seem to have an affin­ity for any­thing in the feline or pan­thera genus. I love the way they move, they hunt, every­thing about them. One of the most beau­ti­ful ani­mals created.

My work­load is start­ing to get heavy. I seem to have neglected my assign­ments for the most part, so I have three due this week, and I’ve only looked at one so far. Fourth year seems to have gone well otherwise.

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