I’ve been back for two days, and I’m still busy. I haven’t played a game of WC3 in over a week and a half. I think people would generally be worried about me if I told them this without letting them know that I didn’t have access to a decent computer. I can honestly say that the last two weeks have been the best trip home I’ve ever had.

I’ll never forget driving to the park to blaze with Darren and Chris or Jeff or Jerry. The park was always abandoned at that time of night, surrounded by a field on one side, and a row of middle-class houses on the other. I always suspected that the people eating dinner with their blinds open knew that we were doing something illicit when sparks would light up our faces in the blackness of the field. Standing in the middle of the playground, with its sand-covered tables or dual-sided slide contraptions, made me feel comfortably at peace. The area was devoid of traffic (and hence noise) and there was no light pollution to dilute the glamour of the glittering sky.

Afterwards, getting hungry, we would drive to the McDonalds drive-through (since the regular joint was closed at that time of night), and order an inordinate amount of food. Eating would always consist of parking in a nearby lot, lit from long lamps that seemed to want to touch the sky, and rolling down the Civic’s windows. The wide, open space of the parking lot would rarely see anyone drive through, and we were left eating comfortably in silence (albeit with the hum of the A/C in the background), when food never tasted so good.

We would hit the closest Timmies afterwards, needing coffee and somehow more food. The place was always empty, and from two to four in the morning we were the only customers, getting two large teas and two cheese strudels please. I wondered how much money could have been made by staying open 24 hours a day, paying the two employees working the night shift while seeing us as the only customers, purchasing food but staying well over the courtesy limit. I’ll never forget how brightly lit the place was, with it’s lugubrious employee seemingly mopping the floor for an eternity while Chris and Darren chatted endlessly about the more humourous aspects of their friends facial features. I would look out the window and see cars pass by on the main road every so often, wondering how I’ve missed such a good time my whole life.

Time spent with John was just as good. We watched Elizabeth (Geoffrey Rush and Fanny Ardent had the best parts), The Transporter (terrible), The Good Thief (very good), Jackass Movie (just as good the second time), and Better Luck Tomorrow (very enjoyable). We bought Timesplitters 2 for his PS2 and played quite a bit of co-operative campaign and switched to deathmatch when we felt the need to match testosterone.

He would give me a ride home every night which ended up taking about an hour due to the DVP being closed for construction. We rode along the dark city streets, listening to Air Supply and talked about anything from implanted human desires to how fucked up our relationships have been to our future plans.

I realized that, as good a time as I was having at home, I still wouldn’t move back there. I’m comfortable here, and I’m able to much better appreciate the time I spend with my friends or family if it’s not too often. I have something to look forward to.

Something that is rare.

It’s break-up fucking season.

The idea of unbalanced relationships was brought to my mind over the weekend. For a relationship to work, both parties must be satisfied with the relationship. If one person isn’t happy, then the relationship is bound to fail, unless work can be done to appease that person.

An interesting idea that arises from this is the occurrence of relationships in which both parties have differing reasons for being together. For example, one person might like the good time that the other is able to give, while the other person might like the intelligence of the first person.

I imagine that a trophy husband or wife relationship would be like this. One person has money to offer, whereas the other person has looks, and both are willing to sacrifice for the other.

Even a relationship as unbalanced as this is able to work, as long as both people are happy. And what if one person wants one thing from the other that can only be temporarily provided? The relationship becomes temporary itself, although not to both people.

Yet can such a relationship work? That depends on the definition of “work”. I don’t think that such a relationship can last for long. After all, it is based on the fundamentals of hedonism, to one person at least. The other person, aware of this or not, will only be left alone in the end.

So, hypothetically, one may look at both cases, one case where both parties are aware of the temporary status, and the other case in which only one member knows of such sinister motivations.

The former can be successful, as both people have an understanding of the situation, although an ending of the terms may cause problems such as the end of a friendship. The latter, on the other hand, can only lead to pain.

Being confused about either can only lead to worse.

I remember watching Seinfeld, and not being able to stand Kramer. He seemed to ruin so much of what his friends were doing, like hiring cigar rollers to roll crêpes, only to have them explode in the faces of customers, somehow causing George’s girlfriend to break up with him.

It always made me wonder why Jerry would never break off his friendship with him, why Jerry would always put up with someone who never seemed to give as much pleasure as the amount of strife he created.

I find the situation to be so common. I suppose that I’m constantly re-evaluating my relationships, and that as soon as a limit is reached, I have no interest in continuing the relationship. It’s probably the reason why I get over my break-ups so quickly, if not the idea of the situation, than the comfort. The fact that I’ve always been the breaker probably helps too.

I spoke with Aaron about it, and he explained to me very well that to Jerry, the friendship was worth it. I now understand that people see their friendships in a different manner, and that what I wouldn’t put up with may just be a simple matter to others.

Sometimes I wish that I didn’t see everything so day-to-day. However, by constantly re-evaluating my relationships, I not only clearly see the problems with bad ones, but I am able to appreciate the ones that are good as well.

An idea that has become common in my beliefs is that I should live as a demanding person, but I should give as much as I get. Perhaps that’s why I stop being friends with certain people, whereas others I would die for. I would prefer to live with a few close friends, as opposed to a plethora of acquaintances. Sometimes it still confuses me though, how people can put up with what I can only see as a terrible flaw.

There’s a fine line between knowing when to be selfish, and knowing when to be kind to others, even if kindness means sacrifice.

Confusion is something that has always struck me in the worst circumstances. Yet it’s something that’s very difficult for me to understand at the time. I am usually very unaware of my confusion. I find that it usually takes about six months for me to come full circle, and come to a full comprehension of what has happened. It’s as if I can’t see what’s going on in the present, but I have an idea of what will happen in the future, and a knowledge of the past, like the damned in the Divine Comedy.

I understand that it takes time to be out of a certain situation and to be able to free oneself of the bonds or consequences of decisions made during that time. Sometimes it just feels like the only thing that matters is for the confusion to go away, so that one doesn’t make an incorrect choice or decision.

Confusion was an aide to me once in a relationship. It caused me to see things clearer, and I ended up in a better place because of it, although I didn’t realize it at the time.

I just wish I felt like that was true.