I’ve been on auto-pilot.

It’s nice be able to stop think­ing cause I’m on a mis­sion to make sure every­thing goes well, to be able to put aside my own inse­cu­ri­ties and ner­vous­ness for the sake of get­ting shit done, and be happy with the per­son I am when I can pull it all off.

Energy for the day, with chicken-apple sausages and the cutest single-serving bot­tle of Heinz ketchup.

Alayna booked me a room at the Hilton cause it’s lit­er­ally a block away from the venue, and she knew I was com­ing from out of town. It was only John and I at the hotel that night, a lit­tle bit of pri­vacy and peace we had together that worked to our advan­tage. The fact that he wasn’t ner­vous made me ner­vous, even though I knew that meant he was mar­ry­ing the right one. While I wish I could have filmed the entire event, I knew my role was more impor­tant than that.

I finally got to meet his core group at the bach­e­lor week­end, and I fuck­ing love them. They’re amaz­ing peo­ple¹ with such intel­li­gence and con­fi­dence and inten­sity, and I’m so proud that John can count them as among his clos­est. But I took the most pride in the fact that I was best man out of the wed­ding party of 16 peo­ple, as well as the only one going back to his ele­men­tary school and even high school days.

A view of City Hall, Nathan Philips Square, and John’s office in the finan­cial dis­trict from the 27th floor. Toronto always seduces me at night.

It was great to see all of John’s fam­ily in one place; usu­ally it’s scat­tered cou­ples and kids at the cot­tage. Heather’s girls are grow­ing up, and even Grandma Currie was able to make it despite the fact that she hasn’t been in good health.

The only time John choked up in the day was dur­ing in his speech at the recep­tion, as he explained his dad’s influ­ence on his life. When I’m com­mis­er­at­ing with him, he always takes enough time between his words for the emo­tion to clear from his head, but when he was up at that podium he lost pace and the words got caught in his throat.

Reading Genesis in the Trinity College chapel at John’s old University of Toronto stomp­ing grounds, as we wait for guests to be ush­ered to their pews.

It was only the sec­ond day I didn’t pick up the gui­tar since I got it. And while I haven’t been inspired to play every day, I’d still touch the strings at least once out of habit before going to bed. My fin­gers feel like they’ve already lost some flex­i­bil­ity, but at the same time I think the break reset some of my bad fret­ting habits.

Rice noo­dles smoth­ered in peanut but­ter and soya sauce and sesame seeds. There’s so much com­fort to be found in this food.

The more I come back to Toronto, the more I want to stay. I feel like there’s so much I want to leave behind in Ottawa. So many mem­o­ries and emo­tions I’m try­ing to escape.

My friends are busy with their own mar­riages and kids, and I never see them any­more. I think mov­ing will solve the occa­sional bouts of lone­li­ness. But in the back of my head, I know it’s really my own intro­verted ten­den­cies that keep me from explor­ing out­side of my com­fort zone, and I won­der if it’s my city that needs chang­ing, or me.

1. One of whom has already had an award-winning CTV movie made about his life, star­ring Graham Greene. [↑]