I haven’t seen Pat in more than two months. We’re trying to schedule something for March, and by that time it’ll be an entire quarter year since we’ve hung out. I’ve come a long way since I last saw him, in terms of mindset, and he’s probably the only one who totally understands how gravely important that is to me. It’s too bad that my other close friends don’t completely understand me, although it’s no fault of their own and I don’t hold it against them.

It takes pain to understand pain, and Pat is the one who’s had the most similar experiences. If there was one person in this world who has me figured out, it’s him. It used to feel as though he would have to come to my level to talk to me, to understand what I was going through, to give me guidance and support.

Now it feels as if I’ve come to his level, and I understand his attitude, motivations, and worldview much better as a result of this. He admitted that he always wondered when I’d get there, and he’s curious if he’ll notice a change the next time he sees me.

I see all the influences that change me as adding more to my mind, another piece to the quilt.

Keeping every piece becomes as important as gaining more.

Pat is a very easy going guy. It’s rare for him to be angry or annoyed with someone, as aggravating as they can be. He has his four basic rules of getting along with people, which are a part of his personality. To me, they perfectly explain how I can’t walk ten minutes with him on campus without someone walking by and greeting him. He’s one of the most popular, friendly, outgoing people I know.

So I was surprised to hear him tell me about someone he met whom he couldn’t stand. After all, this is Patty, the guy who loves and is loved by everyone. I didn’t believe him until he explained how this person stood for everything he was against. Pat holds respect for others as one of the most important things in life, and this person had none.

It was odd to think that Pat has a natural “enemy”, someone who contradicts him in almost every way, until I realized that I have one as well. I’ve met a person who is everything I try not to be. He’s obnoxious, untrustworthy, crude, overbearing, pussy-whipped, jealous, and closed-minded. He has a decent set of manners, is generally friendly to most people, and does have a reasonable intelligence as far as I can tell, but none of this can really make up for what he’s like.

I can feel myself being slightly, uncontrollably biased against him, which I can’t stand in myself. One of Pat’s rules is that everyone should be given a fair chance, and even though I feel like I’ve given more than enough time for this person to change my opinion, I’m never sure if it’s enough. I hate being biased.

I generally can’t stand most people, but that’s my fault because of my intolerance. This person, however, is one of the only people I don’t blame myself for. Perhaps I dislike him so much because he reminds me a lot of what I used to be. Of course, Aaron thinks that this is a good thing, a reminder of how far I’ve been able to come as a person.

Sometimes that’s just hard to see.

Four consecutive writing days in a row. Balls.

Pat called me yesterday to see how I was doing. How fucking amazing is that? When I found out, the back of my nose felt tightly congested, and the rims of my eyes started to tingle. I need to be more like Pat. I realized yesterday that he’s like my preacher; he’s the only one I can talk to without fearing judgment or embarrassment. It’s not that my other friends aren’t understanding, it’s that Pat is able to see the motivations that drive the actions one does, without worrying about whether the consequences are for better or worse. He’s able to see the good in many people, and I guess that I need to be reminded that I have some good in me on occasion.

I think I need boobs. I bought a turtleneck during a boxing day sale. I found it on a table stacked with other motley piles of clothes, in the middle of the store, for 50% off. I didn’t try it on, since the lines for the change rooms were ridiculously long. I got home and tried it on, and it felt a little…large. I tried to shrink it in the wash, but it only slightly worked, because it still fit in an odd way. I realized today that it might be a girls’ turtleneck, and that the extra room in it might be for a healthy rack. I’m not completely sure, because I’ve never tried on what I know to be a girls’ turtleneck, and the beige colour isn’t particularly feminine. I suppose I could try to return it since it hasn’t been worn yet, and hasn’t been (noticeably) washed, but I’d rather have the boobs.

I’ve tried to change the date and time coding in PHP, so that it more accurately represents when the entries were written, but no such luck. The server this is hosted on is located in Hong Kong, which is about 13 hours ahead, so all the entries seem like they’re written 13 hours into the future. I found out how to edit the values of the date and time, but only when it’s from a current timestamp, and not when it’s being retrieved from a database. I might just try to figure out a way around everything if I really feel the need to have accurate numbers.

I think that I stop reading during particularly stressful school terms. My free time alone is generally divided between gaming and reading, and when I need some stress relief then gaming is just able to deliver much better. As Doug and I discussed, we’re able to lose ourselves, to just let go of everything else and be completely absorbed. Sometimes my stress will spill over though, and I’ll feel the need to write.

I’ve been talking with Pat and Aaron over the last few days, and we seem to be able to help each other out when we need it. Sometimes writing about it isn’t good enough. Generally, that’s when a second opinion is needed, or one is afraid of being blinded by emotion.

I think it’s a great privilege that I’m able to have such a good friendship with John, Pat, and Aaron, each relationship being very distinct from the other.

With John, I share a bond of independence and solitude. Ironic that our friendship is based on such antisocial attitudes. It’s our intellect and mindset that allows us to relate. Although venting to him is difficult, we have a comfort level that allows anything to be said, and nothing to be misinterpreted. Something which I suppose developed greatly over the large amount of time we have known each other.

Pat is a friend without even trying to be one. It is in his nature to be friendly, and it shows in his actions and attitude. I’m sure that I am not an important person to Pat, because he treats everyone equally, as he wants to be treated. For Pat, everyone seems important, and he has every aspect that I look for in a friend, without asking for as much as an ear to listen to. He ends up treating one better than one could ever possibly treat him, and he’s always helped me regain my balance.

My friendship with Aaron has been an interesting event. Never have I related more to someone. Yet we have such different attitudes and different experiences. I see myself in him. It seems so odd that I’ve been able to meet someone with so many similarities that I’m able to sense a bond. It makes me question the idea of fate and intervention, something which I thought I had a set understanding of until recently.

I think that I’ll always wonder what I’ve done to deserve the company and friendship of such good and unique people, except for John I suppose, since he’s inherently evil. I feel like a monster next to them, with all my vices and problems.

I remember crying once a long time ago because I was nobody’s best friend. The idea made me cringe and feel worthless, because I believed that I wasn’t important to anyone. I suppose the situation hasn’t changed much; I still feel as worthless as ever.

Except my friends can now make me feel great.