Yo.

It’s been difficult to write lately. Sometimes I peruse other peoples’ blogs, note their wit and style, and wish I could write as interestingly as they do. Then I remember that I only write for myself anyway and that it doesn’t matter if I sound boring or pretentious. Nevertheless, my writers’ block has partially been due to the fact that I’ve been experiencing some odd mood swings. It’s not even so much due to the ephemeral nature of my emotions, but more related to the fact that I don’t understand what I’m feeling.

Some things make me happy. Some things make me depressed.

I think I’m mostly just content, which is a feeling I’m not quite used to yet. It’s almost as if I’m floating in a pool of lukewarm liquid, unsure of what my senses tell me. All I know is that my dysthymic phase has long left me. For now, I have resigned myself to experiencing such emotions with an open mind, with the hope that I will some day understand them.

I remember wanting to keep my emotions in check a long time ago, wanting to become a completely cerebral person. Nowadays, I’m not so sure that this was such a good idea, not that I’ve been able to fully succeed in such a monstrous task. Perhaps a balance is needed in something such as this as well. A lack of emotions may cause a better appreciation for the few emotions one experiences, or vice-versa.

My rationale has changed on this because my experiences have changed. Growing up in a chaotic world of confusion and pain, I wanted an emotional barrier to prevent any further mental agony. Now, I’ve accomplished more, loved more, been loved more, and felt more. Perhaps I now feel that happiness is worth the possibility of mental anguish. Sometimes it feels as if I’m waiting for a terrible incident to revert my views. Life, however, seems to be getting better.

I just wish I knew what I was feeling.

I seem to be struck with a great need for mental and physical antipathy lately. Everywhere I look, things are filled with beauty, and I am unused to it. I’m not sure what has changed; whether it’s myself, or the world around me. It often feels like there’s too much to take in, too much to experience, and that I’m unworthy. I wish that I could be cold and bitter as before, so that I could feel better about myself, that I didn’t feel so ugly and ashamed.

Everything is so much simpler when the world is black. My mind is made up, everything is stable, I can create. Yet there is always something that is missing, something that I’m always striving towards.

I think it all has to do with the fact that I’m still uncomfortable with contentment. It’s still an awkward feeling for me, something that I’m not used to yet. Antipathy could change this, but I can’t bring myself to hate again.

My antipathy has mostly left me.

Sometimes people say things that just seem to hurt. One knows that they don’t mean it, yet it hurts anyway. For some reason, it’s even more painful, due to the ignorance involved. But what can one do in such a situation? Pretend as if nothing happened? I simply become antisocial. That happens a lot actually. When someone upsets me in any way, whether I become angry, sad, or forlorn, I’ll close up. I’ll distance myself, and I can’t help but be taciturn.

No wonder.

I got my cryptography mid-term back yesterday, and it turns out that I failed it. That means that I failed more than half my mid-terms. I’m starting to worry about my finals. I was actually considering my absence at Dougie’s LAN party, but Aaron (rather easily) talked me into going.

Sometimes people say things that just seem to hurt. One knows that they don’t mean it, yet it hurts anyway. For some reason, it’s even more painful, due to the ignorance involved. But what can one do in such a situation? Pretend as if nothing happened? I simply become antisocial. That happens a lot actually. When someone upsets me in any way, whether I become angry, sad, or forlorn, I’ll close up. I’ll distance myself, and I can’t help but be taciturn.

No wonder.

I got my cryptography mid-term back yesterday, and it turns out that I failed it. That means that I failed more than half my mid-terms. I’m starting to worry about my finals. I was actually considering my absence at Dougie’s LAN party, but Aaron (rather easily) talked me into going.

John did get back together with Julia, much to my surprise. I can understand why, though I wish I didn’t. Sometimes I wonder why I do the things I do, I make the choices I make. Sometimes I do understand why, though I wish I didn’t. Sometimes I can’t comprehend it at all, as if some sinister force was guiding my hands towards self destruction.

Sometimes I like it, and sometimes I don’t.

This would be much easier to deal with if I could be definite in my emotion. But I can’t. I always see both good and bad. I always know that pain can give pleasure. Yum.

So why I do it? Why do I punish myself like this? It can be controllable. Yet I can be so blinded as to lose this control, and my old instincts come back out. I hate. I hate very well.

But when hate subsides, what do I have left? I’m left a washed up shell of a person, torn up inside, never fulfilled.

Please hurt me.