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(This first. Listen to the clarity of the lower octave notes that Regina adds in waves and waves at the end of the chorus; you can tell it’s a quality grand piano just from how those notes resonate — an upright would sound much muddier at the low end. This is the song that plays on day (408) and it’s fucking perfect. Also, title from the lyrics.¹)

It would appear that someone made a movie of my last relationship, and (500) Days of Summer is to #8 as Eternal Sunshine was to #4. The interesting part is that it was released early last year, during the relationship, and I wonder if it would have changed anything on my end, had I seen it then. And if she saw it now, would she understand things from my perspective? Or does she understand already? And if other people saw it, would they understand how one could unwittingly get their hopes up when things are so clear from the beginning?

I’m so glad Marc Webb, the director, treated the material with such grace. You can tell it was based on experience because the tender moments come from a real place (co-writer Scott Neustadter admitted Summer was based on a girl who “returned his kisses but not his ardor”). In an interview, Joseph Gordon-Levitt said, “I’ve had my heart broken before. Truly, truly broken. But when I look back at me in my heartbroken phase, it’s pretty hilarious, because it felt so much more extreme than it really was. One of the things I love about (500) Days of Summer is that it doesn’t make light of what we go through in romances [emphasis mine], but it is honest about it and shows it for what it is, which is often profoundly funny”, and I completely agree. I also appreciate the fact that they don’t villainize Summer because she never takes advantage of Tom², and at the same time, it doesn’t make the agonizing days he goes through any less significant or difficult. In a profound way, it brings justification to everything I was (or am) going through. I suppose I’m just waiting for the punchline.

Hah.

Watching it has left me feeling emotionally devastated lately, almost as if I’ve regressed, and lost months of progress. John says it’s because seeing it was like seeing her again, reliving the entire thing from day one, from when we had met in the office. Like a recovering alcoholic falling off the wagon and taking his first sip in 5 years. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the message, and as well as the recommendation to watch the movie from Darren.

Even though I’ve tried to completely forget and move on, I’ve come to learn it’s not that easy. It’s almost as if you have to accept the all the memories, both good and bad, as much as you accept your own qualities and flaws.

The days, months, years you spend with someone significant will inevitably change and shape you. To deny them is to deny yourself.

I found it fascinating to trace the plot developments to parts of my own story. The entries I’ve written over the last two years echo the sentiments so strikingly in dialogue, songs, and voice-overs.

This is a story of boy meets girl. The boy, Tom Hansen, of Margate, New Jersey, grew up believing that he’d never truly be happy until the day he met “the one”.

From my entry The Penultimate Letter — “My whole life, I looked for someone like you. Someone who was capable of raising me to my potential, someone who was worthy of the love I have to offer. But even then, I never knew I was capable of a love that resonated so deeply in my person.”

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1. Or is it? [↑]
2. Ironically, the gender roles are reversed, and it’s Tom’s date who’s the voice of reason here. [↑]

Being sick is one of the most difficult things for me. It’s a psychological mind game. Not only am I unable to be productive¹, which is something that normally keeps me sane, it’s the only situation in which I feel like I can’t take care of myself. All I’m left with is this misery, this suffering that mentally wears me down. On a long enough time line (though I’m talking months to years), I lose the will to live.

I started getting some symptoms since Tuesday afternoon, when I was feeling faint at work. When I woke up the next day, the symptoms had gotten worse. I spat into the sink, and cheered the fact that my phlegm wasn’t dark green, which is the case when I have strep throat (something that seems to happen annually to me). I should say that I only suspect swine flu, since I didn’t have a blood test confirming it, but the person who gave it to me told me she had it, so I’m going on her word, and my symptoms match up with how swine flu is different from seasonal flu.

For me, it’s been:

• runny nose with extremely watery mucous
• stuffed nose
• loss of appetite
• mildly sore throat
• dry cough
• headaches
• very slight fever
• hot flashes and sweating

This flu, though drawn out, has actually been easier than strep, which is so painful for me that I get fairly severe headaches. I went through two entire boxes of tissues, and I’m sure I would have gone through more, I had not spent almost the entire time like this:

On the upside, it was an excuse to drink Neo Citran every night, which I also call Yummy Sleep.

In the five days since I realized that I have the flu, I didn’t leave my house, aside from going across the street to buy groceries. Not a single one of my friends called me (although some of them probably didn’t know I was sick), which was a little disheartening, but I didn’t let it get to me. Jen offered to pick up groceries for me, but I didn’t take her up on it because the offer was enough of a morale boost.

This time, I survived, I did it by myself, and I’m stronger for it.

To keep myself sane, I watched a record number of movies. Usually, it’s hard for me to watch movies, because I feel guilty for not being productive, but this time I embraced my sickness. I may watch one every two weeks when I’m healthy, but this time it was nine in five days (ten if I hadn’t passed out in the middle of Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice). Here are some quick reviews. Warning: SPOILERS.

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1. I have the motivation, but it isn’t enough when my head feels like it’s exploding from the inside. [↑]

I’ve been speaking pure Chinese for almost an entire week straight. Certain muscles in my tongue that I didn’t know existed are tired. People tell me they’re surprised at how good my Chinese is — not just in terms of pronunciation, but vocabulary as well — and wonder how it’s possible without any means of practice. I can’t explain this myself, aside from a constant interest in learning new terms, and a love of Chinese movies (although this is more of a love of Hong Kong, and Chinese movies are my sentimental way of revisiting it). There are also some Chinese terms that have no English equivalent, and people are always shocked when I know them.

Somehow, I can switch between the languages quickly when I’m here. I even catch myself counting in Chinese now, which they say is what reveals your mother tongue.

 

A camera to mask my shyness, a lens to hide behind.

At Audra and Jesse’s I felt like I was back in university. Meeting people, learning names, throwing in for some pizza. Except this time, I wasn’t being dragged, kicking and screaming to the party. Maybe I was just feeling social, because I hadn’t seen my own friends in so long.

I learned that playing Punch Out on the Wii is as natural to you as it was back when you were in your room back in elementary school, crying because you were no one’s best friend. That watching Air Guitar Nation — when it’s hard to tell how seriously the contestants take themselves — is much more enjoyable with sarcastic comments applied liberally from the audience.

I want to find out what drives them. I want to know why they create, why they’ve chosen their mediums. Why they hang out together. Why they studied what they studied. Why they have the jobs they do.

They’re well-read, educated, opinionated, cosmopolitan. I felt somewhat out of place. Topics of conversation weren’t even close to my interests. Concerts aren’t my scene. Politics confuse me. Things are happening to other friends I’ve never met. But when there’s this much to learn, listening is just as good as taking part.

It was past midnight by the time I got home, but I had hard time falling asleep. My brain was buzzing, trying to take in everything I had just experienced.

Eagle vs Shark is the new Postal Service.

The movie I can’t stop watching. The movie I can’t watch with anyone else.

Not because it’s painful in any way, but because it’s sacred. A movie where no one else would understand the way I see it. A reminder that I was adored once too, when someone loved me beyond limit or condition. (A memory that I need right now.)

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But I will leave you with this little song, if only for a short while. You need colours and candles in your room when you listen though, and an imagination will serve you well. Having a makeout partner and wearing a costume of your favourite animal is optional.

That is all you need to know, for this is all I can say.

I’m sitting on my chaise in the dark, Macbook Pro in lap, curtains open to the snow outside. Every now and then, the wind catches a loose patch of snow, and it sounds like sand dragging along the ground outside. If you close your eyes, it’s like you’re sitting on a beach at low-tide under a night sky.

I haven’t done this in a while.

The show is over. There’s supposed to be one more interview next week, but at least I can breathe now. I’ve finally had time to clean the house, which is probably why I feel comfortable enough to write.

There are icons for movies on my desktop, ones I’ve started watching but haven’t finished, because I haven’t been able to emotionally invest in them. I did, however, get a chance to watch Cidade de Deus which is the best movie I’ve seen in months, and Constantine, purely for the Tilda-Swinton-as-angel factor.

I realized that I like girls who look like boys. I hope this doesn’t mean I’m gay.

On a sticky, I seem to have written “a small pair of skis”. I don’t remember doing this, or what for. There’s also a phone number there with no name. I want to call the number to find out who it is, but I’d just hang up if someone answered and that’d be rude.

I should call Dan. I should reorganize my photos for appropriate backup. I should be practicing Tai Chi. I should be having more fun. I should be filling out my thought record worksheets.

But right now, I should really be in bed.

A look into my current tastes, updated for 2007. This list is somewhat shorter than last years because the ones I haven’t checked off still apply, and I’ve been guilty of some spending this month; The first two seasons of Robson Arms on DVD (which I desperately waited two years for), season six of Trailer Park Boys, my mittens, a RAZR 2 (the cell phone I’ve had for five years died), an electric toothbrush, and various gifts.

Photography

• Bogen / Manfrotto Background Support System 314 ($280) — To quickly set up different coloured backgrounds in my photography room.

  Bought it on sale, which was still $260.

• Arca-Swiss Monoball Z1 Ballhead ($475) — My current tripod isn’t strong enough to hold most of my lenses in place, and the locking mechanism is extremely chintzy. Very frustrating when working with dark shots. A ballhead would give me tremendous flexibility.
• Gitzo GT3530LSV Mountaineer 6x Carbon Fiber Tripod Legs ($625) — Carbon fiber tubing makes for an extremely light and portable set of tripod legs. Packed with all the important little features like an anti-leg rotation system, the Gitzo leg locking system, and removable rubber feet.

Furniture

• Rubix Cube Ottoman ($129) — A black, two-toned square ottoman to go with my leather couch.

Housewares

• Bodum Assam 2-Cup Tea Press ($25) — I have one of these at home, but it would be great to have one at work too, so I can make more than one cup of tea at a time.

  Julie bought me a Stokes gourmet Formosa tea infuser for Christmas 2008. A little chamber for loose leaves dangles from the top, as opposed to a press, which can create bitterness in tea.

• Braun Impression WK 600 Kettle ($90) — A large kettle for my tea. Right now, I have to boil water in two cup intervals, which takes a while when guests are over.

  Andrew and Alex bought me a similar model for my birthday, and it’s SWEET.

• Tingler Head Massager ($15) — On Jason’s recommendation on my recent post about manual stimulation. The reviews say that it helps put you to sleep, and that can never be a bad thing.

  Found a cheep one at Zone for five dollars! Doesn’t vibrate or anything but still pretty good. Next is finding someone to use it on me.

Games

• Orange Box ($50) — A nostalgic trip back to the days of my favourite game ever: Team Fortress Classic for Half-Life. I hear the gameplay has changed a lot, but I don’t care. We’ll probably be playing this at the next LAN.
• Odin Sphere ($40) — A side-scrolling fantasy RPG for the PS2 that I don’t want to miss.

Movies/Shows

• JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure OVA ($52) — My favourite anime of all time: a combination of fascinating universe, and very intelligent action. I currently have a copy in Japanese with French subtitles. While this helps me learn more French, I also don’t understand much the phrases.

  Found a copy of this for download.

• Reno 911 seasons 2-5 ($90) — An hilarious, original look at law enforcement. Trailer Park Boys from the other side of the law. I have the first season (thank you Music World for going out of business and giving me 20% off), but I’d love to get the rest, along with the movie.

  Bought all of these on a lark. Did not regret the decision.

Snow collected on the grass last night.

This makes me dream of weekend mornings in my living room, tea and a laptop, looking out to a blanket of white. Dolly curled up on the armrest next to me, as she always is. No other contrast feels as cozy.

Ritual dictates that I watch Onegin or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind on the day of the first snowfall, a tribute to winter scenes and warm romance.

This year, I’ll buy myself some skates. I’ll pack a snack and some water. Maybe my camera in case an image catches my fancy.

And this will be my new ritual.

How simple a thing is happiness: a glass of wine, a roast chestnut, a wretched little brazier, the sound of the sea. All that is required to feel that here and now is happiness is a simple heart.

—Zorba the Greek

I feel like writing.

Saturdays are usually reserved for relaxation, but I mixed it with a few errands throughout the day. Bought extra auburn foliage for one of my pots, and a funnel to get fresh-ground pepper into my new pepper shaker. Picked up my weekly groceries. Sat down at the pizza parlor to start Beautiful Losers while my Hawaiian was being baked.

I watched Zorba The Greek tonight, about the adventures of an aimless Englishman who goes to Crete, and the lessons he learns from a man he meets named Zorba.

Though generally jovial and lighthearted, it was heavy and heavy at times. There’s a scene where a beautiful widow (the love interest of the movie) is ritualistically stoned and killed out of jealousy by the men of the village, simply because she wouldn’t let any of them have her. The direction is a little inconsistent, but Anthony Quinn’s portrayal of the Grecian spirit keeps the movie in tact. Many believe the movie to be an analysis of Apollonian vs Dionysian thought, but I saw it as a nod to Taoism as well.

Zorba’s a Taoist, whether he knows it or not. He shuns intellectual thought and analysis, and loves life with bubbling spontaneity. In the end, the Englishman learns from Zorba, not about life, but how to live it.

And it inspired me. Not just the dialogue or the playfulness, but the locations too. It made me want to travel, to see new places, to meet more people, and explore other cultures.

One day. For now, I’ll enjoy the comfort of my house.

So here I am, staying up late with my back next to the open window, eating butter pecan tarts, drinking Dragon Well tea, and writing as much as I can.

I think I’ll go practice the form now.

Tomorrow, I have nothing to do but live.

And while I was falling for you I put a ceiling on that, because you were a guy. Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place: to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who’d complement me so completely. So here we are. I was thorough when I looked for you. And I feel justified lying in your arms, ’cause I got here on my own terms, and I have no question there was some place I didn’t look.

I suppose I would have enjoyed Chasing Amy more if the dialogue had been more believable, but I couldn’t buy it.

We don’t live in a Dawson’s Creek world where everyone’s a psychologist, completely in tune with their emotions and the emotions of others.

People aren’t confrontational in real life either. They don’t say what they mean or mean what they say.

And when you’re trying to tell the girl that you’re in love with her, it doesn’t come out as some flowery, romantic verse, it comes out in jumbles. You’re tripping over your own words cause it’s the girl.

Maybe I was just hoping for a love story that worked out. I would have given in to the suspension of disbelief that people actually talk like that, had there been a happy ending.

You know it’s getting close to the holidays when the fresh cupcakes at the local bakery start having Christmas tree sprinkles, so I thought I’d make a Christmas wish-list. Usually I have no problem spending money when I want something, but I’ve been saving my money as a goal lately. I’ve been good too, only spending $120 on myself in November (two movies, a toque, and winter shoe spikes) as opposed to the $500+ I normally do.

This isn’t a fantasy list by any means; these are practical things I eventually plan on buying. I just can’t justify getting them at this moment. Of course, I don’t actually expect any of these things to show up under a tree on the 25th, since I don’t celebrate Christmas, although this isn’t by choice.

Photography

• Canon EOS 5D camera body ($3800) — The 5D supports a very nice 12.8 megapixels, but most importantly, it has a full-frame sensor that would let me take full advantage of my wide-angle lenses.
• Canon EF 15mm f/2.8 Fisheye lens ($950) — For those extra-wide group shots, and stylish fisheye distortion.

  Bought a used version of this great lens for roughly half the MSRP in early 2007.

• Speedlite 580EX flash ($600) — I currently have the Speedlite 420EX, which can used as an off-camera slave to be set off remotely. It takes a flash like the 580EX to act as a wireless master.

  Bought this flash with an umbrella and light stand in the summer of 2007. Extremely happy with the off-camera results.

• Macro Ring Lite MR-14EX ($750) — Macro photos have been especially difficult because of the exaggerated camera shake with a 100mm lens. A nice macro flash would allow me to increase shutter speed, and get evenly lit shots.
• Wacom Intuos 6×11″ tablet ($450) — For editing my photos in Photoshop. I have one of these at work, and I can’t get over how much better a tablet is over a mouse.

  I was starting to get shooting pains in my wrist and forearm, so I bought this tablet in early 2007 to ease the strain of mouse posture. It has greatly helped, and on top of that, working with brushes in Photoshop is a delight.

Games

• Playstation 3 ($650) — I’m currently waiting on this one, since none of the launch titles interest me, but it’s my next-generation console of choice. I wanted the Wii for the longest time (back when it was codenamed Revolution), but the lack of HD support and dated hardware quickly turned me.
• Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess ($60) — I can’t pass up the legendary last game in the Zelda series. It’s coming out in 12 days for the Gamecube, although I may see if I can borrow Pat’s/Aaron’s/Trolley’s Wii to play it with the Remote and Nunchuk instead.
• Neverwinter Nights 2 ($60) — I’ve been waiting for this game ever since I finished the original Neverwinter Nights over two years ago. My next purchase was either this or Company of Heroes, but John bought me the latter for my birthday and so we could play online together. It was as much of a gift for himself.

Furniture

• Saga sofa ($1400) — Getting this in a nice dark-brown leather is one of the options with which I’d like to replace my old Ikea couch. I wasn’t partial to leather until I saw the unit in the store, but it boosts the price closer to $1500.

  Bought a Scotch couch in October 2007 from EQ3 in a black leather instead. Sold my old Ikea couch to help pay for this.

• 2MORROW side table ($150) — To go with the sofa.

  Bought a frosted glass sidetable from the same series as my coffee table from Zone in late 2007 instead.

• B2C 36″ storage ($550) — A place where I can store my books.
• CONICK pendant light ($120) — I’d like to have this above my dining table. The light fixture I have now is a little dated.

  I bought a rail light fixture from Ikea instead. It’s better for directional light, and much cheaper.

Appliances

• Grind & Brew Thermal Automatic coffeemaker ($150) — This baby grinds, brews, and can be set on an automatic timer to do both right before you wake up. Unfortunately, it’d be all decaf for me.
• Ultra Power Series stand blender ($180) — For smoothies. Because lunch sandwhiches get boring quickly.

  Got myself a nice Hamilton Beach Eclectrics Blender at the beginning of the year. Been making smoothies almost daily ever since.

TV Shows

• Six Feet Under ($230 for the complete series) — I’ve been wanting to watch these with Bronwen for a while now. I only got to the middle of the second season, but it really put the hook in me.
• Trailer Park Boys ($150 for seasons 1–5) — I’ve seen up to season 3, and every year, the Trailer Park Boys keep me guessing about how much madder things will be in Sunnyvale Trailer Park.

  Bought these up to the sixth season in early 2007 to watch with Bronwen. She loved them. Still looking for the Christmas special.

• Battlestar Galactica ($100 for seasons 1 & 2) — I only got as far as the first season, and this is one of those shows that you can’t watch out of order because you’d be completely lost.

Movies

• Best In Show ($20) — This movie charmed me the first time I saw it. One of those movies you can watch at almost any time. Christopher Guest at his best.
• Punch Drunk Love ($16) — P.T. Anderson’s simple, beautiful love story.
• Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle ($15) — Because everything about this movie reminds me of summers with John.
• Contact ($16) — The beginning of my fascination with astronomy. And Jodie Foster.

  Louise bought me this for Christmas 2006.

• Boys n the Hood ($16) — A movie that touches me, even though it’s set in a world completely removed from my own.
• Waking Life ($10) — I wish I could explain what it is about this movie that draws me in so much. Maybe it’s the fact that every time I watch it, I understand something new. Also the first movie I ever saw high. Triptastic.
• The Breakfast Club ($18) — The ultimate teen angst movie. Also currently the only movie to use the term “Neo-Maxi Zoom Dweebie”.

Taxi, bus, car, 500 km from Ottawa to Toronto.

John, coming from a weekend wedding, took a flight from Thunder Bay to pick me up. We spent the first three days at the house of John’s parents. Circumstances like these always put me on edge; with adults around, we tend to behave, and I’m generally obnoxious when I’m with John.

The step-mother rules the house with an iron fist. No noise after ten. No noise before seven. No using the guest towels or soap.

One morning, I was having toast with some marmalade when I realized that the orange, unlabeled spread in the back of the fridge had a rather sharp taste, signifying that it was either offal or expired. John stopped me as I opened the kitchen garbage bin.

“You can’t throw that out”

“Why not?”

“It’s food. Food smells.” John pointed to the dish drying rack. It was filled with milk bags which were used, emptied, washed, and dried before being thrown out.

“What am I supposed to do with it?”

“We’ll throw it in the back yard for the birds”

“What if the birds won’t eat it? A piece of toast covered with marmalade would be harder to explain than food in the garbage.”

Eventually, we put the toast in a Zip-Loc bag and disposed of it in a public trash bin four blocks away from the house.

The beautiful garden in the back presented some great photo opportunities.

Toronto was our chance to relax. We just hung around and rented movies. When I’m with John I get to see the classics that I’ve missed — every time it’s mentioned that I haven’t seen a certain title in the store, it’s always met with his button-pushing, “You haven’t seen that?!”. He already has of course, but his memory is so bad that it’s like he never watched them in the first place. This time it was The Shawshank Redemption (very satisfying), Diner (a great coming-of-age film for guys), Four Weddings and a Funeral (ruined by Andie MacDowell’s delivery of “Is it raining — I hadn’t noticed”), and Sideways (fucking amazing). We also saw Out On Bail, which garned many an excruciating reaction.

I still laugh my ass off every time I watch this.

People always say that this song or that book or some movie is a story about themselves in some way. One of my friends is truly determined that his life has been prophesied in the eight and a half minute rock-opera Paradise By The Dashboard Lights. My story was told in Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, but it wasn’t anything with as much grandeur, it was simply about a girl.

Interestingly enough, it’s not the stories themselves, but the details of each story that give them such relatable conviction. In Paradise By The Dashboard Lights, Meatloaf sings about a coerced commitment leading to an eventual eternity spent with the wrong person because of a stubborn, but more importantly moral, refusal to break a promise. The prognostication of these particulars sends my friend sweating whenever he hears the song.

For me, it took the form of pangs, from the details of Clementine’s character. The fucked up girl looking for her own peace of mind, who applies her personality in a paste. A person who keeps you off balance, always guessing, and constantly frustrated. A girl who sends off sirens in your brain telling you to run as far as you can before you get burned, but you stay anyway, against all logic, resigned to the eventual fate.

And here I was, waiting to be saved, thinking she’s a concept, or she’ll complete me, or she’s going to make me feel alive. When it didn’t work out, I used to say that it was for the best, that I was in it to have no regrets, but it was really because I couldn’t leave. I was drawn magnetically, inexplicably, to the last person to deserve even the effort of all the torn up thoughts.

On the weekend, I discovered that I could finally watch Eternal Sunshine without those pangs when I had felt them for so long, even when I already knew how important it is not to forget these experiences, as Joel figures out while hiding Clementine in his subconscious. All the residual emotions have passed, and now I can talk, and laugh, and think, and share the experience like an embarrassing adolescent memory. It only took two years.

Everybody’s gotta learn sometime.

I usually have to be in a very specific mood to watch Ghost World, but something about it is striking a chord with me right now, and this time it’s not just SJs sullen voice. The humour is drier than Rushmore, which says something about the skills of Terry Zwigoff’s as a director. The risk of unsaturated humour is that it very easily goes unrecognized, especially without a laugh track. The last time I watched Ghost World was before I ever saw Mr. Show, so it’s only now that I can really appreciate David Cross’s cameo performance.

Seymour is my god, cause it’s obviously him and he doesn’t care.

I really don’t know what I was expecting from Pieces of April, but its documentary-style directing and well thought out script made it an effective movie nonetheless. In the end, Peter Hedges presents the last few scenes in still photographs, letting the audience come up with their own reactions and dialogue. All one is sure of is that everything is resolved, and everyone is having a good time. And for a movie like this, that becomes the most important thing.